So I met with my counsellor/psychologist today with my sister, the second time my sister went with me. No different than before my counsellor confirmed that our family of origin (the family in which we were raised) is high on the dysfunctional scale, confirming too the cult-like nature of it coupled with isolation and other forms of emotional abuse.
For the first time ever I think my sister realises how close I am to dying. I wanted her to attend partly for her to be able to prepare. My sister and I were close growing up and while it hurts to let her know and hurts her to know, I like to think it gives her a chance for prepare. I have a brother but are very distant. I wish I could let him know as well but we’re just not on a level of communication… it’s not that we hate each other, no…. we just don’t connect. I care about him very much.
My sister tried to understand where I’m coming from. She too admitted to having suicidal thoughts before, just not recently. I don’t know if she thought of suicide seriously…. then again I wonder if I am serious too? I don’t particularly want to die but I also have to come to terms of my existence, my being, my future lacking, and of course my past. The fact of the matter is that my would-be exit isn’t directly related to my past, no. … it is what my past has done to me: social anxiety, possible avoidant personality disorder, paranoia, depression, and possible autism (it’s possible but it is hard for a diagnosis given my past, impossible even). I’ve tried to make something for myself, ploughing through my mental conditions but exhaustion prevails. I digress.
I don’t know if I did the right thing, letting my sister know. She has a lot on her plate. She’s married with two kids. She has demons from our shared history; she has her own monsters. She just took possession of a house and will be moving this month, etc. She knows that I’m not planning anything right away but it just adds to her plate. I can’t put the proverbial cat back in the bag…. but I think I’ve done the right thing??