What does it take?
I did everything like i was supposed to. I got myself alone, away from others and made sure help just couldn’t arrive in time. But I couldn’t do it.
I stuffed the barrel of the shotgun into the back of my throat bit down on the barrel and pushed the trigger.I tried and nothing. A three year old could make that gun go off, why not me!? Few days later I stood on dam in a city far from my own. It was way past midnight, no one was around. I stood there. and couldn’t do it.Couldn’t take one damned step into the ice cold water a drown. Same story repeated in my home town two days after that.
I’m too much of a coward to want to live. But at the same time i’m so much of a coward I can’t even end myself! At the point I mentally pushed myself for who knows how long no less.
Despicable,
Cowardly,
Helpless,
Pathetic
I don’t even know what to do anymore..
14 comments
I suggest keep searching for some more firearms if you can and if not jumping off a building did you try that?
I wish it was about the firearm I had or the dam i tried to jump off, I truly wish. It’s the worthless garbage that’s supposed to take the step, jump or pull the trigger. I’ll try again with the firearm when I’ve gathered myself and I get the opportunity.
I just don’t have the courage to end my life, nor do I have the courage to want to make things better. Even with every painful barb of a memory, every failure and every piece of pain i’ve have dancing within my head I just couldn’t pull the damned trigger.
The gun is a 10 gauge hunting shotgun with birdshot, so lethality is not an issue. If that thing goes of in my mouth, they’ll be clearing what’s left of my head with a spatula.
Damn man not to sound like a dick but i wish i had a gun.If i had it in my hands i would end my life in 10 seconds without even thinking about it.
Well good luck to you anyways.
I just wish i had that kind of determination when I’m trying to pull the trigger.
Well i haven’t followed your story or anything.Is there someone in your life or anything?
Someone in my life? Maybe in passing, like I said I’ve tried to reach a point like this for years now. I don’t have and have never had a relationships nor anything that even comes close. I have no close friends, no merrits of note, no past to speak of or a future to look forward to.
Well hope you get what you want one day ^^
Firstly you’re not a coward-it takes a great deal of courage to stick a loaded gun in your mouth or to stand at the edge of an icy lake. It’s the uncertainty-of what could possibly go wrong that stops us from going further.
I think it’s with good reason. I’ve brief swam in freezing cold water and it’s a scary experience. The gun would likely kill you but if something goes wrong, you could end up much worse off.
It just comes down to finding a reliable, safe and fast method. I’m partial to asphyxiation by inert gas-that’s how I intend to go when I’m ready. I’ve read enough to know it’s safe and it’ll work. Animals are euthanized by ******** gas regularly and in nature-swamps that release methane or CO2 also kill animals. Second choice would be carbon monoxide and third self-strangulation or choking on something.
Also you don’t want to leave a nasty mess after you go for someone else to clean up.
I’d give anything to get my hands on a gun. I’m far too poor and can’t make friends.
Personally, I think that when you don’t have courage to take your life is because in a way you want to live and you are scared of what the outcome will be.
If this even helps, I would be a coward too. I would not have the balls to pull a trigger or to even jump. I want to die but I wouldn’t go for things like that. I would take the somewhat easy route; pills or just something like that.
Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not suggesting anything. I wish I could stop people from suicide but I don’t have that kind of influence on people. I mean we all go through hell and I know it’s hard but maybe one day we might make it ‘alive’.
I hope you stay strong and stick around for a little while.
Something inside of you is keeping you alive. What is it?
My music is what keeps me going. I love to play and create music.
My dad shot himself to death when I was 6 months old. His death destroyed our family and really fucked up my life. Your death will affect someone. You might not believe it, but your life does matter to someone.
I don’t really care anymore about the consequences, a shotgun. a fall aimed onto your neck or drowning. these things really mess up your brain if there were something to mess up even. In my case even being messed up would probably end the issue right then and there. Unknown is always scary, I admit. But so is being trapped in this body, in this state of mind every waking moment of my life if I could just shut everything out, or end my life just by closing my eyes. I’d do it in a heartbeat. But alas when it comes to suicide there just isn’t a safe and sound method. Everything can fail. The firearm, particularly a shotgun, is the most lethal way. there are some statistics to even back that up. Survival rate is below 3 %.
As for what keeps me going? Fear. I’m too much of a coward to pull the plug on this life. I find no solace in anything anymore. I could run for hours until I’m ragged and bleeding from my feet and I wouldn’t enjoy any moment of it and through out I’d consider how to end myself. I could play games for that same time. Maybe I couldn’t think about suicide during the games because they’re so involved but the second I pause. Everything winds back where it was, suicide. There is no safe heaven from myself. There is no skill I’m proud of, no talent to speak of. Just cold and grey life I wish I didn’t have to endure a second longer.
And as a final mention.
My life matters to someone? Of course, but it’s comparable to how one would like a good book. Sure they’re somewhat attached to it, but it won’t rock their world when it’s gone. The worst reaction I could expect is “What?! Oh, that’s a bummer.” I worked for years to reach a point like this. I don’t matter, my life doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will. Not to me, nor to anyone else.
Saying “I should keep on going in the vane hope that someone finds my ass to be too valuable to be lost” Even though they never talk, never call, never even send a text. Is like comforting a torture victim with your left hand and saying “Please stay a while longer so I can have my fun.” while sawing his foot off with your right.
I value myself enough to not allow that. I don’t give a damn about the others, I’m here because of me, for me. Not because I should keep on waging ahead through pain and torture because someone’s high chair ideals couldn’t take the damn hit.
I apologize. I didn’t mean to come off as condescending or judgemental. I value your human right to take full responsibility of your own physical body. Whatever you choose to do, I respect that.