Hi. This is my first post being on here and I am sort of scared to share my story with everyone. But I will try my best to tell it in the least amount of words possible.
Well, I am 16 and I have bad thoughts almost everyday. I have hated myself for the past few years and I would say it really start when I was turning 13. I started to have feelings for my best friend, who is a girl, and I thought that I was some disgusting freak of nature. My mom was okay with it when I came out to her but my dad slowly and not directly told me he would never be okay with it. My dad and my step mom and extreme Christians and are against anything slightly gay, which makes it really hard when they have custody of you. I used to live with my mom but then things happened with her and a boyfriend and my siblings and I were taken away and my dad gained custody. That is when I really knew I wanted to die more than have air in my lungs.
Everyday, I hear these voices in my head tell me things like I am worthless, a mistake, a burden, self-centered, fat, and just many more things that I bet some of you hear. I have only ever self harmed because I am physically unable to commit suicide, which makes me hate myself even more. I cause a lot of problems for my family and friends and I really feel the need to just end things and get the final act of hurt out of the way.
So that is my story in a nutshell, but if I am still here later on, I will tell more of it. Thanks for listening.
-M-
5 comments
Why did you have to tell your dad? How did your best friend take it that you had feeling for her? You feel miserable because you’re family doesn’t approve your relationship with another girl? maybe they don’t need to know…
I didn’t come out to my dad willingly. When I started to first selfharm, my dad and step mom took my journal and read i . I wrote about how I thought I was bi and how I was in love with my best friend. So that is how I basically was forced to come out. My now ex best friend was shocked and said it honestly would never happen. After that, we slowly started to drift apart and rarely talk anymore. And yes, that was one of the reasons I felt miserable and it still is a big reason today. I hate having to hide myself.
That’s not nice of your parents to read your journals. It must have been awful! I’m sorry to hear what happened between you and your ex best friend. However much we hate to have to hide, we do so only to protect ourselves, just like you would not want to walk alone at night in a bad neighborhood, even though this is a free country.
Be strong. Two more years you’ll be off to college anyway. I also keep a journal, but I write in my phone that gets stored in Google drive, so if something does happen to me, nobody would be reading that stuff.
Good luck. Don’t kill yourself before you have a chance to travel around the world!
Don’t blame yourself (I know, it’s easy for me to say). We are who we are and sexuality isn’t a choice. I’m sorry to hear you self harmed and hate yourself because of this but perhaps there’s a better outlet that you could vent through? What hobbies do you have?
Also age is on your side. Time keeps ticking and I like to think that because you say you “can’t” commit suicide, it means you can find some solace with a purpose on earth, perhaps helping others?
Having things like helping others is one of the reasons I can’t actually commit suicide. But the main reason is I am physically not able to because I am in a wheelchair. And I have tried to vent through other outlets such as writing or talking to people but you can only say so much to people before they give up on you and you can only write so much before the pen runs out of ink or the pencil runs out of lead.