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My sister knows

by Mark_1981

So I met with my counsellor/psychologist today with my sister, the second time my sister went with me. No different than before my counsellor confirmed that our family of origin (the family in which we were raised) is high on the dysfunctional scale, confirming too the cult-like nature of it coupled with isolation and other forms of emotional abuse.

For the first time ever I think my sister realises how close I am to dying. I wanted her to attend partly for her to be able to prepare. My sister and I were close growing up and while it hurts to let her know and hurts her to know, I like to think it gives her a chance for prepare. I have a brother but are very distant. I wish I could let him know as well but we’re just not on a level of communication… it’s not that we hate each other, no…. we just don’t connect. I care about him very much.

My sister tried to understand where I’m coming from.   She too admitted to having suicidal thoughts before, just not recently. I don’t know if she thought of suicide seriously…. then again I wonder if I am serious too? I don’t particularly want to die but I also have to come to terms of my existence, my being, my future lacking, and of course my past. The fact of the matter is that my would-be exit isn’t directly related to my past, no. … it is what my past has done to me: social anxiety, possible avoidant personality disorder, paranoia, depression, and possible autism (it’s possible but it is hard for a diagnosis given my past, impossible even). I’ve tried to make something for myself, ploughing through my mental conditions but exhaustion prevails.  I digress.

I don’t know if I did the right thing, letting my sister know.   She has a lot on her plate. She’s married with two kids. She has demons from our shared history; she has her own monsters.  She just took possession of a house and will be moving this month, etc. She knows that I’m not planning anything right away but it just adds to her plate. I can’t put the proverbial cat back in the bag…. but I think I’ve done the right thing??

 

 

 

 

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5 comments

Trix 9/2/2015 - 7:04 pm

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. Personally I’d prefer to know if someone close to me was suicidal, partly to be prepared in case anything happened and partly so they could come to me if they needed. I think it was a good thing to do. It’s not an easy thing to tell someone, so even if it worries her sometimes it’s a reminder of how close you are. It’s not the same as telling someone when you’re actively suicidal, where they’d feel more responsible and have a lot more to worry about.

Tristeza 9/2/2015 - 8:06 pm

I agree with Trix, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. I’d probably have done the same thing though. Also, I think that I would like to know if my sisters were feeling suicidal. I don’t care about my situation, I would want to help them if possible. I don’t doubt that your sister thinks the same. Plus, she’s going to be partly prepared if anything happens to you so I think you made the right choice.

invisibleC 9/2/2015 - 10:57 pm

i find you very brave to be able to show that side of you to your sister, whom you are actually close with. why are you thinking about suicide in the first place by the way? i am curious. also, has your sister tried to prevent you in any way?

i find you very brave to be able to show that side of you to a close someone. i feel like i would never be able to do that. because i wouldn’t want them to pity me and i wouldn’t want them to feel bad because of me. i guess, it puts on more weight than to keep it to yourself.

Mark_1981 9/3/2015 - 11:56 pm

I don’t want pity… I only shared with my sister in part to allow for preparation more than anything. My sister did try talking with me but for the most part it was about philosophy which I am beyond. Should I carry forward with my thoughts I know that my sister will be affected deeply but I also realise that she has her own separate support matrices.

I have posted on here different things about my past and my present… it’s difficult to explain my reasoning in mere paragraphs.

1bigzero 9/4/2015 - 1:29 am

I think that while it may add to your sisters’ emotional burdens, at the same time it shows respect for them. Survivors have to face the shock of sudden loss, as well as the guilt factor. I say anything you can do to try lessen both of those can only be a good thing ultimately.

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