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A Reason To Stay Alive

by Kakubetsuna

“You need to find a reason to stay alive”

A simple and annoying sentence that people used each time I come to them to explain about how I’m having suicidal thoughts. It’s easier said than done. While I hate it so much because they kept on replaying it like some kind of broken radio, I do realize it’s because they can’t really do anything about it. About me. I tried and be open about my situation to my most trusted friend. We argue a little about how she didn’t reach me and try to help. But in her defense, there’s nothing to help when I can’t even tell her what’s been bothering me. Instead of trying to solve my issues, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, she decide to let me deal with it myself, but in order for me to deal with it…….

“You need to find a reason to stay alive”

She did used that sentence. That same quote but this time, she guide me through it. She told me try and have a small reason first. She told me its good that I go back to my parents. That’s one reason to stay alive. She ask me to go and find things, no matter how small of an achievement it is, go and find it. And I did just that. I start simple. I watch tv series. Weekly tv series. The Flash, Brooklynn 99, Scorpion, The Big Bang Theory. I did that but I still felt useless. I talk to her about it. And then I realize, the whole day have passed and I’m still alive. That’s another reason.

Maybe my opinion changed. Maybe I’m tired of feeling depressed. I always thought I was born to achieve or do something great. Something exciting. But I finally realize I don’t need to do something great, I just need to do something, anything. I need to feel accomplishments. Small, but it would make me feel that sense of achievement that I need. After that I start going out. A simple walk to the park and jog. That’s another reason that keep me going. I start watching tv series that’s exciting. It makes me want to watch more. The more I watch, the more time flies. And just like that, another day pass without me thinking about killing myself.

I’m not here to give advice. I’m a mess myself. But if you’re anything like me, you should try and grab that little achievements. That little reason. If you like to draw, draw something and finished it. If you like to play games, get a new game, try and finish it. Put aside the thought that it will be a waste time. Put aside feeling like you’re a loser in the eyes of people around you. Because this wasting time, this being a loser thing is something that will keep you alive. Be a winner in your own little world. At least that helps me a little. I still don’t have a job. Still don’t know where I’m going in my life. But having this little achievement does help me get through the day. It’s the reason I’m alive today. Most important thing, try and find that one person you know that willing to help you by listening. There’s a huge burden lifted off me these past few days, and it’s all because I reached to someone instead of hoping them reach me. And this is what I learn by writing here, with the help of few user here with their helpful comments. Writing here was the best move I made when I start having all these suicidal thoughts.

 

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Trix 10/31/2015 - 8:03 am

This is a nice post. It’s definitely something I should be doing too. I’m not used to feeling so incapable of doing the things I love (or used to love), and I always aimed high when it came to achievements. I’ve also realised that the small things can be just as important, but I haven’t started setting myself solid goals. I try to find positives, but small achievements would be another helpful thing to focus on.

I’m glad it’s been helping the days become a little easier for you.

bruiseviolet 10/31/2015 - 8:06 am

:O Sometimes we post on things at the same time and it looks like I basically copied your post but I swear I am not doing that!

Trix 10/31/2015 - 8:10 am

Haha, I’ve noticed that too. I was going to post a comment earlier and then I saw yours – mine was basically copied word for word.

Kakubetsuna 10/31/2015 - 8:18 am

Yes. We all thought we were meant for something greater but doesn’t realize we started to neglect small things. Even a nice haircut to make ourselves feel good. Even you commenting my post from before is a great thing since I really felt like you’re listening. We are here to help each other without knowing each other. And I thank you a lot for it.

Trix 10/31/2015 - 8:36 am

The day before yesterday I was feeling a lot better, so I found it easier to try to focus on positive things, even if I didn’t feel positive. And even though noise made me feel ill, and I couldn’t go outside, I liked listening to the quiet sounds of traffic going through town. Being depressed and especially suicidal can make it impossible to enjoy those things, and hard to pay attention to them, but it does help when you take notice of them, even if it’s forced. Paying attention to even the smallest things can make the day easier to get through.

And I thank you too. 🙂 This was a nice reminder. I liked that you talked about how you’d started to do it too. Usually when people say to think positively or find reasons to stay alive, that’s as far as the advice goes. When your mind is fighting you every step of the way, you need to know how to do it. And in that post and comment you just gave me several reasons, which I need right now.

bruiseviolet 10/31/2015 - 8:04 am

This is a great post. Everyday I find small things that keep me going. The second part, about reaching out is a lot harder but it is good advice. I am going to try more. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.

freeroma 10/31/2015 - 8:18 am

+1

Req4ADream 10/31/2015 - 10:07 am

” Because this wasting time, this being a loser thing is something that will keep you alive. Be a winner in your own little world. ”
nothing else to say but thank you.

jadedkeizy 10/31/2015 - 1:09 pm

Thank you for this post. I am so used to setting the bar so high that I end up being frustrated. I need to focus more on setting goals that aren’t so hefty and overwhelming. Thanks again

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/31/2015 - 2:54 pm

I love this hopeful post. Thank you so much.

Last week I was one missing onion ring order away from blowing my brains out. Today I have four fucking pumpkins to carve, the fifth one got carved on Thursday night. Sometimes it is just the small successes. Hot damn, there is ONE damn can of tuna left, and it is all mine..plus (and here is the bonus) there is enough mayo in the jar to make a salad with a little lettuce. Sometimes it is just that little win that keeps me going until the next day.

I’ll have to be honest with everyone, I don’t talk about this to anyone in real life. It’s pointless and they would just tell me to take medicine or shut up or get over myself. But here I don’t feel crazy, I feel like it’s going to be okay, that there are others out there as fucked up as I am and we all are going to be okay. Well today at lease, because I have pumpkins. And tuna.

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