Compared to some of the stories of unspeakable suffering on this site mine may seem almost frivolous at first glance but I assure you it is not frivolous to me.
I was born with a brain that seems tailor-made for science and philosophy. As a boy of 11 I acquired books about physics, cosmology and philosophy. I can’t say that I understood everything at that age (I am not a genius) but I understood quite a bit, certainly enough to get me hooked for life.
I was especially fascinated by questions about the origin of it all (Why is there anything at all and not nothing?) and its purpose (What are we doing here, or supposed to do? What is all of this about?). It became almost an obsession at that tender age.
Some of it was a mental escape from the life circumstance I found myself in. I was born to parents who were way too young (mother was 16) and wanted anything but a child. That underlying feeling of not being wanted coloured my outlook to a significant degree. It wasn’t all bad, however. My grandparents loved me to bits and that provided some relief and compensation for the warmth and love my parents were not able to give.
I am now in my 50s and life is – on the surface – not too bad. I have a wonderful and very loving wife, my brain makes enough income to life comfortably and except from some annoying (but not debilitating) back pain I am fairly healthy. So, what am I doing here? Why am I suicidal?
I deeply resonate with the Buddhist perspective that “life is suffering”. Nothing is permanent, everything ends and often in horrible or otherwise unpleasant ways. I am very empathetic and I have a keen sense for other people’s emotional state and suffering. There is so much suffering going on, everywhere. Humans are horrible animals, able and willing to inflict unspeakable suffering to each other and our environment. I am virtually certain that we are doomed as a species. We have ruined this planet. Global warming has reached the point of no return and if that won’t eradicate us it will be indiscriminate and plain stupid use of technology (AI for example). I am saying this as someone who is fascinated by technology and actively works on developing new ones.
Being the empath I am I have very little tolerance for suffering, whether personally experienced or witnessed. But most importantly I don’t see any reason to endure it. Why the hell should I? I cannot come up with a convincing answer to that question. I also cannot find a purpose to my existence or to our existence in general. This entire universe is a virtually endless cycle of creating new things based on the destruction of existing things. Many of the atoms essential for life (carbon and oxygen for example) are only made in supernovas, which are extremely powerful and violent star explosions that eradicate entire solar systems and their planets and all life on it in just a blink of an eye. The universe doesn’t care about anything, it just does its thing.
There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. And I didn’t sign up for any of this. We are helplessly thrown into this place, without any manual or instructions whatsoever. And yes, there is beauty, sometimes even unspeakable beauty. But all in all, the scales seem to have a tendency to lean towards the side of suffering. That may be different for different people, but that’s how it is for me.
For me it is basically a daily assessment of the scales. I have spoken about all of this with my wife of course. I told her very clearly that as soon as I contract a disease which involves significant suffering I am outa here. Same goes if the natural decay of the body (starting to get noticeable at my age) reaches a state that I consider unbearable.
Judging from some of the comments I have read here it seems unavoidable to get hateful or at least very judgmental responses. To those I say:
My life is my own matter. Nobody else’s. Nobody asked me if I wanted to pay this place a visit and live here for a few decades. I was thrown into this place without consideration and purpose. It’s not my fault to be here. Of course I consider my wife (no kids). She is the dearest person to me but at the end it is me who has to live my life. And if I consider it unlivable I will end it. I don’t see that as selfish. I’d consider it selfish if somebody asked me to endure my suffering for their sake.
I have my exit bag ready.
19 comments
You make pretty much good points and you do sound like a smart person that has a clear view on what he wants. I also have to mention that i do admire your conviction and the drive you have to make sure your family is aware about your plans (many will have lots of problems even mentioning it).
There was a time when i kind of shared your outcome on life (and in many ways i still do), but i do diverge in the point where you mention family, because to be honest, a remaining family member is the only reason why i’m still alive. I’m not saying this to change your mind, just to let you know that there is more people that do share a similar point of view to yours. I wish you the best, no matter what you end up doing.
To be loved even by one person on earth is enough to live, I agree with you.
All that the human beings need is love.
I understand what you are saying and don’t take it as you wanting to change my mind. My wife is the one reason I am still around. But that is not enough. Not for me.
