Hi
I wrote a poem to my mother and I will give it to her 31 may on mother’s day.
I’m planning to suicide the next day. I have waited to suicide just because i wanted to be there for my mom on mothers day. It will be the last time.
I just want to know what you think of the poem. Any improvements? There’s a hidden message as you can see. I hope she wont be suspicious? She doesnt know im suicidal.
This will be the last thing i do before I die so no suicide letter. If you wonder why it’s because if I fail I don’t want them to find the letter and knowing what I have done. And its because i really don’t know what to write.
Anyways! Here’s the poem:
(I deleted The poem in case someone would find it)
32 comments
Oh beautya – that is so beautiful. I can’t believe you have someone in your life that you love so much and you really want to leave? They were such beautiful words I can see you still know what it is like to feel love, stay strong and hold on to that…
And on another note, I just looked through your past posts and all your pictures were so inspirational and was like you were speaking my mind, I don’t know how you found such good quotes, but really eased my soul as I know I will soon go and use some of those words to ease my family’s hearts when I do.
Thank you for all your posts and I hope you can stay strong because a still see a shining light in your words that I hope you can still be saved x
@Badyear
Thank you for your comment, you are very nice. It makes me glad that you like my posts. Thanks for your words. Lots of love and hugs to you!
Lots of love and hugs back. I wish you all the peace in your heart you need and deserve, however you find it x
Keep posting till then. X
@badyear
Thank you! I wish the same to you. I don’t really have anything to post or write. But Thanks anyway. I readed some of your posts. I wish the best for you and hope you find strength, happiness and peace. Good luck!
Love and hugs
I think it’s a lovely poem. Usually when you think you’re hiding how you feel, people can tell, especially if the two of you are close. I think she might read as much into as you meant (its bota hidden message).
God bless you, I realy hope you find something to change your mind.
@jennjenn
Thank you! I hope she don’t get it. Because her English is not so good I hope she won’t read into it so much. Thanks for your words. Love hugs and bless you!
Beautya,
I just returned from the ocean and turned on my computer, and there before me was your post. Your poem is beautiful, but I hope it’s not truly your last. I’ve been where you are. You talk about the emptiness inside. If you look closely, that emptiness also hurts, a constant ache that never leaves.
I struggled for so many years, hated life on this planet, wanted to go home, still do. Except I’ve made a space for myself here and cleaned out a lot of what was inside me from reaction to a cold world. This is a harsh reality for a sensitive soul.
I quote a Rumi poem:
When you go to a garden,
do you look at thorns or flowers?
Spend more time with roses and jasmine~
You are roses and jasmine. We need you here. But I do understand if it’s too painful. I have finally reached the ripe age of 70, survived through so much pain. My parents loved me. I was never hungry or poor or abused. One therapist said he thought I was born with an incurable sadness and gave me less than a year to live. That was in 1979.
I hope you find the strength to fight and learn to be a well person in a violent and sometimes sick world with empty values. We are surrounded by such beauty in Nature, yet turn to material objects, thinking they will fill the void. They don’t. I began to find help when I found a pathway to the light in my heart. It now shines brightly, irritatingly brightly for some disgruntled persons, but for every down face, I always find someone with a smile–jasmine and roses.
My heart is with you.
In love,
Vedura
@vedura
Hi Vedura! Thank you for your wise and kind words. This may be a wierd question, but you wrote that you want to go home. Are you perhaps a spiritual person?. (I am) I too long to go home. I hope that you will find happiness for the remaining of your life. You have lived for so long and that’s amazing! I am glad that you had parents that loved you! I too have parents that love me and that I am happy for. That was a nice qoute of the poem. Roses and jasmine.
Thank you for everything. You are a beautiful soul.
Lots of love and hugs!
@Beautya Hello again.
Yes, I am of mystic spirit. It has taken a long time to begin to find myself on this planet. I have felt, since age 16 or so, that my home is elsewhere, another dimension, another planet. But I’m not religious or dogmatic. The spiritual philosophy that has helped me the most has no dogma; that is, until humans get hold of it and try to solidify that which is dynamic and fluid.
