I’m so tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. Everyone thinks im “The life of the party” and that im bubbly and happy. But i hate going out, i don’t like being around people, I’d be perfectly okay with being left alone to lay in bed, go to sleep and never wake up again. I’ve had my ups and downs, but i can’t pick myself up. It’s getting hard to fake the smile and I think my friends are starting to notice, I don’t want them to notice that I’m unhappy, I don’t want them to think that they have to help. I’m not worth the time, and I don’t think that they could help me anyways. I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore. I want to kill myself, but i can’t even get out of bed. My boyfriend keeps saying “We’ll get through this.” I have no idea what he means by “we.” I mean, I know he loves me and wants to be with me, he;s told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but i dont know if i’ll be here 3 years from now, how could I promise him a lifetime, when i don’t want to live mine? He’s flawless and his parents are happy together and he’s going somewhere in life, he could go to some great engineering school if he wanted to. He’s so happy. I dont deserve him. He doesn’t deserve someone thats too lazy to even take her own life. I guess it means something that the’s trying to help, But I can’t get trhough this, anf he has nothing to get through. I’m so selfish. I will never get through this.
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seems like you dont have a bad condition, but have a little bit paranoiac mindset. sometimes eating unhealty food and being unhealty affect your mind in a bad way. and your sleep routine too. if there is no problem with these. then you are afraid to losing it. in reality you dont want to lose them, lose him. actually you love him, and actually you are happy too. you just afraid that everything you have is will go away someday. this a chronic mind pain in our century. time goes too fast, everything is motorised, and your soul is little bit turtle. thats why you get pain when you join the life. you dont want to ride a train, because everyone off when its reach the destination.
just have fun with being a turtle, ride that bus, laugh when you want and when you dont. sincerety always win.
(sorry my english is not good, cant explain sometimes what i think)
Probably the opposite of what you want to hear, but you should tell your friends, and your boyfriend, how they react will prove whether or not you deserve them, or most importantly, if they deserve you.
You do deserve friends and a partner that will stay with you, but this will hurt more the longer you keep quiet.
Also, no one will blame you for taking a day off to read a book and chill 🙂
Thanks, but i have bipolar diorder and the meds dont seem to work. You kind of summarized everything i feel but can’t vocalize.
its hard to cope with purgatory soul. dont want be boring but i remember this poem and find it…
Alone, I come to the road.
The stony track gleams in the mist:
the calm night listens to God,
and star is speaking to star.
All’s marvellous, grave, in the sky!
Earth sleeps in the radiant blue
Why such pain then, such weight on the heart?
Do I regret, wait for something new?
I expect no more from this life
and I’ve no regrets for the past.
I look for freedom and peace:
I want rest and oblivion at last…
But not the chill peace of the grave:
I’d like to sleep for all time
so life’s powers slept in my chest,
and it heaved with my gentle breath:
an enchanted voice in my ear
singing, day and night, of love:
and a dark oak to rustle over me,
and bend down from above.
if you are bipolar i must say its always hard to cope with purgatory soul. doesnt matter if its disease if it comes with born…i remembered one poem about this by lermontov, he’s borned to be purgatory.
Alone, I come to the road.
The stony track gleams in the mist:
the calm night listens to God,
and star is speaking to star.
All’s marvellous, grave, in the sky!
Earth sleeps in the radiant blue…
Why such pain then, such weight on the heart?
Do I regret, wait for something new?
I expect no more from this life
and I’ve no regrets for the past.
I look for freedom and peace:
I want rest and oblivion at last
But not the chill peace of the grave:
I’d like to sleep for all time
so life’s powers slept in my chest,
and it heaved with my gentle breath:
an enchanted voice in my ear
singing, day and night, of love:
and a dark oak to rustle over me,
and bend down from above.