So this week I went jogging with that girl again and she talked about her studies and that she’s taking a programming course as well. I said if she needed any help she could tell me even though I didn’t think she’d actually take my offer. Today she asked if we could meet up for an hour so I could explain some stuff to her, and in return she said she’d invite me to have lunch with her at some restaurant downtown. We’re gonna meet tomorrow to talk about the programming stuff, and I’m not sure whether she’ll want to go have lunch right after that.
First of all how am I supposed to interpret this? Is she only trying to be nice or does she actually want to meet up with me and is just using the course as an excuse? I mean I remember very well when I was younger and naive and girls in school used exactly that trick to get help from me even though they probably thought I was some kinda nerd and didn’t want to have anything to do with me personally. I don’t think she’s like that, but still.
Also, I’m kinda scared. I know this is stupid, but so far I’ve ruined every chance I had like that in my entire life. Whenever I’m nervous I turn into some kind of autistic introvert, I’m not myself and say things which are total non-sense. It’s especially stupid because when we went jogging it didn’t feel like that at all and we talked about lots of stuff and she liked it I think. But tomorrow feels different. Maybe because I’m thinking too much about it, but heck I can’t stop it.
One solution would be to tell myself to not want to date her and just see her as a friend. That’s a bit of relief, but in the end if she thinks differently about me I’ll have to change my perspective.
I’d be really glad if anyone could help me here. I’ve been praying to get a chance like this, but now that it’s here I have no idea what to do..
25 comments
I have no advice to offer. At least the best thing I can do is not offer any advice whatsoever. I do however really really really hope this works out for you. I sincerely wish you the best.
Hey, I was trying to reply to your comment below. This dumb phone cuts off that option when it gets too far to the right.
As for anxiety, I think many could benefit from advice on this subject, including me. Lol yeah, I haven’t learned to kill the anxiety on a date, only learn to mask it, or explain that if I say or do something dumb, that I’m extremely nervous or currently dealing with personal issues and having a hard time focusing on said date. That tends to send a bad message if said wrong though, which with my disability happened often.
As for email, if you find my last post, search on for much longer, and I can email you if you post in there. Leaving a comment under someone’s post allows the op to see thier email.
I’d just see how it goes.
If you have a nice lunch, say you enjoyed it, and would like having lunch again sometime. Just see if she’d have lunch with you just for the sake of having lunch, if you’re that worried about being used…
If she pays for this time, offer to pay for the next after confessing you had a good time (if you did even!) if you split the bill, then its up to you…if you’re both comfortable with it then keep paying for your own meals 😛
You sure you wern’t just helping her for the sake of getting to go on a date?…its always a double standard when you consider motive for things anyways, so just leave it at face value, and don’t worry so much about everything.
I am seeing a coach atm, and I have what sounds like exactly the same problem you have: whenever I get a chance with a woman, I get overcome by shyness, etc.
My coach told me that the problem is that I am seeking validation from other people, instead of validating myself. So when I am with a woman, for instance, I am seeking her acceptance, I am desperate for her to like me. The problem with that approach is that it makes me a slave of other people, their whims and their tastes.
I know this may sound absurd to you, but I think you have to learn to be your own best friend. Other people aren’t up to validating you – they are too busy handling their own lives. So instead of focusing on making this woman like you, accept you, fulfill your needs, you need to take care of them yourself.
When approaching this date, stop thinking about whether she will have fun. Stop thinking about whether she will like you. Stop thinking about whether she will accept you. Start thinking about whether you will have fun. Start thinking about whether you like her. Start thinking about whether you can accept her.
Women are human beings just like men are. Try not to nervous. Remember: Everyone poops.
When you’re on your lunch date pretend that you’re a character in a movie. Be the smooth, suave 007 type. Be confident. Tell her a few jokes, listen to what she says. Pretend that you’re interested in everything she has to say. (Women love that). If she wants to do all of the talking let her. Just smile and nod, and you’ll be fine. You don’t have to talk much, but when you do try to be interesting.