My very first relationship was the best I had. We were very much in love and had great sex and yet I found myself lying in bed after a fantastic occasion of celebrating our intimacy thinking: “Is that all there is? Is this all this place has to offer? There must be more!”
And when I married my current wife we had a long conversation about this very point. We both agreed that it puts an unfulfillable burden on a relationship to expect that we’d make each other happy. It just doesn’t work that way. Not for me and not for my wife.
In that context we also discussed my stance on suicide. She doesn’t agree with me but she knows how I feel about it and what to expect.
@FrenchyGirl: That’s actually not what i said, but i do agree that a big part of being alive is related to love (either directed to others, or to yourself). I think i’ve only felt “awake” or “alive” when love has been in my life, so you might not be too far off.
@ThePhilosopher: What you wrote was kinda bittersweet to read. The part about your first relationship… i could have wrote that myself (the “is that all there is?” part) since i do remember being in that exact same situation that you describe, and getting someone that understands that is not an easy task (my last relationship suffered greatly because of that).
It’s not that you don’t love people enough, it’s just that you separate your mutual love from that thing that is constantly telling you “life can’t just be this”. When you try to explain it people always think that it should be enough by having them in your life, but they rarely get that it has nothing to do with them, but it’s something within yourself.
Is it just something that is missing? is it that we just, as human being, have different needs? i really don’t know, and i’ve been looking for that answer as well. At some point i realized and accepted that if i had my health (and love would help as well) i could live a regular (maybe even happy life), but that “something” would always linger there. Again, thanks for sharing your story, now i feel a bit less crazy, lol.
I would give everything (even if I have nothing) to be loved by a loving husband. To be important for someone else is one of the meaning of life.
Do you feel your life as empty? If so, I can understand this feeling. I feel it very often.
But if you have money, love, why don’t you set your goals? If life is meaningless for you, you can give your life for other people, it will make your life very meaningful. There are so many sad people on earth, because they have no parents, no love, no friends, etc, if you were lucky from this view, you can give back what you received. Don’t you feel full, and not empty anymore when you help someone? I feel that. I would be rich to make so many things on earth.
I know it’s a personal thought, not everybody shares my view about having a rich life helping other people and doing good things to increase the good on earth, and reduce the darkness of this world.
Excuse me if I hurt you, it’s not my goal, but all this philosophy is absurd. Dying is a matter to be alone, not loved, without job or money, very ill, or that kind of things. To feel without chance of exit. Wanting to die because of abstract ideas is stupid in my opinion (no offense)
Again sorry to be judgemental, but It’s the way I feel, and if you post it is to have people speaks their mind.
If you believe nothing is permanent, pain is not permanent, and ending his life is absurd in a boudhist view, because it means you don’t assume the karma you had to assume, and this karma will increase in your next life.
No offense taken. Many people seem to miss what I call the “philosopher’s gene” and don’t understand the importance even abstract considerations can have one’s life.
Coming to the realization that there is no deeper meaning behind any of the beauty and the shit life throws at us has changed my point of view and my attitude towards life. Life is not something to be cherished for its own good. That may be the common attitude of most societies but most societies regard death as a topic better to be avoided. THAT is what I consider nonsense. Death is the unavoidable consequence of being alive.
Not having chosen this life and not seeing any purpose in it I don’t feel bound to it at all.
You are right that ending one’s life is frowned upon by Buddhists. However, I am not a Buddhist but I do very much agree with some of their philosophical considerations.
If you’re not unhappy, you can set goals to your life. If I were better, my goal would be to make the more good on this planet I could. That’s a very good goal in life. I don’t understand people who have money and who have no goals. If I weren’t poor, I would have so many goals, so many dreams, so many ways to help other people…
What happens to your goals when you die?
Aren’t they all rendered rather meaningless and pointless with your death?
Also, I think you may find that if you had what you desire it would not fundamentally change anything.
Fulfillment of a desire usually only provides a temporary relief from the search for happiness. The search for happiness continues and may focus on other things but it is never fundamentally and finally fulfilled.
Most people search happiness in money and sex. Having a loving partner and a nice home makes happy, or so they think. After all, it’s what everybody does, so it must be working, right? And if it doesn’t work then there must be something wrong with me.
Wrong.
It doesn’t work that way.
