My whole life I’ve felt so empty and worthless, it’s like I don’t belong here, I used to be the kind of person who just put on a mask and tried to live life thinking, “Well if I can’t know happiness I’ll just try and make others happy instead.” Bad idea. People will take advantage of you every single time whether you see it or not, no one cares, and the ones who do are only pretending so they can get something out of you in the end. I hate living, hate it. every time I look at my own reflection I get so mad because the person i see is horrible and disgusting, full of pain and misery, I hate that face, and I hate the person behind it so much more. The only person to ever make me feel like I was worth something is long gone. She kept me alive by telling me how selfish it would be for me to kill myself, that I had to think about how it would make everyone else feel. Well after a year of bitter loneliness I no longer care about being selfish or hurting people. I only care about what I want, and what I want is my own death.
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There is so much more in life. Happiness is a hard thing to find if you actually think about it. It’s more like if you come to peace with yourself you will become happy
It’s not selfish to want relief from pain. Okay, perhaps it may be “selfish” by definition. But definitions are purely made up. You can make up anything you want. Being selfish is not a bad thing. I think that the word was invented so subjugate others. To control them. But we can barely control ourselves, and what right do others have to control us? Your feelings of happiness are first and foremost. When you can make yourself happy, then you can worry about making others happy. Happiness is for your sake. Once you are happy, then it naturally flows to others. But it is not something you are obligated to do for others. Now if that is what people expect, then that is “selfish”.
I hope you can find a way out of your thoughts. Or perhaps just let them flow however they like. Whatever it is, do it for yourself. Because the only person who is capable of caring about you, and should care about you the most is–you.