10 months ago my girlfriend of 9 years left me. We kept in contact the entire time. There was hope. Sometimes a lot of it… Sometimes little… But the hope to get back together was always there. As of yesterday though, that hope is gone. She’s far away… with someone else… and wont be coming back now. She was my first and i was hers… I was 25 and she was 18. Aside from some problems here and there, i thought it would last forever.
I was never interested in a relationship until i met her. Never looked for one. Never slept around. I had a good group of friends and was happy with how things were. But then i met her and everything changed. We were both happy for so long… but then all of a sudden SHE wasn’t and “poof” she was gone.
Now, it’s just me… I have no family that i talk to anymore(never really had much of a one anyway). They all have substance abuse issues… All i had was my mom but i stopped talking to her a couple of months after everything happened. I realized she was toxic and wasn’t helping. As far back as i can remember, she was always an alcoholic. So, i let her go. Something i think i should have done a long time ago.
I have no friends either… The friends i had before all went their separate ways a year or so before i met her. So for the 9 years we were together it was just us. Well, she had friends and family. Her family never liked me much because i was white(she was hispanic). And her friends were all her age and most got into the drinking and partying thing. Something that we didn’t associate with. Neither one of us drank much, did drugs or were into partying. We weren’t anti-social mind you… We went out and experienced lots of things during our relationship.
All i have left now really… are co-workers and a couple of roommates in the house where i’m renting a room. They all just want me to go out and have fun… and by fun i mean getting fucked up on booze and drugs. They encourage me to just hook up with random women. They think fucking every woman i can since i’m single will help me somehow. Same with getting drunk and other stupid shit.
I won’t do that though. I’m almost 35 now. I’ve only slept with one girl(her). I’ve never gotten drunk. And the closest thing to doing drugs i’ve ever done is taking 20 or so Vicodin not long after i found out she was leaving. She needed them for a medical issue she had and they were sitting on a desk… That was the only time i’ve ever yelled at her. When i saw the pills i wanted to take them all… so i screamed at her to get out of the room and then took them.
All i do now aside from when i’m at work is sit in a room. That wasn’t so bad while the hope of her coming back was still there. But now, with that gone it’s pretty much all my life will ever be. We were going to finally start our own family… but now that can’t happen. Whenever my life ends… I’ll have lived it without knowing what its like to have a nice family… or kids…
I can’t be with anyone else… It wouldn’t be fair to them. I couldn’t fully love another because she’ll always be a part of me. I won’t just use someone. Which is all it would wind up being.
I want to disappear. Quit my job without even telling anyone. Hop on a bus or a train with just a bag. Not caring where i’ll wind up. Or if i’d even survive.
Honestly, i don’t even want to survive anymore. I have to use a big knife at work and was tempted to stab myself with it. I don’t drive so i have to walk back from work at night and i always hope to find a gun laying on the sidewalk… Or i’ll see a truck drive by and i’ll want to jump in front of it. I don’t think i’d go out of my way to do something bad to myself… but if the opportunity presents itself, i might just take it.
I’m almost 35 and until i die this is all my life will ever be now. Just me. Alone. And it’s not fucking fair… I’ve done the best i can. I use to think of myself as a good person. But now… now i’m worthless.
6 comments
I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. All I can say is that you’re onto something about just leaving it all behind and venturing into something new? Of course, it would be remiss of me to not encourage you to think things through just a little bit before you do (or do not) embark on that adventure.
I don’t know how I’d feel in your situation… Losing someone that spent nine years of your life with you, who was your everything for so long. I see that she was not just a girlfriend, but also your best friend and family to you; I’m very sorry. I read your post a few hours ago and I had no idea what to say to comfort you, but I wanted to leave a comment to show you that you’re not totally alone in this world. Honestly, I hope you don’t give up — you seem to be a good person, which isn’t that common anymore. I hope that eventually you can find strength and hope to survive and move forward with your life. It’ll take time, maybe a long time, but you will heal… You don’t have to change because your friends want that; keep being yourself and beliefs. Love and light.
When my boyfriend left me after three years I was a mess. I couldn’t imagine 9 years. 🙁 I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s an awful feeling. You basically live through your death, watching everything you’ve known to be your life just leave you. I am here if you need anyone..
I’m a bit younger but I can relate to your situation. It’s a crappy place to be. I’m sorry. Why did you guys break up?
I can totally relate. Sound very much like what I’m going through. I’m 42 and female. Last year I really thought I’d found my soulmate. We fell in love so quickly, I moved into his place, we planned our future together, had concrete plans for a baby etc. It was a wonderful relationship, we never argued. And then out of the blue, he left me. He just sent me an SMS and it was over. He never explained why. For about 9 months afterwards it was up and down. One day he would say, he still loved me and he promised to try to make things work again, the next day he said he wanted his freedom or some other crap. We even went on a vacation together, whcih eh tricked me into paying, and on the last day he told me he would leave me. Finally, I tried to commit suicide. I took poison. It worked quite well, but I panicked in the last few minutes and told my parents and they called the ambulance. I survived without permanent damage. I’Ve been in therapy and on meds ever since, but it isn’t helping. I know he cheated on my at least once. He lied to me a lot. He tricked me into paying a lot of things. He owes me a lot of money. He is gone forever, I know. He never loved me, I know. But I loved him. I accepted all his faults. I didn’t care that he didn’t have any money. I loved him as much as I possibly can. But he is gone. I know I will never feel the same way toward anyone. I have tried dating other guys, but all I can think of is him.
Like you, I will always be alone. Because of my depression, I’ve lost all my so-called friends. The only family I have are my parents. They have never been there for me. They just expect me to take care of them. But still I love them very much. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer a week ago. It’s in the final stage, so he will not get well. We don’t know how much time he has left. He will die with a lot of pain. I want to be there for him, but I cannot watch him die.
A few days ago I had a fertility test done. I wanted to have a baby on my own, using a sperm bank. I’m infertile. I’ve dreamt of having a baby since I can remember. So now I need to say goodbye to that dream as well.
You still have a chance. Try to find a girlfriend. Maybe you can grow to love her. Or at least you’ll have fun together. You sound like a really good and decent guy, so she could do a lot worse. 50% of a good guy, is still more than most of us get. Screw fairness, be a little egoistic. Maybe you can see a therapist to help you.
I get that. That urge to die, to harm yourself. The feeling of worthlessness. But the stuff you wrote, I only see that in books. The way you speak about her even though she hurt you. Nobody I know is that kind. I’m not opposed to suicide because when it gets too much I believe we can choose to end it, but it would suck if you’d harm or kill yourself based on a false. I don’t even know you and I already think you’re a good person. You have to be in order to love someone the way you love her.