Good luck.
glhf
Go with no expectations and if you enjoy it ask her out for a next time (then you’ll know for sure). But don’t see it as she’s asking you out because she wants to use you, she’s compensating you for something you offered yourself (and there’s nothing wrong with that imho). I know lots of people who would take the help and offer nothing in return.
Let her know that this is your first date. Let her know you may be shy and awkward. Talk to her as a friend. Wait for her to suggest other avenues. Take it one step at a time. Be careful. Sooner or later you will find out her true intentions. As you prob know some people are good at hiding stuff. I am not saying she is hiding anything though.
and you really need to try not to worry about what she thinks too much, as hard as it is
I mean, you should really try not to think about what she thinks of you too much
Show her – even if it’s just an illusion – that you have lots of money and she’ll be all yours
My parents had a real estate person around a few years ago. He asked if i had a job. I said that i didn’t. He looked at me as if i was a loser and stupid and unproductive…
he was a millionaire too. I don’t give a fuck what he is, but he can shove his money and his attitude up his butt.
(and lol no i didn’t want to date him, he was already married anyway).
Speaking as a woman, I’ve dump guys who throw money at my face showing how rich they are… these types of people are worthless pigs in my mind. If a woman wants you for money, she’s a shallow whore, if a woman wants you after you talk about your interests and goals, that’s someone who cares, if a woman wants you just for sex, that’s a cheap whore, and if you’re, let’s say a gaming geek, like me, find the woman that will interact the same activities as you, that is a woman who wants someone to ahare thier experiences with.
Btw, I’m taken.
If you’re not rich or you find that rare woman that isn’t impressed by cash money then you have to insanely attractive. It’s just how it is, it’s the nature of modern western females.
Except, like, you know, for the girls who aren’t like that.
You…again…this forum needs an ignore function
I know, then we wouldn’t have to listen to delusional ramblings about how all x are y. Have you ever heard of a Venn diagram? Goddamn, man.
… dude… I’m apparently attractive enough to have been raped by several different guys including a family member… and I don’t give two shits about money or looks. The guy I love, is flat broke, and probably a 6 out of 10 in looks if I go by apparently your standards in what is attractive. You know what I love about him? His morals that he stands for with all his heart, his ability to use common sense when needed, his quick actions to do what’s right, his ability to know when it’s time to speak and time to listen, his intelligence that isn’t above others understanding, his sense of humor, and that is just naming a few off the top of my head, the list goes on. Pretty much everything opposite of you apparently.
I’m living proof that your skewed vision on all women, is not only false, but any arguement to justify your obvious sexism is moot.
I will agree to one thing you said, I’d love to have the option to ignore guys like you, but it would be awesome to mute them in the real world too… especially when your message is so filled with so much hate for women. Just because you had experiences with whores hurt you so bad, doesn’t mean all women are the same. Just like I’ve had horrible experiences with rapists, assholes, and morons, does not mean all men are the same, if I can see that, then you should too, if not, it’s about time you mature up to the challenge.
No attractive guy would blink an eye at me. All i ever attract is creepy guys, young and older. According to society i am ugly. I don’t really care about looks that much, though i would like someone to look sort of presentable, like good hygiene and stuff. I liked this guy at school for some reason, and 2 years later i saw him again with 2 blonde tanned girls with large breasts…….. Zzzzzz
He didn’t like me. He said i was an ugly stupid Asian who should go back on a boat to China. Wtf i was not even born there lol
I tried to reply below this one about the Asian comment.
One, anyone who only looks for someone based on image is shallow, It’s not wrong to want someone that is attractive to you, but they should and normally appeat to be more attractive when you love them for the right qualities, it’s a hormonal boost for that feeling, something close to resemble how guys will rate someone via through beer googles, the more drunk they are, the hotter the person appears be that the look at. So it’s like, the higher the value in qualities you see someone, the more physically attractive they appear. As I said, technically, without the qualities I listed for the guy I love, he’s about a 6, but with the qualities I stated, to ME he is more of an 11…. out of ten.
