It was supposed to be my last week alive, I won’t say that I was Excited about it. I didn’t want to die, but when I stopped and thought about it, Suicide was really my best option. Of course I still had, and still do, have this pathetic Hope that I can Live a Life full of Happiness, Fulfillment, and Love. I Digress. So Here I am getting ready for My Final Week on earth. I had been put on Suicide watch, I was considered a High Risk Individual. My mistake for talking to a female online, fucking ***** tricked me, and called the cops on me. Everyone said that she did it because she cared, in my opinion, she didn’t help with anything except for making it harder for me to kill myself, and of course she demonstrated that I can not trust anyone. Trusting people is a major issue of mine.
That ultimately sent me to the ER where I had to meet with a mental health specialist, I was livid. I had just eaten a bunch of Junk Food, and I didn’t have the chance to rid myself of it before I was escorted away from the comfort of my room. So here I am being psychoanalyzed by this “Professional”, and I have a full gut. I talked my way out of it, and avoided being committed to Therapy in order to help treat my depression.
Went home the next day, and started planning my demise. I was originally going to purchase a Hand Gun and place a shot into my temple, hopefully destroying my brain stem, I was hesitant that I wouldn’t die so I decided that a 40 cal was my best bet. I had been into the shop before, and was given the information on how to purchase my first hand gun, unfortunately the guy gave me the wrong information.. The correct information was better off though, I had to postpone but had intent to go back and make my purchase. Of course I ended up back at home, looking up suicide videos by gun shot to the head, it started to not seem like such a great idea, it seemed like a lot of people survived, and were face fucked by the attempt so I ultimately decided against shooting myself in the head.
I felt most fortunate to learn about something called an Exit Bag though. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, so I thought to myself, I will prepare my exit bag and back it up with a noose so as soon as I black out, not only will I be deprived of oxygen, but I will also have the noose to strangle me to death, hopefully by blocking flow in my major arteries.
It was my final weekend, I spent friday and saturday shopping and preparing my exit bag. I had all of my belongings ready to be shipped to the appropriate individuals, I maxed out my credit cards, cried, thought about it, and then continued preparing. Sunday came around, time to die, but first I had to send a message. I had been debating whether or not I wanted to go quietly or leave some dramatic gesture behind, I ended up in the middle. The gesture was dramatic enough to scar whoever found me for the rest of their life but it was also simple in its design.
So here was the set up, everything I wanted shipped I gave to a friend. That individual was going to send it after I was found died. Can’t send it off and not be dead. How absurd. I had hung my noose in my closet, I had to sit on my knees for it to work. I took my Helium, attached tubing which ran through a pillow case with a heavy duty trash bag liner on the inside. My favorite bit was what I did to my room though.
I had put red film/ red duct tape over all of the lights so they had an eerie red glow. I had something like 60 balloons all inflated on the ground, with about 48 of them being red. I had a separate grouping of red balloons with black string hanging down from the ceiling with the phrase “help me” written on 2 sides.In the far corner I had prepared a manikin with a sheet over it to make it appear that it was me sitting in the corner. Hidden inside I had my cell phone with an alarm set to go off every 5 minutes with an eerie ringtone that said “Help me” in a super creepy voice. Of course I had tip toe through the tulips on repeat on the speakers as well. There was an open door way that leads from my bathroom area into the actual sleeping area, I covered it with a tarp and cut it so someone could push their way through and into my sleeping area.
My closet was located in the bathroom area (It was really just a sink, the toilet area had a seperate room). I several envelopes around the bathroom area. “Help me I can’t breathe” “Why won’t anyone help me” stuff like that. I left my id taped to the one on the tarp which read “Come find me”. The idea was that someone would be freaked out already just being in my room and seeing all of the red, then they would enter the next room and see what they thought was me in the corner with a sheet over me. The help me alarm tone would go off and make whoever found me reconsider coming for me alone, they would read another envelope which read “I’m watching you” before reaching the manikin. On the table in front of the manikin was an envelope which read” Look inside”. The individual would have seen that the manikin was a manikin and not me, then opened the envelope. Inside was my key card with red duct tape on it which, in sharpie, I wrote “The Closet”.
In a panic the individual would run over to my closet, open it up, only to find my dead body hanging from the metal bar inside of it.
Here is what ended up happening.
