Hmm… Well I’m 27. And this feeling(s) have not subsided since my adolescence. On the contrary, every year gets worse. There is so much to write about. I don’t feel like getting into most of it. But I will say the one of the worst feelings is when you regret regretting ending your life. And it haunts me so. And I know that if don’t end it sunday. Monday will be full of regrets. Deep down I don’t want to end it. I mean I do, but at the same time. I want something worth living to stop me. Ofcourse I feel like a coward and selfish for wanting to end it. More selfish are those who rather see me suffer. I plan on going to church tomorrow morning. And if I feel the same after. I’ll proceed to a store and buy the supplies.
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4 comments
You’re not a coward or selfish. It’s your life, and it is a difficult decision that you can’t take back later if you actually go through with it.
If it bugs you so badly that you try and end up not doing it, and you truely need something worth living on your mind insted, you should stop planning/thinking about ending it. It will just make things harder on you.
Insted look for that something, or try to figure what other things could be there that are worth it and how you can get them or at least get close to them.
Your words resonate with me very much. I too have had the same feelings throughout my life. Even now I still struggle and question where I’m at in life and what my future will be. However, there is one thing that gives me strength, and that is knowing that I am still here because of my strength. Whether my decisions in life were good or bad, caused me pain or happiness, I can find strength in knowing that they were my decisions and nobody can take that away from me.
You are not weak or cowardly, on the contrary, the fact that you are still here makes you strong. Like me, you have lived with these feelings for many years and you have made it this far. Do not belittle this accomplishment.
Coward and selfish are the last things id think you were. Living through pain and these issues is brave and insurmountable in many respects.
Go to church. I was in the same mindset the other week, and I myself have the habit of setting deadlines like say if this or that does or doesn’t happen I’ll kill myself. Not only will you feel like shit before the deadline, you’ll most likely feel down if you bail out. Day by day, try to keep yourself together, if you’re feeling down take a nap or go for a walk. At this point you can still step out of that hole, take charge and treat yourself good.