A cosmic f- you to us

I had a great heart to heart talk again with the guy I love last night. It’s never totally serious which is nice. There’s jokes here and there and he does try to be as kind as possible. He says it’s a big cosmic joke, the universe is just fucking with us and saying fuck you both because he just can never feel that way for me or be attracted to me no matter what but I’m the closest person he’s ever had, that we get along the best, and he trusts me more than he’s ever trusted anyone. He started it, I forget what we talking about but it was random and he’s like, “geez we sound like we’re married. No don’t get any ideas.” then he went into the other stuff I just said. He says he wishes it could be different and he wishes he could just plow me and rock my world the way I want and I’m like, oh dear god!! And it’s not fair at all he says he’s been with someone my size and the only thing he liked was she was sexually wild and uhm, excuse me, November baby here, give me a chance! He doesn’t have any idea what goes on in my head and how do I show him what I can do if I don’t get the go ahead to?? But still we had a nice talk all night and if there was ever a moment I might have gotten to sneak in a kiss on his arm, shoulder, or hand I might have been able to do that. (I was giving him a back massage again. I love getting to touch him and appreciate his body.) And every time I think I could get over him, as soon as I see him, just everything in me is helpless in his power. I really feel comfortable around him. We are on a level most friends arent. And I had said that to him too. Lol We know each other’s socials and bank info (because we’ve tried to get a place together and have helped each other out through transfers), I mean we are really close like that and he at least can acknowledge that. It wasn’t bad. And he’s not a bad guy. I love him and can’t help it. I wish so much that we will always be this close and have these times together for the rest of my life.