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What’s the point

by Katki

I’m 49 – diagnosed and began treatment for depression and anxiety in my early 20s

I  have 4 kids –  none of my relationships worked so I am alone.

I have been on every medication there is to treat depression – nothing works very well

I don’t want to wake up anymore, been fighting this for so fucking long – my parents practically raised my kids for me – I was just not able to for the most part. I’ve failed everyone, including my Father, who died 2 years ago from cancer.  I love my kids – and they’ve forgiven me, well 3 have.  The 4th  is estranged because his Father refused to return him from a parental visit when he was 13.  The courts said 13 was old enough to decide where he wanted to live… so that was that.

I cry almost every day .. I stare out my bedroom window as I  fall to sleep pleading with the powers that be to let me leave – just not wake up again.  I don’t want to be here –  I am so fucking sick of being alone.  I’m sick of feeling this way, sick of the routine, sick just sick.

10 years ago, I ate to get fat so that men would no longer find me attractive.  It worked, but now – 60 lbs lighter, I feel like I  just want to be held again.  All I have found is guys that want to have an ‘online relationship’ – no commitment, no face to face .. no REAL love.  What the fuck is wrong with guys?  They don’t want to feel wanted the same way?

I tried suicide-  clearly failed… about 12 years ago..  Thinking how easy it would be to just swallow the whole bottle – last time I did that though – I woke up in the hospital and thought there were spiders crawling all over  the damn walls…  gotta do it right, or you’re stuck here

 

Today I’ll think about it…

 

 

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4 comments

JustReallySad 6/8/2015 - 10:19 pm

Just to be upfront with you cause I’m not ready for a relationship right now. But your post touched me cause I’m kinda in the same situation. I’m a 51 year old male, who’s struggled with mental health and addiction issues my entire life. I’m bipolar and on medication and also I’ve been sober for 15 months so far this time around. I have one child (a son) who will be graduating from high school in a couple weeks. I did manage to get my demons under control and actually I was the one who raised our son while my wife worked. Him and I have a great relationship, but it’s still not the same as it was since he’s living with his mother while I’m living at my parents house. Long story short, but last year I found out my wife was cheating on me. I was willing to work things out, but after 24 years of marriage she decided she wanted a divorce. It should become final any day now. Not that it really matters now, but since you mentioned your weight loss in your post, I lost 120 pounds and meanwhile my wife is morbidly obese. So much for losing weight making me more appealing to her. Anyway, this last year has really sucked. I feel hurt, betrayed, hopeless, and scared. I’m trying to stay strong for my son, but it’s an uphill battle. My visits with him are the only thing that really give me any pleasure. I really thought that I would spend the rest of my life with my wife, but that dream is shattered. The prospect of being alone for the rest of my life sounds just horrible. Where I go from here, I don’t know. I think of suicide a lot and made some attempts. Once I nearly succeeded but 911 was called just in time. Now, I think I’m just too chicken shit to go through with it. In your post, you were kinda critical of guys who only want an online relationship. As much as I don’t want to be alone forever, I’m just still very hurt, scared, and not to trusting. I guess that maybe just being friends is what I need for now.

Katki 6/9/2015 - 10:49 am

Hey – I know that not all guys are that way – its just my own experience that has me questioning everything. I hope you can stay sober.. I’m pretty sure that an addiction on top of the depression we already suffer would be unbearable.
My youngest daughter just turned 15, and we live with my widowed Mother. Life is just too hard – I mean – meds would be fine if they worked!
And I know how you feel – after my last relationship – (10 years ago) I was lost, hurt and never wanted to feel betrayed again. So I cut myself off from society completely. It really sucks when you don’t know who, if anyone, you can trust. My daughter is the only reason I haven’t tried to end it again. I can’t risk losing her – and I think she would feel pretty betrayed if I did – that’s a legacy I refuse to leave. So I just cry myself to sleep every night instead.. at least for now.
I have absolutely nobody to talk to – zero friends, and that’s not an exaggeration .. That’s why I posted here. I’m sorry you feel the way you do – maybe it will help to know that you aren’t the only one feeling like that?

JustReallySad 6/9/2015 - 12:39 pm

Yes, it does help to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way and thank you for replying to my comment. I believe you’re not exaggerating about having zero friends. I don’t have any either. I talk to my son, my parents, doctors and my social worker and that’s it. I know I need more in my life, but I’m not confident enough to try new social situations. I am envious of you living with your daughter. That was the other hard part of this whole thing – not living with my son anymore. I see him 2 or 3 times a week and talk to him on the phone everyday, but it’s not the same as living together. He really was and still is my best friend. I don’t really know what else to say. I’m really pretty shy, but you sound like a nice person and I wish you the best. I come to this website often and it seems like there’s a lot of young people so when I saw your post I couldn’t resist commenting. You can count me as your “computer” friend. Sorry if that sounds really dorky.

Katki 6/9/2015 - 1:26 pm

It doesn’t sound dorky and I appreciate your comments – yes I am extremely lucky to be living with my daughter. My oldest son and daughter both live on their own, don’t need Mama anymore. My estranged son is in another country right now with his girlfriend. I saw him in March … he doesn’t call and makes no effort to contact me – but I do not fault him for that – it’s how his ‘Father’ raised him. So much hate and disinformation.
Feels so bad to feel this way again – or still? After 20 + years… you keep hoping things will change for the better.. but they just haven’t and I’m SO tired of it…so very tired.
I don’t even talk to the doctors anymore – it doesn’t help me.. and they just want to mess with meds.. I don’t sleep well – because I don’t want to go to bed alone anymore.. My life is just so meaningless. The only legacy I will leave is tragedy.

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