I set everything up, had my last meal of Honey buns, cried like a *****, thought a bunch of crazy thoughts, because I am apparently mentally ill, and then I went inside of the closet to kill myself. Step one, place Noose over head, and tighten. Check. Step 2, place bag over head, and tighten with zip tie, check. Step 3, turn on Helium. Step 4, Die. Only problem was I didn’t die, I turned on the damn Helium and nothing happened. In that moment I had a cocktail of emotions, mostly anger, and confusion. Was I seriously sold an empty can of Helium?
Now it was worst case scenario. I was going to die of asphyxiation. I was supposed to inhale some Helium and black out then die, not sit there and die of asphyxiation while awake for who knows how long. So I panicked because I couldn’t breathe, and I was feeling everything. I went to remove the bag from my head and get some air, that’s when I realized the zip tie was on, and the noose was interlaced with the plastic tubing that went from the helium canister to the exit bag.
So I was clawing away at my own face for a good minute before I managed to acquire some oxygen. Let me tell you, I felt like a huge dumb ass, but it wasn’t funny. It sounds hilarious, but when all I wished for was one more breathe of air and I couldn’t get it, it was a pathetic, and horrifying experience for me. Then I had to crawl out of the closet, find scissors, release myself, make a new exit bag, and figure out what the fuck was wrong with the Helium tank.
Turns out you have to twist the knob 4 times, then depress the black add on for the release of Helium. So two more times I tried to off myself. Both times I was fully set, I adjusted my position for comfort, but once I released the helium, I did not black out, my head just got really fuzzy, but I was fully aware, not blacking out. So it gave me enough time to regret the whole idea, I tore off the bag, and cried. I couldn’t even kill myself.
The part that bugged me the most was that somewhere out there was a 10 year old girl who hung herself, raw as fuck, probably with a damn shoelace, somewhere was a kid in a jr high school who blew his brains out with a 40 cal, and here I was, a fully grown man, too ***** made to do anything right. Fuck me.
I had thrown most everything I owned away, trash man already took it all away, and most everything else I gave away. I sat there in my room crying, eating ben and jerrys strawberry cheesecake. Not dead. Very much alive, and beyond depressed, but obviously my conviction was not all there.
Worst part was I maxed out my fucking credit cards, and I had to clean my room before someone found it all fucked and crazy.
So here is how to not kill yourself.
If you are going to use an exit bag, do not buy Balloon Time Helium. It is 80% Helium, 20% Oxygen, I knew that when I bought it, thought it would get the job done, it didn’t.
Do not give all of your belongings away/ throw them away, just leave them, that way if you survive you aren’t shit out of luck.
Do not max out your credit cards.
After my ordeal, I thought about not being committed to killing myself when I had an epiphany. I am going to kill myself, but I am a person who has to slowly progress to things. Like cutting. First time I ever picked up a knife to cut myself I kind of cried at the knife and ended up murdering my couch. Second time I went to cut my wrists I ended up scraping them really badly with a butter knife. Then the 3rd time I invested in a nice set of razors and began cutting, I have yet to graduate to the pro level of cutters but I was proud of myself. My wrists were bleeding and I have noticeable scarring today. The same will happen with my suicide. I thought about it a lot, then I attempted to kill myself, next time I will actually follow through. I have no illusions that my life is destined to end by my own hands. I did some research on my condition, turns out I have avoidance personality disorder, depression is a side effect. It is not treatable.
Only problem now is getting my head wrapped around dying Happy and not depressed.
8 comments
What was the suicide prevention association, to avoid me to call them.
I don’t understand all the dramatic stuff, it looks like a psycho stuff.
I remember reading someone that had the cops called by a girl a while a go, and i did wonder how that was going to end eventually (maybe it was you?). As for the failed attempt, i’ve been there. Not with balloons, mannekins, and a whole silent hill video game set up for the people who found me, but yeah, been there, given things away, maxed out cards (when i had them), you name it. When you do realize of the dumb little mistakes you made it’s even more heartbreaking.
You are right about progressing little by little tho, because as an adult (depends on the person too) it’s a bit more hard to just accept things and act completely on instinct, kids usually are more of that mentality, so it’s no wonder those cases you mentioned were able to just pull it off.
That said… i really hope you do end up getting whatever it is that you want (either dying or something that keeps you alive). This might sound a little morbid on my end but… kudos for creating such an elaborate scenario (even if you would have really fucked with someone’s mind). Also thanks for sharing this, really enjoyed reading it.
