Introspection Alone

I’m going to try to not make this as long as it was going to be before.

To summarize my problem: I have spent every day of my life almost all the time thinking about why I do what I do and how I feel about any given thing.  Imagining every experience I can and trying to gain and understanding of how everyone else feels about anything.  All I have ever wanted in life, as many people do, was someone who saw value in me.

The problem is because I have such an insanely high level of understanding for other people, they can’t trick me at all.  I may not know perfectly, but I can imagine a hundred different reasons going way past their own self awareness of why they might do any given action that looks like love and to them even feels like love.  I understand those feelings of seeing someone in pain and trying to love them, or them being your family.  But I know what it takes to really, from your heart, love another person, and it’s not some simple choice.  Any love made that easily is no different than a paper anvil: you can’t make anything worthwhile with it and it will be blown away with the wind.

Everyone around me is denying their real feelings, “forgetting” and prettending their choices are just random, when I know much better.

Take a friend who says “woops, I forgot about the promise I was going to play games with you in an hour” (obviously they wouldn’t say it that specifically).  The obvious truth, 99% of the time, is that you or the game aside, they didn’t want to do it that much.  They might not be deeply opposed to it, but to some degree there was something else they’d rather think about.  Honestly that is fine, completely fine.  I’m super ok with that, but FUCKING HELL don’t lie to me.  If you don’t know what you really want, if you are acting on random whims based on social pressure, then you aren’t a real person and NONE of your emotions count to me.  I want you to actually ask yourself how you feel about things and then tell me or even just show me with your actions more clearly.  I can BE anyone, I can DO anything, I don’t HAVE a personality at all.  I am completely maluable and I am completely happy to be so, if you’re a real person and I can feed off the happyness I bring you.  But if you aren’t real, how can I make you really happy?

Everyone I have ever met in my life is just a complete lie/shell.  They don’t know what they really want and they won’t suffer the pain it takes to get there.  When something hurts, you cry damnit, but you also try to find value.  When someone does something that pisses you off, you get fucking mad, but you also try to understand.

This being the case, surrounded by people who don’t count to me, who’s only true feelings are pain, I myself am covered in their pains and their views of me.  My brain has a complete imbalance and has no real pain tolerance.  I can’t handle an ounce of stress without breaking down and this is like half of my story.  The other half is impossible to give it’s proper credit to, but had to do with vivid dreams on an almost absolute scale where it took me almost until I was 20 to find a way to tell them apart from reality.  Memories: check.  Absolute World Rules: check.  Suspension of disbelief: check.  Then let’s add lots of horrific traumatizing experiences that I could never just shelve as “oh it was only a dream”.  Parents commit suicide right infront of you only to realize partway in how scary poising yourself is.  Being chased through a slaughter factory by a psychopath with bodies everywhere.  Have to kill people more than once in various dreams to save own life or because your personality is different.  Rape/be raped just because you have different self control levels disabled or are being chased by a monster of a person.

It never ends.  But this includes beautiful dreams too, but those end up causing just as much if not more pain when my WIFE ceases to have ever existed because I’m actually some fucking kid going to middle school today for some retarded bullies to attempt to enter my stall but then when they cant they pee on me from over head.

I’m 22 now, I’ve failed 3 jobs, my parents are letting me work with them but I already know I will fail them because I CANNOT study what I need to.  My brain won’t let me because the moment I try I start falling apart all over again.

Good news: I am incapable of having panic attacks or emotions anymore because my ~200th panic attack was so severe I felt where my emotions were coming from and put a psychological plug in it.  But this only means I can’t “taste”, there is still “sweet”,”sour”,”salty”.

I can experience pleasure, and I can still act exactly like what anyone wants me to.  My perfect facade never fails even if I look like garbage because I can’t stop scratching my skin apart for minor stress relief.

My dad told me tomorrow we are having another “talk” which I already know is going to be him telling me how I need to do my job and move forward in my life (he believes in depression, but not mine.  He only acknowledges it because I threatened to kill myself once and went to a psych ward).  I’ll experience insane amounts of pain all over my body like fire, and ice shards going through my heart as I listen to his complete bullshit and sit there taking it without so much as a facial twitch because I need to live at their home as I have no where else to go.  As I pleed forgiveness full well knowing there is no hope of me doing what they ask for.

Worst of it all for me is that I know it’s impossible for me to commit suicide unless something actually tragic happens that gives me an excuse.  Too many perspectives I have absorbed won’t accept the choice and allow me to do it until I have an excuse I understand.  Like if I get kicked out of the house again.  Until that point I can’t stop pretending and lying and being a complete sack of shit just because I need to feel love and joy that I can only feel from people who my mind accepts as real.

I wish someone would just take me and use my gift for empathy to help design the best video game or whatever the fuck they want ever.  Hell, I could figure out and say anything they want me to say, I could do anything and everything to help them experience their greatest joys…they just have to be capable of feeling it.  But no, I am surrounded by people who’s cap stops at the joy I feel when I eat Wendys after a camping trip.  I’m stuck watching animes to fake out my mind into believing there is someone experiencing true joy or love or w.e.

This emptyness is destroying me and obliterating my meaning in life.

I need to find my own happyness.  No one will ever believe in me, my talents, and my experience.  But what can I do when I did all of this just because I wanted to see someone else happy?  Because I just can’t be happy alone?  I have no value alone.  Zero self drive.  Just a tree falling in a forest with no one around to hear it.  Knowing I won’t do anything for the people around me, that without them knowing it, the greatest value I would have to them, to their deeper selves, is my death…I wish I wasn’t such a coward.  They don’t realise how much they want me dead.  How meaningless those few days and occasional memories of tears of my death are.  I’ve watched my family die infront of me a hundred times over, woke up crying the rest of the day even with them right there.  When someone as meaningless and valueless and life leeching as me dies, it’s not gonna take that long to get over it.  They’ll only get sad because they know they should, it’s not like I created that many special memories even with my talents.

I’ve made this post way too long, I don’t even know if this kind of rant is allowed.  Forgive me and I hope this post means something to someone.  It made me feel better for now, until my talk with Dad tomorrow.