Since I was…Born.., I need help… a great listener please!

Ever since the start of my life, I have wanted it to end, to die.
I was a baby [ idk how old] and I simply DIDN’T want to live, so I ate Christmas lights. I remember that day. I didn’t want to be there and its not THERE that I didn’t want to be. It was there as in alive. I was searching for things to kill myself with and found Christmas lights. I figured the light and glass would kill me, so I ate them.
2 years old I tried to run in front of a car.
3 years old I tried to stab my self w/ a knife.
4 years old I tried to convince my older bro to kill me.
5 years old I tried to shoot myself w/ my dad’s bee bee gun, not realizing that it WOULDN’T kill me.
6 years old I ran in front of a bus, but my parents pulled me back.
7 years old, I’m pretty sure I cut my wrist.
8 years old I hit myself really hard on the head and tried to go to sleep. Hoping to get a concussion.
9 years old I realized that i would have to be smarter. I tried to catch up to a school bus to get ran over.
10 years old I was tired of failing and ate a bunch of pills and medicine from the cupboard. Told mom I wasn’t feeling well and went to sleep. Hoping I would die in my sleep.
11 tried to run away from home and kill myself by myself.
12 I cut my fingertip and watched it bleed.
13 years old I cut myself in that area between your thumb and wrisr thats at the side. I also tried to stick a knife in my gut, but was interuptted by my younger sis and I couldn’t let her watch me kill myself. Or she may have grown up and killed her self.
There are probably more, but these are the ones I remember. I was trying to kill myself b4 I knew what suicide ment.
I need someone, please just listen!