I feel guilty

I feel guilty about everything I did and didn’t do. I’m failing so hard at life right now. I spent £150 on an exam retake, it’s in three weeks time and I’ve practically done zero revision. I was feeling fine when I paid for it, I thought I could do it.. Now.? I feel like shit, feel guilty about eating, I don’t deserve to have food. So many people have it worse than me and they don’t loose their motivation. I’m such parasite and a waste of space. I couldn’t even keep a job. My parents do too much for me. I’m too old to be relying on them. And what will happen in August? They’ll see how much of a failure I am and I don’t think I’ll be able to take it. Why the fuck can’t I be okay? Why do I have to be such a downer, making everyone around me sad. I can’t even force a smile, even though I should, for their sake. I’m so selfish for allowing myself to be this way. I should just suck it up, can’t be that hard right? I managed to type this whole fucking paragraph, why couldn’t I do revision in that time? I’m so disappointed in myself,I keep failing myself. I don’t want to need medication, or any drugs for that matter. I want to be fine the way I am, be strong like everyone else. Not listen to depressing music and think it’s so deep and true, and sit on a park bench and observe trees with a fag in my hand. What good does that do? I don’t want to be this person. I want to be productive, achieve something. Why is so fucking hard to do something so simple? I’m such a moaner, I’m moaning about moaning, so pathetic. Should’ve ended this long time ago, I only bring pain to this world.