Late night lonlieness

This is going to be my first post. I have read some posts from other people about various different things hoping it might lift my spirits up to know that I’m not the only person who feels like I do. But it doesnt. I feel better commenting back to people with positiviy, but I personally still fucking hate everything about myself and my life. I’m going no where fast. I feel like I’m just existing in this world. I’m not living. I would love to live. However, I don’t see that happening. It’s been too long feeLing like I do. Too many nights and days spent crying, confused, lost…I can’t focus on anything and haven’t been able to for a long time. My head is always foggy and even when I try to force myself to be happy. You know, do things I used to enjoy, it doesn’t work. Nothing works. NOTHING IS WORKING. So what am I supposed to do now? I’ve tried reaching out to people about how I feel in person. Such as my boyfriend…well…not boyfriend anymore. Him and suffer from a lot of the same illnesses and had promised that we would never stop trying to understand one another. Well, I confide in him and then he instead tells me that I’m irresponsible and lazy. For the simple fact that my depression debilitates me. I can’t get out of bed. On top of depression my anxiety and bi polar 2 dont help. I can’t see anything positive. I don’t see the light. At all. I get it, no one wants to hear negative shit all of the time but now I have no one to talk to. My parents- worthless. My siblings- I hardly find it acceptable to put my issues on them when they have families of their own. My friends- they’re non existent. And my boyfriend- he decided to leave because i couldnt fix things fast enough. So, now I’m left here. Alone. Not only alone but also beating myself up over the fact that I can’t change the way my brain works. I have pushed the one person I loved away…though the words he used may have been harsh, I’m no angel either sooo how mad can I really be? It sure as shit looks and seems like I’m just being lazy or that I’m irresponsible because I can’t remember shit anymore with everything that is constantly on my mind.

It goes deeper than the boyfriend, though. I have contemplated suicide on and off since I was 13. Attempted to three times. It obviously didn’t work. However, I haven’t felt as low as I do now eh days. When I was younger I had some how figured out a way to cope with everything. Then I woke up one morning about a year ago and my life feel apart. Piece by piece is was all just falling apart. Crumbling. My emotions changed. I went from a hard ass, confident girl who didn’t take anyone’s shit to a girl who can’t even go into a store without panicking and wanting to leave before I even step foot in the damn place.

What happened to me? I ask myself that every day. When did I let my mental illnesses take over my life? It’s crippling me. I dont know who I am anymore….I don’t think I ever really knew. I keep trying to find reasons to hold on and each day my list gets smaller. I have spent hours upon hours planning and figuring out how I want to kill myself, but I guess I just keep hoping that something will change. Like I’ll wake up and just be happy again. Or at least somewhat content with my life. I’m miserable. As miserable as miserable can be. When does this end? When do I get to be happy? When do I get to look back on my life and be proud of it? Will it ever happen? There are too many questions that no one has the answers to. I’m not sure I can continue on not knowing if I’ll ever be happy. It has become too much to function properly on a day to day basis. I just feel like ending this life is better than feeling the way I do right now for another minute. It’s exhausting to feel this way, have the racing thoughts, anxiety, ect. I can’t do it anymore.