I was guided to train the instrument of me, allow spirit to flow through that instument. I truly don’t try too hard and I’m certain I don’t always play the right note. Breath is an important tool for the developing human.
I hope you can stay around, but I understand if you don’t. I truly do not want to use guilt to sway you, simply say a truth. Your mother’s life will be devastated by the loss of you. If you two love each other as it seems from your poem, she will learn to live forward but never overcome her grief completely. Sometimes it’s a heavy cross to bear, staying around for those who love you.
Now a question for you: Why do you say you have killed yourself already. Was there an occurance that caused you to begin to feel dead?
@vedura
Do you mean my other post poem?
Its a long story and there’s a lot of reasons. I’m sorry but I don’t wanna go into it. Thanks anyway!
I’m envious that you love your mom so much. Because my family has hurt me so much over the years, so I’m happy for you with respect for that. I hope you can at least be with your family as long as possible, kind poem.
Thank You! I’m sorry that your family caused you pain. Lots of love and hugs to you!
Beautya, I keep thinking of you and what a loss to the world and your own unfolding as a being it would be for you to die. Are you young? I know anti-depressants don’t work as well for teens and young adults. I sure wish you could stay, however. A lot of depression is increased by diet and all the chemicals we put into our bodies from pesticides and processed food. I grew up on an apple farm where I was exposed to large amounts of pesicides. They don’t affect everyone, but they are horrible for others. I can’t use regular insect repellants, ones with deet. They incapacitate me.
This might not be something you have to live with all your life. There might be help for you. I know there was a time when I thought all was hopeless, but it’s not. And your mother would miss you so much.
I know you hurt. I know the emptiness. But I also hope you are still with us after May 31.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes I’m sorry for my family because I know they will miss me. Yes you can say I’m quite young. But this is a decision I decided on. But it’s not 100% I will succeed on this suicide. But I think I will become really depressed if I don’t succeed. Because this is my last chance. I will comment to you if I fail. Thank you for thinking about me and for your words once again! Thank you.
I understand ‘not wanting to go into it all.’ I hope to hear from you, but if I don’t, may light and love guide your way. And may you not harm yourself in a way that makes life even more unbearable if you survive. That was always a fear of mine, for myself.
I will try to remember to tune my heart to you on May 31.
Sending love,
Vedura
My heart is still with you. I haven’t forgotten. Love, Vedura
Are you still here??
Oh crap, you honestly made me cry! That such a beautiful poem! It’s so unbelievable sad that such a nice and talented perdon as you are is so fustrated and depressed that the only way out seems to be killing yourself.
I wished live would have been better to you. I really know how you must feel, I’ve felt that way for a long time too. But I’m truly happy that I did not give up when I was suicidal because live became better. Maybe it would get better for you, too if you’d try a little longer…
It seems as if your relationship to your mother is good, so I think she’d be very sad if you’ll kill yourself. And if she’s the one that finds your body it would haunt her until the end of her life. Anyways she’d have to identify you so it will be terrible for her. I don’t wanna change your mind or threaten you I’m just realistic.
Maybe it would help you to talk with your mother about your suicidal thoughts. She most likely will be understanding and willing to help you. It’s always help you to talk or even write to somebody who cares about you and I’m sure she DOES care for you.
It’s so sad to know that you’ll end your life soon. I can’t stop crying, oh my god! I wish I could help you because you seem so much like some time ago.
I won’t forget you, your poem is sooo beautiful! I’ll think of you and your mother on May 31.
Please try to stay strong. You’re unreplacebale for your family and I’m sure there are even more persons to really care about you. The world would miss you if you’re gone.
My heart is with you! I wish I could cheer you up someway so you would not have to make such a tragic decision.
Stay strong and try to smile. Love, Alina
Oh crap, you honestly made me cry! That such a beautiful poem! It’s so unbelievable sad that such a nice and talented person as you are is so fustrated and depressed that the only way out seems to be killing yourself.
