Decisions

This job did its job. It took me some to understand what has fallen through. I was freaking out initially because such changes always seem terrifying at first. I recalled a post of mine where I wrote that I can’t follow my way because I have to bear the burden of sustaining my body/ I feel obligation towards my parents/ I hate society and can’t help influence of people while interacting with them. It now seems that all these things were direct or indirect products of my not having a job. I am saying that because these things are vanished now, I no longer feel them. So today that I introspected for hours I found that these things that were the clear and absolute hurdles in my path at that time are no longer there and I can carry my way forth. That introspection requires a separate para of its own. (I am saying all this for/to myself and nobody should waste his/her time reading this hypocritical bs. I am nothing but a liar, only my lies are true to me, and even when they are lies to me they are true to me.)

It was a logical deduction. I first analysed my distress, then began the series of reflections and reflection upon reflections. My previous posts on this site helped a lot because I could reimagine my earlier state of mind, which helped in many cases. Hopelessness of my state. Why i am even now distressed. How it’s different from previous suffering. Why I can’t run away now. What can be done. Will it be truth. Do I want truth. Is it right to want truth. What else can i want if not truth. My lack of energy and how truthseeking will be nothing but excuse for such low energy. Lack of purpose for lack of energy. It’s all messed up now but Carl Sagan, Nietzsche and ‘The Dude’ made entries somewhere inbetween. I can’t recall much anymore but what I know is that it was looking like the most logical conclusion and the only plausible thing to do at that time. And so I went ahead with it. You see it only required trust. I was already well versed in this ‘present moment’ thing and it only required a conclusive Yes from mind. So when my mind reached to conclusion that this is the only logical and plausible thing to do, all barriers got lifted. Neither outside world was stopping me now nor my mind.

“Walking in zen, sitting in zen.” “Hungry, I eat. Sleepy, I sleep.”

Such short sentences/phrases help you in such moments in recalling the whole idea.

Yeah  I have decided. My life doesn’t carry much meaning anyway. I am not afraid of suffering. I can suffer, but there should be a point in suffering. Otherwise I will not let life to be my dictator. If life means suffering, if life means friction and resistance alone forever and ever without any point, then I refuse to live by its conditions. Then I will choose Buddha over Nietzsche. Nietzsche was pro-life while Buddha was anti-life. Then I go anti-life, which, paradoxically, actually is pro-life, but, of course, from backdoors. (I think Buddha and Nietzsche would agree in their ways, even if they are absolute opposites in their theories and destination.)

So I went anti-life, and ended up realizing it was pro-life. Life exists only in present moment. Before and after this are only dead things. And they make life dead. They give birth to a fake life called ego and it is just as dead as death. It derives whatever living energy it requires for survival from present moment and quickly dissipates it. It’s a petverted form of life, and gives birth to all kind of perversions. It’s dead. I would rather cry like a child than suffer like an adult.

So I went ahead with it. Nothing was stopping me this time. Even in front of others I could do it. Yet most of the time I chose to be lazy and dead. There was a heavy lazy invisible pull in it. Maybe I couldn’t endure so much life in so little time. It’s active, sharp, dynamic, while I’m used to death and laziness.