Not for me and not for a single person I know.
The search for happiness in the realm of ordinary life is futile.
The good things you made on earth remains after your death. You are nothing, you pass, but the good things you did stay. You put small seeds, and after your death, maybe some seeds can grow and become beautiful plants.
Happiness in sex and money are void, empty, nothing. It’s not happiness, it’s an hobbie, a way to be distracted from life about the real meaning of life. It’s a way to spend time avoiding real questions.
It’s not that everybody has, a lot of us here are100% alone.
The question is: why I feel empty if I have everything?
There are several replies in my opinion.
– it can be physical unbalance (some cases)
– Wounds we had in the past. Some of these wounds are forgotten, but they are still here. It’s the main reason in my opinion, to have people who seems to have “everything” being depressed.
– the lack of goals But you are the only one who can set the goals.
Happiness in not important, the most important is the goal in your life. If you have strong goals, metaphysical goals, altruist goals, all your energy in those goals (and there is so much to do on earth to fight against darkness of this world), you wouldn’t ask yourself if you are happy, when you push a car for instance, because the car has no more fuel and is on a slope, and if you don’t push the car it will hurt the children in the street below, you don’t ask yourself if you are happy, you ask yourself how to be efficient in your goal.
It’s a weird modern question to ask ourselves wether we’re happy/we’re not happy, it’s a selfish question of westerners like us.
Happiness doesn’t exist, only action exist.
I’m considering (planning) on taking my own life based on both my philosophical viewpoints and mental status. Philosophically, I’m an atheist who knows that everyone’s going to die. No matter how good or bad your life is, we will all end up in the same place. I believe in self ownership and the right to self determination. Since we are all gonna die, I think it should be up to the individual to choose weather or not they want to go by there own hands peacefully, or wait and see what painful death awaits them in the future. I don’t think life has meaning since we are all going to lose it anyway. We are born to fight a war we will eventually loose. Our minds trick us into believing that life, childbirth, etc is great despite our intellectual ability to know what life has to offer. That’s animal instinct talking, not rationality.
One of the reasons I think religion is so pevalent in the world today, is because of our mortality. People can’t face the finality of death.
No offense taken. Many people seem to miss what I call the “philosopher’s gene” and don’t understand the importance even abstract considerations can have one’s life.
Coming to the realization that there is no deeper meaning behind any of the beauty and the shit life throws at us has changed my point of view and my attitude towards life. Life is not something to be cherished for its own good. That may be the common attitude of most societies but most societies regard death as a topic better to be avoided. THAT is what I consider nonsense. Death is the unavoidable consequence of being alive.
Not having chosen this life and not seeing any purpose in it I don’t feel bound to it at all.
You are right that ending one’s life is frowned upon by Buddhists. However, I am not a Buddhist but I do very much agree with some of their philosophical considerations.
Sorry, hit the wrong reply link and it seems I cannot edit a comment.
I agree with virtually all your points, wndozh8er.
Especially with your point about self ownership and the right to determine my own fate.
To make suicide illegal as it is in some countries is the epitome of madness and avoidance of death. It is simply absurd!
Thank you man! I think it’s barbaric to force someone to live against there will and refuse them a peaceful way out
I completely understand about what you are talking about. I have the philosopher genes as well, but it did strike me deeper in an early age, I’ve reached to the point of not only to embrace nothingness, but to conclude that life is nothing more driven by your selfish genes imposed by your biological body.
You are basically a slave of your body, the little portion that makes your mind to be aware of your surroundings, considering that you can only perceive the world and others as a human, it restricts you to the senses of it.
The moment you taste a nice soup or the moment you see a beautiful person, you don’t choose it, your ancient brain is wired to perceive what is good and bad without you even realising. Your body is solely a mean to reproduce and keep the immortality of your being, which would mean, your genes.
Love is to acquire absolute goodness, to keep what you perceive as good to yourself, therefore love is turned to immortality, hence reproduction and have children and look after them because they are the immortality of your existence once you wither and fall, love is just an artificial feeling to spread your immortality, the love you felt towards the universe is one of the most rare sort of loves that a human can feel, I know it because I felt the same, the drive and curiosity about something that doesn’t have nothing to do with your biological needs is the most supreme artificial love but yet, a very rare sort of love, only few people can have it. It’s good, this sort of love doesn’t depend of other people or other beings, it solely depends of your counsciousness.
