When I said that I felt absolutely nothing, it was a lie. I did feel I just ignored it and refused to face the reality before me. I’ve made and still make poor decisions and I’m lost and confused and don’t know what the right thing to do is. I fell out of love with my ex the only guy I fell completely in love with. The whole process was excruciating but I finally realized I needed to let go. Just because I don’t love him anymore doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, because it does still hurt. Remembering all the good and all the bad, it hurts to know that it took all that and now I’m here. I met another guy and I trusted him, believed in him and I don’t know why. He’s bad for me just like I’m bad for him, because I don’t think either of us can truly love one another. I question his actions, whether I should give him so much trust so stupidly and it hurts me. Because I’m almost certain that I trust and care about him while he feels nothing for me. I think he is a cool person and he is a gentleman but apart from that I’m nothing to him. And it hurts a little but I can’t be upset with him because I didn’t want to care about anyone and I didn’t want anyone to care about me and I told him this when we met. It’s really confusing if I sit here trying to think and analyze things so I have to stop myself. I have issues with letting go and I know that we should leave each others lives but I can’t let go. And right now I find myself hoping that he finds someone, that he falls in love and removes me from his life. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, emotionally because it seems so much easier for them and I envy that. I’ve gotten myself into a bubble of depression and confusion and I have no clue what to do. I have issues of some sort and those issues dip into the relationships or lack there of that I choose with people. It controls my sexual life, and I don’t like to talk about it because I haven’t fully accepted it. I’m just fucked up and I don’t know how to change this how to save myself. Because I still like these fucked up things I know I shouldn’t. I like having this guy in my life and using him to fill some void deep inside my core and I’m ok with it. I don’t talk to him all the time we don’t ever really see each other apart from the times we meet up every now and then. And I don’t know why he cuddles with me, why he holds me for hours sometimes. It was weird to me at first and uncomfortable but then I cried realizing that was exactly what I needed. Some how things got confusing and complicated but then I realize it’s simple. He doesn’t care about me nor wants to be with me and I’m not sure I want to be with him, I do care about him to an extent. But that’s all right, so why does it feel like I’m doing a really messed up thing? I’m torn with being ok with this and that makes me not feel ok.
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Maybe you feel like you are doing a really fucked up thing because of your morals and principles, or there might be a tad of love left (mostly love for the fond memories of your past relationship, not for the person), and that makes you feel weird about the whole situation. Maybe you feel like you are using him, but in a way if you are sure that he doesn’t love you in theory he’s using you as well.
Not all relationships start due to love tho. Sometimes it’s just about two people getting together because they are what each other need at that moment, or even out of plain attraction (and that’s a really common one). In the end it’s only your choice if you are ok with it or not, but there’s nothing fucked up or bad there if you are both aware of what you can get out of the relationship and what not not, and from what you said you were honest with him.
Sorry for assuming so much (i could of course be wrong in all of that), but i’ve been thinking a lot about that subject myself (having a relationship and just caring mutually, without love) since my last relationship took so much that i just don’t feel like i’ll ever get over it (i still have love left for that person) and start a new one. Sometimes care does end up turning into love over time tho… so yeah, you never know.
Everyone “uses eachother” in a sense anyways, so there’s no reason to beat yourself up for being selfish in a relationship (or while leaving one, should you choose). Find something you like getting (cuddles!) and give in return what you can, or what you think the other might like (to an extent, of course…). I always give out my trust in return for others making me happy or whatnot, and to the extent they make me happy as well, and if they’d like to break that trust (over stupid things they didn’t even know about most of the time! lol) then thats up to them, I won’t feel betrayed or anything, it was a trade, everything’s a mutual trade in a relationship =P
Oh but what I really wanted to say when I saw this title anyways…
Lying is of paramount importance in a relationship, and even society! xD And although it should be quite moderated, without lying you’ll fail to function in society, anywhere.
That huuge fat person I walked past in walmart yesterday? I didn’t turn around and go fill them with my just honesty! Telling them the absolute truth of how ugly and fat they look to me!…It might be a silly example, but it both explains the point and confesses a great flaw of mine, judging others by their weight xD
But yeah, maybe you were better off lying, I can’t and won’t try ‘n be the judge of that =P your situation sounds confusing enough as it is, if the lack of line-breaks wasn’t enough x~x Just…if you ever feel like you should really go back and tell the truth, don’t be too afraid to confess that you lied for some reason xP unless you just feel like confessing 100 different things through the course of a relationship, which will only cripple any trust someone might have in you xD
Oh and the gender thing =P tons of people are bored of the gender they are, but I can assure you it’s quite likely just a case of “grass is always greener on the other side”…I’ll admit that guys definitely have certain things easier, but guys are also the ones getting depressed more often or killing themselves, go figure…Almost every aspect of gender has a dual nature, and is both good or bad depending on who you’re talking to.