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by an_old_child

yesterday when i was done and tried to kill myself, i found out something new about myself :i’m so coward . i was REALLY angry of being alive but i couldn’t kill myself i couldn’t cut my wrist with blade. i tried but it was painful so i just ended up crying like a little child and now i have another reason to hate myself. i always thought that i can kill myself if i really want to but i was absolutely wrong.

my sister told me that she loves me and begged me not to kill myself. i remember once she cried so hard on my hug and told me she wants to die. i was so confused because i couldn’t understand why she wants to be dead when she’s such a successful and beautiful girl. now i understand. well another reason that i hate myself is… that i don’t care about what my family would feel if i commit suicide. i don’t really love anybody. that’s bad.

i used to believe that god is good. now i think god is just so cruel that has created us and forced us to live.

and now i don’t really  know what to do. just keep on living? life isn’t that bad but i don’t have ANY reason to continue and it feels bad when you don’t really want to go on. i mean it looks like a failure when you cannot stop it. it seems like… god has won. i really don’t know what to do next.

thank you for reading this and i hope that my words doesn’t make anybody to feel like me.

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4 comments

wndozh8er 3/20/2015 - 11:43 pm

cutting your wrist is one of the most ineffective methods of suicide. especially if you cut straight across instead of up and down your arm. I have been suicidal for a straight 8 years now. The thing is, I don’t want to suffer in the process. I want to go peacefully and have that control! There are painless methods but there extremely hard to come by! Were euthanasia is legal, they offer you a cocktail of drugs that will make you loopy until you fall asleep and then it will kill you without you even noticing it. The reason that I am still alive today is because i educated myself enough to know how hard it is to actually be successful at suicide. My biggest fear is winding up surviving and being in a worse condition than I am now. how old are you btw?

an_old_child 3/23/2015 - 1:35 pm

you’re right cutting wrist is sort of ineffective but there wasn’t anything else for me to kill myself and the success to painless methods is difficult for me. i’m sorry you’ve been suicidal for eight years. if you really fear winding up surviving and being worse why do you keep trying to suicide then?
it has been 16 times that the earth traveled around the sun since i was born but i believe it doesn’t mean i’m sixteen years old

Ryder 3/21/2015 - 12:03 am

I liked reading this and share your pain. I wouldn’t suicide unless I was 100% certain I did not want to live anymore. You should try to write a list of 100 reasons to die and 100 reasons to live. I did and it helped make me sure I wanted to end my life.

If there’s anything you seriously want out of life, you don’t need to suicide yet. Suicide is a thing that requires serious contemplation and planning and is not something you should decide to do within a week or on impulse. Life is a very precious thing because right now wherever you are, you are a conscious, sentient human being that’s top of the food chain. Even more important is that you have enormous potential, WHICH YOU WILL WASTE IF YOU KILL YOURSELF. And know that for one week life could be stupid and absurd, but for the next week life could be totally fun and worth it.

Just please don’t kill yourself without being 100% sure you want to do this. Suicide is permanent.

an_old_child 3/23/2015 - 1:49 pm

Thank you. what you said was really precious to me. now that i’m still alive i feel differently. actually my problem is that i don’t have ANY reason to live. but i’ll try making a list of reasons anyway.
i thought of suicide before but i promised myself that every time i want to die, wait a few days and then do it. i always felt regretful after a while but this time i was out of my control and couldn’t wait at all. it’s the second time in my whole life that I’ve lost my control and i think this time my mother is sort of scared of me.

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