I’m 49 – diagnosed and began treatment for depression and anxiety in my early 20s
I have 4 kids – none of my relationships worked so I am alone.
I have been on every medication there is to treat depression – nothing works very well
I don’t want to wake up anymore, been fighting this for so fucking long – my parents practically raised my kids for me – I was just not able to for the most part. I’ve failed everyone, including my Father, who died 2 years ago from cancer. I love my kids – and they’ve forgiven me, well 3 have. The 4th is estranged because his Father refused to return him from a parental visit when he was 13. The courts said 13 was old enough to decide where he wanted to live… so that was that.
I cry almost every day .. I stare out my bedroom window as I fall to sleep pleading with the powers that be to let me leave – just not wake up again. I don’t want to be here – I am so fucking sick of being alone. I’m sick of feeling this way, sick of the routine, sick just sick.
10 years ago, I ate to get fat so that men would no longer find me attractive. It worked, but now – 60 lbs lighter, I feel like I just want to be held again. All I have found is guys that want to have an ‘online relationship’ – no commitment, no face to face .. no REAL love. What the fuck is wrong with guys? They don’t want to feel wanted the same way?
I tried suicide- clearly failed… about 12 years ago.. Thinking how easy it would be to just swallow the whole bottle – last time I did that though – I woke up in the hospital and thought there were spiders crawling all over the damn walls… gotta do it right, or you’re stuck here
Today I’ll think about it…