I got frustrated watching the Sopranos last night because the characters were acting stupid. My anger at these fictional people once again reminded me of how empty my life is. I recently came to the realization that I don’t actually have any friends. My co-workers only care about what I have to say if it’s entertaining and won’t hang out with me after hours. The friends that I do see in my spare time only ever want to do stuff once every 3 or 4 months. The guy that I considered my best friend is little more than an acquaintance. I’ve told him so much about me, about my depression and failed relationships and fears, and I thought he cared because he always responds to my e-mails, but again, it usually takes him a few months. Texting is the same thing.
Anyone I text, it takes them weeks to get back to me, if they ever do. Ugh, listen to me complaining. I wanted to be alone and now here I am. I kept failing at relationships and friendships and letting down my family; I wished to be alone and away from them all and now I am. I’m perfectly alone. I could kill myself today and no one would notice for at least a week. I’m not in regular enough contact with my family for them to wonder where I am. Most likely it’ll be because I haven’t shown up to work that people start to question my whereabouts. This is what I wanted, I guess.
I turned off the Sopranos last night for the last time. Never gonna watch another TV show or movie again. It’s all nonsense that reminds me why I don’t want to be around people anymore. I spent the rest of the night listening to this one rap song on repeat and imagining myself jumping off a bridge that’s around the corner from my house. The only thing stopping me is the fear of pain and of surviving the fall. I used to worry about how my brother would feel, but now he only cares about his cell phone and the people on the other end of it. My 15 year old brother has been keeping me sane these last 5 or 6 years. He lives with our neglectful mother so going over there everyday after work to help him with whatever he needs gave me a sense of purpose. But now it feels like he’s just using me. We used to study all the time and exercise and he was making great strides, but now he only ever does anything productive when I’m around. I ask him to write something or read something as a little assignment and he doesn’t do it. Always some excuse. He would have failed all of his grade 9 classes if I weren’t constantly pushing him. Even that wasn’t enough; I had to bribe him with a Playstation 4 just so he would focus on getting all of his credits. The Ps4 was the only thing that he ever thanked me for without me having to remind him to do so.
He doesn’t need me anymore. Nobody needs me. I was researching volunteering in my area but I lost interest. Helping the homeless seems like a waste of time. Most of them choose to live on the streets, and the ones that don’t are hustling for work and trying to get their lives on track, not in the soup kitchens looking for handouts. Working with old/dying people sounded good but I don’t do well around people in pain. I’d just feel helpless watching them, knowing how shitty they felt and not being able to do anything about it. I usually smoke a joint and forget about when I’m hurting but I’m not the type of smoker who would ever offer it to a non-smoker as an alternative. I just think it’s rude, offering illicit drugs. Anyway, the bridge..
I want to jump, I feel justified in jumping, but I’m so afraid. My fear is what keeps me from living, interacting with others, and my fear keeps me from killing myself, freeing my mind from having to endure reality for another day. Looking at the walls and ceiling of my apartment, all I could see were cold, steel bars. I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future until I get over my fears. Too afraid to go left or right, so I stay in neutral. fuck fuck fuck, I’m so depressed. I’m keeping my life in a catatonic state but I can’t take it anymore. Something has to give. I need to move. I need to do something.
10 comments
Im sorry to hear that, i understand that feeling when the worst is no one cares, not even a family member, when technology is right above us. And friends? You cant really rely on them, after all these years, i just feel like substitutes, yes no one do really care. One on one, my life as in my life, only to trust myslf n hang on. Thats when i found out I rely on strangers or whoever online that would kindly listen to me, ones who reply in seconds. They care.
I can chat with you if you want to, people here are good enough, much more better than ones beside me.
Forget about dramas, movies or those stuffs, theyre for those who dont even have worries, theyre for entertainment, never for me. Dreamy world, i used to dream, now i regret.
I suggest you to have some new friends? No matter in person or just online, you sound not that bad that no one needs you, youre kind, im sure everyone is kind at first, yet walked in different paths, and im sure some walked in some similar, who will end up understanding your feelings, surround yourslf with those.
Keep on finding volunteering stuffs, you never know how they might need youre kindness.
Cheer up
thanks a lot for your response. I really, really appreciate you taking the time to write all that. It makes me want to cry. People that I’ve been friends with for years won’t even respond to my little text messages, but you went out of your way to read my whole post and wrote a lengthy reply in no time. You’re right about other people needing kindness. That was what was motivating me to look for volunteer work, helping someone who needs kindness and compassion the way that my brother used to need it. I’m going to keep looking. Thanks again for your kind words. I’m going to look to people on the internet more often now. thanks a lot
Its okay, im sure many would luv to give you suggestions and give supports as we are too in smhow similar conditions, glad to make u feel better, feel free to chat, i learn to care n found love in this site, n im looking for more strangers to chat with, u kno, when youre familiar with a stranger, he or she wont be a stranger anymore, thts the only problem, stranger doesnt last, but their care and love do
Hey tphg, I remember you from wayyy back. Congratulations to us both for surviving this long, eh?
Funny how you talked about the Sopranos setting you off. I’ve also been plunged into suicidal funks after watching pointless fictional characters on tv… sometimes it just highlights the disconnect we feel with the real world.
Lately I only watch “art films”, not because I want to be a pretentious snob, but just because those sorts of films feel more like the director/writer expressing things directly to me. In other words, like eeem said, “entertainment” doesn’t work.
