Survivor

I’m Kat, I’m 19, I’ve suffered from psychotic depression and severe anxiety for 7 years. I’ve had a really rough upbringing, my father OD’d and disowned me when I was 15, I’ve had hallucinations and delusions since I was 3. Self harmed between ages 13 – 17. Suffered chronic joint pain since I was probably around 9. Have been on several medications. Dropped out of high school at 15. Been homeless. Been mentally and verbally abused by several people. Forced into consenting to sex. SO much. So much about my life fucking sucked.

March 13, 2014.
My boyfriend and I split up, I don’t know why. We’re back together now and going strong. I sustain that it was because he was fucked up and wouldn’t talk about anything but I understand.
We hadn’t spoken for 2 weeks. I hadn’t eaten almost anything for 2 weeks. My best friend was hardly even speaking to me and she knew I was bad. We organised to hang out, watch movies. I thought it would cheer me up. I smiled for the first time in 2 weeks just at the thought of seeing her. She cancelled at the last minute. That was it, I remember thinking “this is the last time I get hurt”. For those 2 weeks I had been constantly sneaking more medication every night just to help me sleep, I would wake up during the day and take more so that I could be numb. Over 2 years at least though, I had stashed away all kinds of medications, anti depressants, anti psychotics, sleeping pills, pain killers, everything I could sneakily take and hide. So I sent mum a little message. She was at work and usually she didn’t see her messages until she got home, so I figured I’d have plenty of time to end before she could stop me. That day she checked her messages at work apparently she ‘had a feeling’. She came home, took me to the hospital.
I actually look back and laugh, when we got to the ER she was trying to walk me in, I remember just collapsing to my knees and feeling like I was going to vomit, I blacked out completely and have no idea what happened but it must have only been a few minutes later that I looked up and saw dozens of people watching me, not helping, just seeing some kid crouched by thin weird fucking vomit with white pills all through it, scars all up her arm, wearing a bright yellow, happy style dress. They all seemed so shocked. So kind of disgusted. I tried to stand and fell several times, my legs were shaking so hard. I was put in a wheelchair and I smiled at everyone as I was wheeled past. I fucking smiled. Why did I smile. Anyway a couple hours later, all that dumb hospital shit was over, the heart monitoring, the charcoal, all that, and the guy who’s in charge of the mental ward there (which I had been in before) came to assess me. I was so drugged up that I wasn’t hearing any of the words he was saying, I just wanted to sleep. I remember just laughing and laughing at him. And yawning and looking around the room and thinking “holy fuck everything is so white.” I thought I was dead.

But now I’m okay. I’m really okay. I’m alive and I’m getting better.
I’m coming off Seroquel XR. I plan to be medication free for as long as possible. I’m starting counselling. I’m looking for a job. I’m with someone who loves me (that dumb ass I split up with last year actually). I’m finding passion for things, like music and gaming. I haven’t self harmed in a long time.

Thanks mum for saving my life, thank you for being there for me ever since, thank you for dumping all the assholes that hated me so badly for my mental illness.

Thanks to my father to disowning me, for allowing me to realise the scumbag you really are, thank you for not speaking to me in years, because if you did I think I’d kill you. Cheater, abuser, overall shitty human.

Thanks to my brother, for never asking any questions, never making me talk, but always being there for me silently.

Thanks to my boyfriend, H.F., for loving me, and loving me, and loving me, even when I didn’t seem to love you. Thank you for not making me feel guilty for wanting to take my life. Thank you for making me eat, thank you for being stern with me about self harm. Thank you for all the massages and kisses.

Thanks to these fucking bands and singers for helping me keep it together;
Enter Shikari, twenty one pilots, Rise Against, Reel Big Fish, La Dispute, Operation Ivy, The Bennies, Cosmo Jarvis, Nicki Minaj (seriously queen), Say Anything, Human Kitten, Andrew Jackson Jihad, Smith Street Band, Clowns, Morning Glory, Amanda Palmer, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks to my friends, for understanding that I don’t always want to talk or hang out;
A.W., S.M., ER.S., C.P. I love you guys.

I will live til I die. And I won’t die at my own hand. And I will try to not die at anyone elses.