I would say that you are quite new to it, you didn’t had seen everything. Within time you will reach to it, maybe you wont, but it’s deeper than you think. People don’t think about themselves until a certain age, I’ve started to think about things since I was young, it first started with economic and politics, but later I started to reach topics about human nature.
Evolutionary psychology, philosophy, sociology, the role of genders, the natural cycle of life and the biological purpose of every living being on earth. I’ve seen and felt most of it, I’ve reached to a conclusion that darwinism and nihilism is the ultimate truth, there is no deny of it, everything else is artificialy build, but if you can encounter other living beings in the same artificial state as you, then you have enjoy life.
We are like any other animals, we perceive the world as animals, we see beauty as animals, everything is deeply wired in your brain already, culture can push to a certain point but you will always be guided by your ID, while the SuperEgo is what is supposed to be what culture and values can push upon you.
My ID is really low driven, I’ve reached to the conclusion that life is evil itself, everyone is driven by their libido, society is built mostly by people’s libido, you mentioned it before, people acquire money because money is just a mean to have a guarantee to have people around you.
Money isn’t the source of problems in the world, communists thought that inequality of resources was the source of the problems in the world, therefore the reached to the conclusion that genders was the problem of inequality, but it’s beyond that, the source of evil are people themselves, since you value people accordingly to their biological/sexual value.
The moment you cross a young lady through the streets you perceive her as more valuable than a 60 years old woman crossing the street. You will discriminate everyone based in your ID and SuperEgo, that is how it works, for most people, the ID is the main drive for these conclusions, since there are different races on earth, there will be less valuable races than others, some genders of some races are worse that others and so on.
We perceve and value people accordingly to their biological value, most of the times, and valuating yourself as well, is it evil? Well, good and evil is subjective, you will be evil to those people you rejected and people who rejected you will be evil to you, after all, we live in a darwinistic world isn’t? People will be selected and yes, there will be people better than others “naturaly” speaking, people are born prettier than others, people are born more inteligent than others, that’s why a communist state would never work, because the only divider is sex, sex is the first divider and the root of evil in earth, it’s all about your libido and it’s the source of “evil”.
Disgusting isn’t? A logical being would be necessary to not be an animal, global warming? Environment? The evil is far beyond these concepts, these issues can be solved with in the economic field like the austrian/chicago school to assure private property and manage of resources between int people, but I don’t want to reach to that now.
I thought that the world problem could be solved by making people more wealthy, but it isn’t about that, people only acquire wealth to assure to have people around, to increase your social value and have more “mates” and opportunities. Discrimination is both bad but necessary, you need to pick the most suitable partner to have the best children possible to keep wandering on earth.
I think you are affortunated, but you are 51 years old already, so don’t worry, you deluded yourself your entire life and you was able to feel the artificial emotions that life can offer to you, your biological existence was satisfied, then now you can think deeper and even if you fall into desperation, you had lived in bliss this entire time. But what about me? Well to consider that I am evil and people are evil, then I don’t see a reason to participate in society but I cannot live without society.
I am 22 years old and a medicine student, sooner or later I will just shun my existence, my ID isn’t sufficient to delude me and let me be driven by it, also, I lost the most precious sort of love, the love you felt towards science, I lost it because I faced the truth, you will probably lose the love for science as well, you probably already did lost it due to nihilism.
But if nothing has a meaning and once you die you will simply cease to exist, then why to bother? Nihilism can make you enjoy the artificial emotions of your life even more, you can even push yourself to committ things that you would never do before, because well it doesn’t matter, nothing has a meaning anyway, once you die is just it, it will be like before you have been born, it will be just nothing and your counsciousness will be ceased forever.
My e-mail is gbellogb12 @ gmai . com and I would be gladly to talk to you.
I made some typos, because I am almost asleep here, forgive me.
@Lupus:
I am sorry but I don’t know how the last two comments were enabled here.
I saw your 3 comments in my queue but I am positive I only enabled the first because I assumed you wouldn’t want your email published here.
Maybe the other two got enabled automatically after a while? I am very new here and don’t know the details yet.