What is my purpose ?

On to the point … when i was barely 3 years old , my parents went to work abroad since we didn’t have enough money to pay out the credits they had taken to build our new “Home” … the credits were more than 6 digits in € … I was still young and i had become a witness of so many family argues that its not even funny , i have seen my father hit my mother to *BLOOD*, believe me it was quite traumatising for a 3-5 year old kid to witness this … so on , when i was about 7 my parents divorced , my father came back from abroad (i was living with my grandmother alone during the time), but my mother stayed there. It was time for my first day at school , and no one except my grandmother was there , my mother was on my brothers school day , because hes 7 years older than me , and when i was supposed to be in first grade , he was in 8th and moved to another city all alone … so , i was left with my mother abroad , my father alone and working all day everyday , and the contact with my brother was cut off … so what was i supposed to do … even though no one ever told me what was going on , i could guess , i tried to be neutral , not to cause any MORE TROUBLE than there already was … i never wanted anything , i always denied if i was asked to be bough something for me… so my childhood wasn’t all games and laughs , not at all , i would stay at home and watch TV all day everyday … but i had this one friend … one and only , he is a total opposite of my personality , i suck at sports , and he is a tennis player , i’m not very talkative , but he could sit and talk all night as long as i’m there to listen ,  we got along pretty well … he was the only light in my life , then in about 5th grade we went in to the same school , and got in the same class , luckily we were a mixture between my old , and his old class , so we were pretty familiar with our selves , however  i got to meet one wonderful girl … that was pretty close to my best friend … i used to go out with him and his friends just so i could be around her … i though of my self , ‘this is great ,  i finally have a reason to live for’ but no , one night she asked me out ( not on a date) and i though this was my chance to confess to her , it was my only chance , so i buckled up  , put my thoughts together , just so my heart could be broken …. she asked me if my best friend has ever talked about her … she was in love with him … her love was one sided though , so was mine at this point … when i told her , she just started crying and ran home as fast as possible , i didn’t even have the will to stop her … so then again,  i was left without parents pretty much , i didn’t have any relations to my brother , the girl i was in love with , was dreaming of my best friend , and what ?? What was left for me ? I guess my friend … today he is still ready to go out in at anytime no matter if he is busy or not , as long as i call him , he is ready to hang out with me … but still … my school was going fair enough up to the point where i had to go to high school , it was truly one  big mistake , since my brother is 7 years older , when i got to be in 8th grade i chose to be in his city , but he would move cities again … so i ended up going there never the less … yet again , i was left alone , so i had no one to rely on … my friend went in to another city , and i was all alone , with him away , i felt like i was in the darkest place in the world , my  math  grades fell drastically from 5 (B)  to 2.5o , and barely 3 (D i think) …  and i had literally  nothing , i had no friends , no family , my new class acted bull shit with me because i was from a smaller town , i wasn’t good at sports , and my math grades fell … i felt depressed , so just hang around doing nothing all day, and every now and then i used to play video games , where i met a lot of cool people which knew about my situation … i don’t know why , they probably felt sorry for me , but they used to call me everyday to see if i’m good … but then again , they were online friends , i couldn’t go out with them in real life , so i felt even more depressed, one day i left a message of what was on my mind , i was going to suicide , i used a script i made on my own , to send it to everyone i cared for , at the same time ,i was planing to suicide at around 9 pm so the message was sent about half an hour earlier so i could ‘be with them’ in my last moments , it was the first time i had heard their voices , they called me from the other side of the world just to shout out “DON’T DO IT , YOU DESERVE TO LIVE” , at the time , i just fell down and had never felt so much mixed emotions at the same time , i was happy , so happy that someone out there cared for me , and then i was sad because i didn’t have the guts to cut my self and end all the suffering , and then i felt sorry for what trouble i have caused them , that call must have cost a lot , and so on … i am a sore loser , i have nothing to live for on this world , what is my purpose , was am i here , to suffer? It may not sound like it ,this is my first time sharing the  ( not so big) story of my pointless pity life , and when i think , that there is people out there who are 1000 times worse than me , and still keep on fighting … then i just pull my self together and charge and hit my self in the wall … i can not bare even the slightest thing , WHY ARE THEY SO STRONG , HOW ? I do not know why do i exist today … no this is wrong , i do know , i exist today because i did not  have the guts to kill my self …yet again i feel so depressed …