Well don’t know what to write… I have also sudden l seen those pics of ppl who survived shotgun/gun shot in face but that’s very rare and happen when instead of shooting brain (skull) you make shot at your face or chin. In fact this method is most lethal (highest success rate)
Cool story. It was sad but entertaining.
You put a lot of effort in staging your corpse scene. Who did you think would find your lifeless body? Roomates, cops, family, or did you think your corpse would remain undiscovered for awhile in the closet?
I guess cops, paramedics and other first responders see so many grisly murder scenes that finding a festive, humorous, Halloween B-movie suicide might be a refreshing change of pace for them.
You definitely get points for originality.
I have to say that the whole set up and staging is set to screw up anyone who found you…. not exactly the nicest thing for someone who finds you. It’s on the lines of being sociopathic
After reading ur post, I went offline to sleep only to lie down turning around and eventually started writing from here. it’s 3:30 am, I m an indian. I m very sad thinking of u , me and other people who r in such helpless conditions. These days I m trying to for therapies.. !! now, for u if u need any help within my power, whatever is possible for me I can do it for u! Come india, immerse urself in yoga, explore some opportunities, I hope u get some meaning to it life!! If something clicks do tell/ ask for any help, I am waiting for it well being!!
you think you will die by your own hands. You shot down the gun idea, no pun intended, and this latest one didn’t work. You had it all figured out, so much set up. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. Maybe it’s supposed to be simple. Don’t overthink it. If this is really what you want then you will be happy the day that you die. You will have everything figured out and be able to leave this world in peace.
That is one funny story. Boy, you certainly have a flair for the dramatic. Your attention to details was impressive, but you focused on the wrong details. I would say you overthought it, just a tad.
I’ve been locked in a psych ward for a period of ten days for my most recent failed suicide attempt. I thought I had a surefire easy method. I read about teens dying of caffeine overdoses. They bought pure caffeine on the internet and took a tablespoon. One kid just dropped dead of a heart attack about a half hour later. Onother report stated a kid threw up blood then dropped dead. So I bought the stuff and put a tablespoon and a half in little capsules, went to a 50ft cliff near where I live, took the capsules , sat on the cliff. Waited. I tried jumping before, couldn’t summon up the nerve.tried a second time after drinking a pint of bourbon, STILL couldn’t sum up the nerve. Decided I’d try climbing down, was sure I’d fall. Didn’t fall.Then climbed up the other side , about 60 feet- this is a narrow granite canyon. Didn’t fall, climbed back down again then climbed up the side that I started from. Didn’t fall. People have died trying to rock climb this place sober and I scampered down one side, up the other side, then back down, then back up, drunk.
So, I thought the caffeine powder, a dose equal to over a hundred cups of coffee, would make me dizzy and drop into a coma or die and falling would be plan B , if I only went into a coma.
Well, I waited, waited, waited, about 45 minutes later I threw up. About 20 minutes after that I threw up again. This continued for about an hour and a half and I realized I wasn’t going to die. I drove back home throwing up out the window or in the care periodically. Got home went to bed and kept throwing up every half hour. Soon my throw up was filled with a coffee ground looking stuff. I assumed it was blood that my stomach acid cooked. For twenty hours this went on. I got very dehydrated, my throat and stomach were raw and painful, and then severe cramping set in. Throwing up would make all my abs and side muscles cramp really hard. I tried to drink water but would just throw it up again. I have no idea where all the liquid I threw up came from although by the end I was dry heaving.
I decided to call a help line and ended up in a psych ward. I’ve decided I will only attempt again if I choose a method with a success rate of 80% or more. This was my fourth attempt using pills. I don’t consider standing at the edge of a cliff an attempt because I never actually jumped. An attempt when I was 17 involving a whole bottle of aspirin did nothing but make me sick and give me ringing in the ears that I’ve had ever since. A month later I tried sleeping pills. About 15 years ago I took a whole bottle of ephedra pills, no heart attack nor throwing up, might have caused some brain damage but nothing obvious aside from a slight case of aphasia.it did make the ringing in my ears louder though.
The only attempt where I ever let anyone know I attempted was the caffeine powder attempt. I never want to go back to a psych ward, that’s for sure. Pills have a low success rate, so never going to use that method again.