I’ve been wanting to die for quite a while now, and It’s not that I’ve lost all my friends, or that I have some illness, traumas or whatever. And that makes me sad. Sad because I want life to never have started, but I have no real reason to want that.
Well, I hate the options of future I have right now. I’m enrolling on engineering, but have disliked it since the first half. I like music quite a lot, and have tried a few instruments, but I came to realise that I don’t have the time to master any instrument and make a living out of it, and also came to realise that I don’t have the talent. And that really annoyed me. the only thing I cherished in life didn’t cherish me.
That being said, I don’t see myself living through a routine on any profession. And recently every single thing there is to do just seems like a enourmous pain in the *ss. getting up early, eating right, socializing is the worst, trying to fake joy in existing, crist. All my energy goes away on the most basic stuff. I just wish I didn’t need to do anything. not eat, not see, not feel. i just wish NOTHING.
still virgin, never dated for more than 3 weeks. middle-class.
My ideal form of suicide was CO poisoning, but it seems to be difficult to obtain. Then I thought of jumping from somewhere high. a hotel. maybe call a prostitute, write a long goodbye letter explaining why i did what i did and jump.
but that would bring too many bad feelings. That’s why I wanted a clean way, so they see my body peaceful, at rest, how I wish to be.
I have tried treatment with a psycologist, but to no avail. I realised I don’t change, I’m the same person I was 5 years ago. the same insecurities, the same abuses, the same whining and the same wish to die.
Having a baby to me seems like such a selfish attitude. what do parents think? ‘let’s forcefully introduce someone into this world and let it go through tons of suffering only to reap tiny amounts of joy, and through laws, religion and morals forbid it from quitting this enourmously shitty state?’ “SURE, WHY THE HEAVENS NOT?”
I hate the way I deal with my responsibilites, and I tried hard to change that, but I just couldn’t. The way I always postpone, procrastinate, and here I am doing it again. Its’s 2am and I have class in 5 hours.
None of my friends even suspect that I want out. I just wish I had no one to leave, or maybe I’m just making up excuses for not doing it.
either way, I can’t see why people desire to live. It all just seems boring. To work at something, to have a sexual partner, weekly meetings with friends, monthly dinners, annual parties, waking up, taking eternal showers, eternal breakfests.
well, thak you for your time, srry for the bad english. random12 out
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2 comments
Your English is fine. I’m sorry you’re feeling like you want out. I know the feeling. I often feel I have no place in the world. If I was not here but no one knew… my friends could think fondly of me, then move on with their busy life. Why would they need to know? Crazy, huh? Crazy because I don’t want to be gone but my life doesn’t feel strong enough to be worth being here.
The truth is my fear is I’ll never have what I want. Never have a full life or even half of that full life. It seems like I can watch life all around me but I can’t join in. Something is very wrong with ME!
But what I am realizing is I’ve felt I have this big character flaw that keeps me from making the “right” steps. But that is not it.
It is the fear that is holding me back. I have to deal with the fear(s). I am a good person who is facing terrible pain.
You are a good person too. You have a lot on your mind. I am sad that you are sad. I wish I had really wise words that would make you feel included in this life, make you unable to even consider leaving early.
The world needs each of our eyes and ears AND voice. Please search for what you need. Please know how important you are.
Write again. And I hope today is a good day for you!
If you’ve always felt this way then you might wanna do a little research on reasons children are suicidal. I was suicidal and thought my life was perfect when I was a child. Failed attempts at suicide discouraged me from trying too hard.
Turned out I did have an illness and good reasons to feel that way despite perceiving my life to be ideal.
Don’t rule out the chance that you just have a brain chemistry problem.