On a side note, I have a friend who looks for any Asian chick he can find, unfortunately he’s a pedophile and I don’t try to hook him up with anyone because he still has a lot of maturing to do, and learn how to respect women… hopefully he’s learned some discipline since joining the army… no idea though, haven’t seen him in a long time…
So yea, there is someone for everyone, is just mainly about finding the right person invthe right place at the right time, sometimes, someone is good for you, but until someone reaches a breaking point, forced to learn something, then they become great, and if you step in before that time, they might not experience what they need to learn. To me, it’s a matter of karma, and lots of patiences. It’s also possible to show up or respond too late, so really, there’s a lot of luck involved. It sucka, especially if shit his the fan every day and your neck deep in it all the time to the point the stench masks the good luck wafting by… bad and disgusting analogy, sorry, but it’s pretty accurate.
For anyone who cares: The programming went well and she said thank you a couple of times for taking the time cause she thinks I have much other stuff to do -.- don’t know how that got into her mind. Anyways, we’re gonna have lunch tomorrow. I’m still completely uncertain about her intentions, but w/e it was fun explaining stuff to her.
Thanks everyone for your help, I tried using (almost :D) everything you said. I tried not thinking too much about what she thought about me at that moment, and it was good, but also kinda easy since I had something to concentrate on and talk about. And I tried having fun myself^^ Gonna see how tomorrow will work out though. I want her to get to know the real me and not some illusion she might have of me, but it’s kinda hard since I can’t just say “hey, I’m suicidal, I hate people and I’m on my computer 24/7”. I wanna be honest, but I’m scared she will dislike me for the prejudices she might have against people like me. She seems like the person who might be into gaming as well, but she hasn’t talked about that yet. Maybe she’s having the same fear I’m having.. man RL is tough.
Yes, it can be.
Try to use three main, and connected topics if she asks about you, something she can respond to as well, and you have back up topics if the response isn’t so common interest. It’s a good way to bring gaming into the topic, but don’t keep it so narrow viewed like only video games. See if she mentions key words that can flow into said topics.
First topic to start would be to see how well the programming did today.
Also, it’s fine to let her do most of the talking, if you hear an interesting key point, go ahead and speak up, it let’s her know you’re interested in what she’s saying.
A definite rule for first dates. Never bring up negative pasts, or exes, and never talk about a future together. This puts too much tension on both parties, and thus won’t get a second date.
Topics to avoid for about three dates, politics, religion, and family(as in ex husbands or wives, chilren, or living with one’s parents) the point of this rule is to avoid giving attention to anyone other than who’s on the date.
If she brings this stuff up, either she is new to dating as well, thinks you as just a friend, or might test you on how you respond, your best option is to avoid these topics all together, find something else she mentioned that isn’t related to said topic and steer the conversation away a bit.
If she asks for a lot of advice, like about the programming session, it’s just a friendly hang out, but could still be a potential interest in the future. So don’t feel shot down either, never let her know your disappointed in the lunch together, this could signal to her your not interested in her. But if the lunch goes well, do say something positive, and offer her another get together scenerio, but make it an open invitation, not a definite date/dinner if you feel you can’t take a dating situation as quickly.
Cursedcat: That makes a lot of sense. I feel like you should be some sort of dating coach or something. I’ve only actually went on dates with 2 people in my life and the last one went horribly. Reading your comments, I kind of understand some of the reasons why but feeling so nervous about the situation really didn’t help either. I don’t mean to take over the thread, but do you have any suggestions concerning dealing with anxiety on a date? It’s so hard to even ask because I know I will be rejected. Actually, so I don’t take up this thread, would you be okay with emailing?
Oh, bah. The point in a relationship where you’re currently at is all about the illusion. There is nothing you can do to burst that illusion, and you probably shouldn’t try. That would likely backfire. It takes years and years to get to know the real [insert person here]. Just go with it and don’t try to force anything – let it flow like some weird hormoney river.
It’s also important to note that the inverse is also true – you have an illusion about who she is that can’t be burst, and if she were to burst it, you’d react very badly to that pin-prick sensation. You’re learning about her, she’s learning about you, and you’re both total strangers who see what they want to see – right now. The best thing you can do is remove your own biases – don’t let your expectations govern how you interpret things.