This world is really… How should I put it? Bland? Complicated? Most of my life is spent just living like a robot doing what’s expected of me and kind of just… not really connected to my body. Like I’m not really all that there.
I don’t know what I even want to do in life or why was I even born in the first place. Honestly, I feel like I’m useless. I don’t have any skills worth talking about, a coward and I’m socially awkward. I basically just there taking up space.
I hate my current job, it pays so little, and the union itself took a good chunk (and more since I got promoted, not that it’s worth much since I only got like a .25 cents increase on my 9/hr pay) and I don’t even get a full 40hr, but at same time it’s the only thing that provides me a stable income. Working there was so stressful, the place was so unrealistic. They seriously thought I could do a closing shift on my own when I’m not even full trained for it. I get no help when I ask, get told that people managed to do it because they’ve seen. If I didn’t need the job, I would’ve probably snap back and asked if that’s the case. Then why did they have 6 people leaving the place around the same time which caused me to promoted? They don’t respect me, for all they preached about teamwork and safety, they don’t seem to follow through themselves. Sometimes I think they just want to see how far they can push before I snapped. Half the time I don’t whether I want to go murder spree (figuratively) just to cut out the root of current stress, rage then quit on them (but that’ll be counterproductive if I ever find a new job), or just end it so I could just drop everything and never have to deal with it again. I’m actually looking for a new job, but I don’t know what I should try for given my lackluster skills.
Half the time I’m afraid it’ll be a scam and the other half would be that I end up in a even worse position.
I feel like such a coward. I’m afraid of dying, but I’m also so afraid of my future. That I’ll be stuck this way no matter what. I’m terrified of going to new interviews and wondering if they’ll say no. I’m terrified of one day getting a notice saying I’m fired. And then I’d be out of job. I’m terrified I’d do some wrong constantly and screw up my life even more. All I can do in just cry alone. I’m afraid of sharing things when my family, a half of they would never understand. (I tried to tentatively hint to my sister a few times, but her replies generally leaves me feel worse about myself.) I didn’t dare try to share my problems with one of my closest friend either. I don’t want to burden her with problems when she has plenty of her own. I don’t want to bog her down. Besides I’m the older one, I shouldn’t bring her down with me, I want to look out for her so maybe then she could get something out of life unlike me.
The only joy I could even find in my life nowadays are my games/anime/manga, drawing, and my friends and that’s just barely. They always cheered me up a bit, the stories in them always sound so nice. So much that I wish I was in that world despite the dangers. I want to be able escape this world to that one. Because then I can dream about a life where I could be free to try or attempt to get somewhere in my life. I want to be able to know I have someone who has my back, who wouldn’t mind explaining things to me if I don’t know it and not laugh at me for it (I wouldn’t mind a rib or two about it, I’d expect it honestly). Or hell, at least somewhere where everyone was treated like human beings, and have some respect. Where people actually cared about one another, where people had time for it and it’s not all just about money, money, money. If it’s not that, it’s forms, forms, and more forms which probably contained so much fine print that it just makes you dizzy and head hurt from staring at it all. I wish I could just live in a world, where I’m pressed for time each and every day. A 3rd of it for sleeping, another for work, and good portion of what’s left to fill obligations on what we need to pay, fill out, check, meet just so we’d have a stablish life. I want time to myself so I can actually enjoy life. Because as I far I can see. Life right now is how robots works. Wake up, do your duties, and sleep for the most part and your day offs are basically maintenance to recover. I just happened to be one the ones glitching because I couldn’t somehow conform and deal with it.
I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone, but every year, I feel the world’s getting more and more complicated, and rigidly structured. If it keeps adding up, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up, or stand under the strain.
Anyways, if you read through all of this. Thank you for listening to my problems.