I have been passively suicidal all my life. I know, some say there is no way, but I remember wanting to die at 7. I was not abused overly much. My dad a little to harsh with corporal punishment. My mom never said I was stupid, but she always gave me a look or used a tone that said I was stupid. I guess she had no patience. idk. I was always depressed. Borderline personality I was told once, but never stuck with therapy. I have had more jobs and sexual encounters than I can remember. I just can’t stick with anything. Then get all excited about changing my life and pick the wrong people and things. Alcohol and drug abuse since 16. I am 38 now. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter, she is 13, and I still want to die. I have been actively suicidal a few times. Tried once. Took 38 sleeping pills, but I guess I kinda knew someone would find me. I have this day dream where I drive to the ocean and swim out and just keep swimming, but I would never leave my daughter and husband. It would crush them. I have neuropathy and fibromyalgia. Possibly lupus. The last two weeks my chest has been sore, especially when I wake up. I get light headed and kind of nauseous when I stand. Now today, I have tingling and a lightness in my extremities, too, when I stand. Weak feeling. I am on a lot of meds. Maybe side effects. I am fighting to keep from going to ER. This could be my chance…..my chance to die.
There Is No Light
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Some people say life is horrible. Some say letting go of life is the worst. I say being caught between the two is worst if all.
I’m not saying you should go or stay. I just want you to know I understand this bewildering twilight you are suspended in. It’s like being preserved in painful amber. The analogy is apt because you even stop feeling like a person and more like a simple minded insect with a heightened pain response.
How can I help?
I don’t know.
Well that’s two of us! Feel free to flail around here and something may occur to you.
Thanks
Welcome to the club.
“more jobs and sexual encounters than I can remember. I just can’t stick with anything. Then get all excited about changing my life and pick the wrong people and things.”
That’s me in a nutshell as well. How did you manage to stick with one person long enough to get married and have a kid? Love? I’ve never been in love so I’m really curious. What is it about being with your wonderful husband that still doesn’t make life worth living? The physical pain from your illnesses?
My daughter is from my second marriage. I am on my fourth. lol. I am sick now, I can’t be wild and crazy. I do love him. He is patient with me and helps me anyway he can. I think I had true love once, but we tore each other a part. Just to much emotion and passion….and I am crazy. I love my husband, but not as much as my daughter. Honestly I probably just stay alive for her. I would die for her, suffer for her, she is worth anything to me. I would gladly trade my life, my health, my comfort if I could take away any pain or hardship she may have in life. She is the only reason I know true love. I would love her if she hated me. I would love her if she turned into a monster. I love her wholly and completely. I can;t leave her. I can’t purposely cause a tear to fall on her cheek, even though I do, but only because I hope it helps her be a better person; to try and teach her something before I die. As for why I still want to die. I don’t know. I never wanted to live.
My son is 20. I won the lottery on the day I met him. His mom and I were pretty good friends, bad lovers, and not very romantic. It wasn’t a big surprise when she revealed to me she was gay after 10 years of marriage. OK, OK, it was a big surprise… but not a bad one. Shit happens, esp when the heart is involved.
Although my son and I aren’t biologically related, we are both goofy as shit. So much so that ppl claim we look alike, which we don’t. It sucks when they get to an age where they can escape home. If I had my way I’d keep him locked up in the closet like I did in the old days. I’d hug him all the time, too. He was the reason I didn’t commit suicide when my mom killed herself.
I know that feeling of wanting to let go yet at the same time wanting to hang on for your child. It sucks in extra horrible ways on top of the already horrible suckiness of life.
You kept your son locked up in the closet?
what kind of person locks their child up in a closet?
‘It sucks when they get to an age where they can escape home. If I had my way I’d keep him locked up in the closet like I did in the old days. I’d hug him all the time, too. He was the reason I didn’t commit suicide when my mom killed herself.’
If I had my way I’d keep him locked up in the closet like I did in the old days.
quoted
No, silly!
I’m hyperbolic. I do not actually physically lock my son in the closet. I entrap him in a web of guilt and misinformation like normal parents!
lol..i figured it wasn’t literal, but that was what stood out to me when i read that
I have borderline personnality disorder too. I think I can relate to you when you say that you have all you need to be happy, but still wanna die. It’s like a call from deep there. I still think about it everyday. I won’t do it now because I don’t wanna hurt people around me and especially my boyfriend. But I think I understand the call to be dead.
The best advice that I can give you is to find a GOOD therapist. The borderline life is difficult and exhaustive. Only a professional can help you through your doubts, anxiety, and suicide ideas.
And more than that of course. I meant a therapist can help you through all the spheres of your life that can be difficult due to our condition if I may call it that way.