I think you’re on the right track with volunteering. Logic says: if your own life is a hopeless mess, then if you dedicate yourself to someone else maybe you won’t feel like such a failure. The problem is, some of the people you end up trying to help (homeless, hospice care patients, etc) are just as hopeless, if not more. So that leads to more of that feeling of failure. At least that’s my experience, and it sounds like maybe you experienced it too.
So I’m gonna float an idea at you, and this worked great in my case. Volunteer at your local shelter, walking dogs, playing with kittens, anything. The difference is I’ve noticed that animals are always full of hope, even if they only see you once a week to go on a 5 minute walk. Those 5 minutes are profoundly inspiring for both.
‘Course it doesn’t fix your problems. But it gives you a worthwhile distraction (emphasis on ‘worthwhile’ because you’re at least you’re making another life happy). And stop watching the Sopranos for chrissake haha.
That is a fantastic idea! The other day I was thinking that the closest person I have to a real friend is my brothers tabby cat. I love him so much. Watched him grow from a kitten to the round bellied Garfield cat that he is now. I usually eat a can of tuna as a snack so whenever I go over to visit, I split it with him lol That animal volunteer idea really is a great, and I know for a fact that the animal shelters in my city are always overloaded with animals so I’m sure they could use the help. I’m a bit scared of animals, but not nearly as scared of them as I am people.
Thanks a lot for the tip and congrats to you too for sticking it out so long. Besides working with animals, have you done anything else to help keep you alive? You’ve really added some relief to my mind with your post. I thought I was the only one that got emotionally invested in fictional characters to the point of wanting to off myself. I feel crazy getting so upset at people that don’t exist, and that makes me feel even more depressed. The problem I have with cutting out TV/movies is that it’s my only escape. As soon as an episode finishes, my mind immediately jumps back into a depressive state, so I put on another episode to keep my brain occupied. The alternatives I’ve come up with would be a better use of time (learning piano, learning italian, writing a novel) but there’s no escape there. I’m addicted to fantasy worlds. i watch tv when I eat, going to sleep, doing laundry; the tube is always on. I’m going to try really hard to go cold turkey. thanks again for taking the time to write all that. I appreciate the effort and you sharing those excellent ideas.
Great to hear! I also love the round tabby Garfield types. A handful of fuzz therapy goes further than anything I ever got from a specialist 😉
“a bit scared of animals, but not nearly as scared of them as I am of people.”
Haha well here’s a fun little secret… I’m also pretty terrified of people, but somehow I feel comfortable with the other volunteers at the shelter. It’s a pretty dysfunctional bunch really… I mean who else would spend their spare time at an animal shelter instead of going out with friends & socializing? Answer: people who are scared of people. So you might just feel at home.
Other things I try doing to cope? Haha coincidentally you named 2 of them: learn piano & Italian (well French because I suck at Italian). There’s something about learning something new & interesting that wakes up part of your brain in a good way. I guess it’s like exercising to keep your body healthy; learning new stuff makes my mind feel healthier, whatever that means.
And yea, the TV gets a bad rap, but I think it’s a great form of escape. Listening to music is also. I recently found my brother’s old turntable and I’ve been hunting down old vinyl albums. The experience is so nostalgic (even though I wasn’t alive when half these albums were made), again, it’s a great escape for me. Funny, you mentioned listening to a rap tune on repeat and sorta losing yourself in that. I might have to go hunt down some old school rap/hiphop on vinyl in your honor. Run DMC, Public Enemy, Beastie Boys, that could be really fun. So thank YOU for planting the idea 🙂
Im there . so many acquaintances and yet no friends. it sucks. always question why me??
when I used to believe in God, I thought that he made me this way so that I wouldn’t have any distractions in my pursuit of greatness (wealth, power, fame). I would read about all these great and powerful men of the past and learned that a lot of the troubles they had in life were a direct result of being married or having too many friends and then getting stabbed in the back by them. My thinking was that since I suck at making friends and meeting women, but am talented in in other ways, I could put all of my energies into a business or politics or something and become great myself without bad relationships weighing me down. I realized too late that I don’t actually care about wealth, power and fame lol I just want to feel some level of satisfaction in life that doesn’t involve drugs. I want to feel like what I do matters.
yeah I agree.being lonely has its benefits. but its negatives. so its like we’re stuck. whatever you work on, you’re doing something that matters. just existing matters. I used to be an atheist and now see God put us here for a reason.. why go to drugs? do you consider your life worse than others, or just feel empty?
Got to read this kind of late because of Salt’s comment (i love garfield, lol). You know, at times i think there are valid reasons that we become disposable to people. In the old times (damn i sound like a geezer) people used to hang on to their friends because it was kinda difficult to make others, or just to stay in contact with the ones they had (no computers, no cell phones, no internet!). That alone made keeping contact kinda mandatory on both sides of a relationship.
In that sense, and it’s sad to say it, there’s just a modern tendency to keep a hold of something when it’s useful, and discard it when it’s not (or when something better or even different comes along). It’s fun because the “they take months to reply” thing is pretty common nowadays, yet few people talk about how it doesn’t happen when they have something to offer. I’d say that it’s easy to find people to hang out with by convenience, yet the people that stays by choice is few and those are the ones that are worth it (haven’t had one of those in almost like a decade, lol).
As for your brother, it’s the most normal thing in the world. At his age it’s normal that he wants to slack off and just do whatever mindless thing is fashionable, so try not to take it as if he doesn’t need you, he’s just growing up.
Doing something might help like you say. Maybe volunteering? there are other activities other than helping the homeless, or you might take on a hobby. Painting, drawing, music in general, heck, even stealing the ps4 from your brother and playing videogames might be a choice. Keeping yourself busy does help at times, until a new life change comes along (for better or worse).