I wished live would have been better to you. I really know how you must feel, I’ve felt that way for a long time too. But I’m truly happy that I did not give up when I was suicidal because live became better. Maybe it would get better for you, too if you’d try a little longer…
It seems as if your relationship to your mother is good, so I think she’d be very sad if you’ll kill yourself. And if she’s the one that finds your body it would haunt her for the rest of her life. Anyways she’d have to identify you so it will be terrible for her. I don’t wanna change your mind or threaten you I’m just realistic.
Maybe it would help you to talk with your mother about your suicidal thoughts. She most likely will be understanding and willing to help you. It’s always good to talk or write to or even just be with somebody who cares about you and I’m sure she DOES care for you.
It’s so sad to know that you’ll end your life soon. I can’t stop crying, oh my god! I wish I could help you because you seem so much like myself some time ago.
I won’t forget you, your poem is sooo beautiful! I’ll think of you and your mother on May 31.
Please try to stay strong. You’re unreplacebale for your family and I’m sure there are even more persons to really care about you. The world would miss you if you’re gone.
My heart is with you! I wish I could cheer you up someway so you would not have to make such a tragic decision.
Stay strong and try to smile. Love, Alina
Sorry for the mistakes in the first post. English isn’t my first language. ^^’
Alina, I think you expressed yourself beautifully. I want Beautya to live too.
I told someone one this site to say to her friend who was or is suicidal, this: I believe you can get through this by putting a lot of effort in this fight and getting help from family, friends, and anybody else. I think anyone who is suicidal should do this, too.
@Beautya
Since my last comment is awaiting moderation, according to the message on the post, in case it doesn’t get posted, I want to be certain that you know that my heart is with you. I haven’t forgotten you. It’s almost May 31. I hope you decide to keep living. Please let me know. Please don’t do this to yourself or to your family. Please give life one more chance.
Love,
Vedura
Hi everyone.
Thanks for your comments. I read them all.
Im still alive. I decided to delay my suicide. Its going to be this month instead maybe 22-27. It depends when I’m going to get my pills. I’m going to overdose.
Thank you all once again. I love you. I wish the best for you. You deserve it. Much love and hugs!
Please don’t worry us all again. Please talk to you mother. Please try to get help for whatever is killing you before death. I’m so glad you are still here. You are your screen name, beautiful.
In the meantime, there’s a novel you might want to read. You can download to a Kindle. Karma’s Little Helper, written by a friend of mine who was also suicidal. It’s fiction, but a fun read and informative for those who have never considered suicide. Check it out on Amazon.
Thank you, to whomever didn’t get you the pills in time.
I don’t check this website all the time. But will occasionally now, to see how you’re doing.
Vedura
It was a very good poem. You have deleted it but the full poem with all the lines is in my memory.
Try to stay strong. You are unreplaceable.
And did you gave that poem to your mom? What happened then?
Please be careful with pills from an illegal source. They might harm you in ways you do not expect.
Hey Beautya, I’m very glad to see you’re still alive.
I hope you’ll get over all your problems without having to kill yourself.
Be very careful with overdosing, there are many, many risks so maybe you wake up after trying but with serious brain and organ damages. I think it’s not the best idea because it’s very risky and dangerous. Think carefully about whether you really want to take that risk or not.
Of course it would be much better if you’d decide to live. I’d be very happy if your life would get better so you wouldn’t have to consider suicide. I wish you all the best! Stay strong, you’re worth it!
Love, Alina
Thank you guys. I gave my mom the poem and she was happy I think. I know there are risks with pills but it’s the best way to go for me. Thanks for all the advice and kind words. You guys are really the best. Lots of love to you! If I fail I will tell you. I hope I don’t. Thats the worst that can happen to me. Thanks again. I wish the best for you. Hugs <3
I wish you’d find a way to live without suicidal thoughts. Because I’m sure there is a way for you. Your mother is there for you. We think about you. And your death would be a great loss for your mother and the world.
And think about that pills don’t kill you painless!
I won’t forget you! Love, Alina
Your mother was happy to get a suicide poem? Does she know?