Long read. Pretty sure people are too lazy to read it all so i don’t mind if no one comments on this or anything.
I’m suffering from depression. I take meds that aren’t as many as the ones I took when I tried to OD and kill myself. I’m seeing a doctor once every week.
So after one session with my doctor, she told me to tell my parents to call the next day so they could talk. And my dad was acting like I told the teacher something he did wrong and that he’ll get punished.So he was pressing that I give him a hint about what we talked about so there’s no surprises and I told him about the doctor saying that maybe I should try boxing because “I have aggression that needs to be released in a healthy way” and that they should let me get a henna (so I won’t do stuff to my arms anymore).
And as usual, my dad didn’t understand why those are important for me. And I snapped, I bawled while trying to tell him that some of the things he says (most of what comes out of his mouth) hurts me even though I know he’s just thinking of what’s best for me.
I told him how whenever he tells me that he wishes I don’t have to take meds or see the doctor anymore, I feel like he doesn’t take what I’m going through seriously and that it makes me feel even worse because it’s bad enough that I feel like I’m wrong and broken but now I’m being told that I don’t need to take long to feel better about myself because what I’m going through is trivial. And I told him I really am trying to get better because I, myself, don’t want to feel this way anymore and I explained to him that the results of the meds will take 3-6 months to see any improvement so him telling me to simply “get better” is impossible. I told him that it’s not his fault that what he says hurt me because it’s natural for parents to voice out what they feel or want to tell their children but I asked him to hold back a bit because I can’t help thinking about other things that his words imply and that the doctor said the paranoia I’m feeling is normal in this stage of my treatment. He got upset, like I knew he would be when I thought about saying this stuff. He said now he’ll feel bad because he won’t know what to say to me anymore because he’ll always be worried about hurting me unintentionally. He made it sound like it was my fault I was reading into what he says when he what he wanted to say was simple and just that.
He said I should understand his situation because now, he can no longer write me letters because he doesn’t know what to say. He asked me what specifically I want to hear from him and in a fit, I yelled at him to not say anything, not judge me, not give me any more of the “you’ll get over it because we got over it and it was worse for me growing up but I handled it and rose above, so why can’t you do the same?” speech that he never fails giving and the whole “it gets better, and this stupid, insignificant phase will make you stronger” crap he feeds me and just simply hold me and tell me he loves me.
He didn’t like hearing that.
He completely disregarded the last part and told me he says those things to strengthen and encourage me and that I shouldn’t overcomplicate things.
It hurt so much.
He said he didn’t even believe that I should be taking meds because I’m fine and that it’s just a phase. He said he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt themselves because there are thousands fighting to stay alive.
Before l left, I knew he didn’t listen to me because he did it again.The “get better faster”, “what you’re experiencing is nothing”, “I had it worse but I rose above my situation” and the “you’re making things more complicated but it’s actually pretty simple” talks. And we were inside the car. I sat there, nodding my head and smiling but dying inside. We parted ways. I felt bad because the doctor said talking it out by letting the other person know how I felt would make things better but what I felt was far from “better”.
It hurt so much. I couldn’t make him understand.
I tried telling him I understood what and how he felt and that’s why its worse. How I hope to God I didn’t understand so i just had my side to worry about but no – I understand them too well and that’s why I can’t simply lash out on them because I know it will hurt them.
My dad said he wants me to be happy because if I’m happy, they are ten times happier.
But what he doesn’t know is that if they are sad, I feel their sadness multiplied a hundred times. Especially if I’m the one causing their sadness.
I became this way because I spent my whole life doing my best to look like I’m happy and that I feel like nothing’s wrong BECAUSE I understand them. And unfortunately, that led to my own demise. But I was willing to let it happen because I love them. I don’t mind keeping everything in and slowly rotting from the inside. But the problem is that they want me to really be happy and better. And what they are telling me is that they will only be happy if I’m sincerely happy.
And the doctor told me that to get better, I should start letting people know what I feel so they will be able to understand me better and that I shouldn’t put up walls anymore. But now that I tried putting those walls down, like I expected, people got scared and frustrated with me.
I don’t know what to do.
And there I was, being reprimanded by my dad, telling me to even TRY understanding them. I didn’t want to upset him any further so I sat there, smiling and agreeing with what he said, like the doll he wanted me to be.
2 comments
You have a lot of insight. Truly and honestly. Take to heart your ability to see your depression from your parents point of view. I wish your parents had the ability to understand.
You spoke well- you were very clear. You didn’t blame, you did the opposite. You put yourself in their shoes and difficult as that was.
One of the truths about communications is the other person(s) have the right to respond as they do. Don’t get overly upset (though that is hard!) with them. You can’t control how others view you and hear your message.
One thing you can control is your own views and opinion. Know this- you have demonstrated wisdom in sharing your heart felt feelings. You can be proud you spoke what you needed/ wanted to. This is an important step in your recovery. You could have had a tantrum or been anger than you were (your level of anger was appropriate). But you didn’t.
You stuck to your plain- to tell your parents what you need and what you are feeling. THEIR job was/is to listen to you without judgment. That didn’t happen but it was not you. It was them.
Keep confiding in your counselor. She sounds like she is helping you.
Be patient. That is hard too! But I would say you grew emotionally by sharing as you did. Again, you can’t control others, so don’t take to heart your father not getting it. You aren’t in charge of him getting it. That is on him.
You won’t always be at home. You’ll be more in control of your life as you go. You will do well- as your empthy and caring for your parent’s feelings.
Take care of YOU. YOU are the most important person in your life!
I think we should only tell people how we feel if they are people that have the capacity to understand, and that we shouldn’t bother with people who can’t understand because it will only result in frustration on both ends. And this is why it’s such a curse to be an understanding person when you’re going through depression, you understand things so deeply that you can’t see why other people can’t understand things deeply as well. But when you let your walls down to people who don’t have the ability or capacity to understand things on an emotional level, it’s the same as trying to explain physics to a child. They just won’t understand no matter how hard you try :/ But you know, even though it hurts, it’s okay if you can’t tell your parents how you feel, because we’re here. We will listen to you, and we will understand you. Your parents would help if they knew how, but unfortunately they don’t. They still love you though, and that’s the thought that matters.