which is worse?

the question i seem to keep coming back to as I try to survive another day imprisoned in my mind, body, house, bed. most days in too much pain physically or emotionally to function but have continued to fight my deepest desires and desperation at times because of ‘family’ even though I rarely see them as I try to spare them of me. literally the only comfort I have is knowing they dont see my pain, and I dont burden them.I cant accept being broken once was just emotionally but now chronic pain has taken my only ability to contribute to community and family or work or stay busy enough to distract from my mind. There is no place left to run when mind and body are broken.so yes ive mastered surviving and have grown more resentful that I feel that obligation to not hurt anyone, but even after 12 years of every medication, every treatment including ECT twice my psychiatrist is even in agreement that I have done everything and we have talked about self deliverance options, but as I sit here again planning my will HATING myself for being so selfish that I still consider/want that when I can FEEL the pain and questions family/kids will have to live with and be impacted by. so I keep trying to survive another lonely minute, hour, day.I know which is worse FOR ME and that is living this life, but which is worse for my family? since I rarely see them anyway and they would get life insurance money that would help greatly, would they really want me to live in this much pain? I cant imagine causing them pain just to alleviate mine but after this many years of deterioration and distance I sometimes convince myself that they wouldnt even know. i wish i could ask them honestly, which is worse…?