I feel so tired. I have been suicidal ever since I can remember. However, in recent years I have been distracting myself from these thoughts by trying to convince myself that life is better than the alternative. I would always tell myself “I’m going to try living to the fullest today. I can always die tomorrow.” There are days when this works and there are days when it doesn’t. I feel tired because I have to continuously keep convincing myself that life is worth living. Its been almost two years since I started living this way and I’m still not fully convinced of it.
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I used to hope things would get better again, and I told myself that same thing to get through certain days and hours.
That question depends on the person, and what they see as the alternative. I don’t believe my life is any better than the alternative. I don’t really consider this ‘life’. I don’t think anyone should have to accept this kind of suffering. I’ve also stopped believing that things will naturally change in the future – unless I make some changes myself. I still believe in the possibility of a change. I believe in it more now I think it’s something I could bring about, rather than something I just have to wait and hope for. In my case, depression has become a permanent state to be in, so I think the most important way I could change things is by trying to change the way my brain works.
Changing things could be fast or it could be slow, done in small stages and with some setbacks along the way. But don’t give up hope that you could find something better. It shouldn’t be a choice between this and death. If you know the reason that you have those suicidal thoughts, or you start to discover it over time, then you can find ways to alleviate the problem.
Yes you do need to make changes for your situation to change but that is what is so tiring because it is a lot of work. I do know the reason for my suicidal thoughts. I am aware of the triggers and therapy helped me identify the more deep rooted problems but nobody seems to have a clear idea of what to do about it. So I’m just taking one day at a time.
I’m sorry to hear that your depression is a permanent state. In my case it seems to go away once in a while but it always comes back though. I know medication works for some people but in my case it just made things worse. I hope you will be able to find some way to improve your situation.
Thank you. 🙂 I’m sorry the therapy hasn’t helped so far. Yeah, the medications I tried made me worse as well. I still haven’t done that much of it but I’ve started looking into CBT, and it’s quite helpful as far as thoughts and smaller triggers go. I feel like I’ve been getting sucked into them less lately. I don’t know if you’ve tried anything like that, but I thought I’d mention it in case you haven’t. I know some people have only tried more ‘traditional’ therapy, which I tend to think usually isn’t practical enough.
I can only speak for myself but…I think there is always hope. I just looked at your other posts and you are the reason I first found this site: helium suicide hood. I am so sorry to see that you still feel so bad every day. I have thought about suicide and attempted it since I was a kid and I am still here. Sometimes I have moments of enjoyment when I think ”wow I actually feel okay”. Sometimes I even think ”wow I am sort of happy”. They are just fleeting moments but I suppose they are better than nothing. I know people who have been through really horrific things like torture and medical procedures that could be torture. They still find joy in life and want to live. So I feel pretty bad for wanting to kill myself all the time. I think that I owe it to them and to all people who are locked up in real jails, rather than my jail of depression, to just get the f*ck on and at least try and get some enjoyment out of simple things like getting in to bed, cycling, being outside, eating ice cream, lifting weights, watching a series I like, drinking a very decent beer…Like I say I can only speak for myself but I just force myself to do things that other people can’t do. I am alive and I feel like I sort of owe it to people who can’t do the things they want (shower, get in and out of bed, eat………) to live. Sometimes the depression wins and all I can do is think of death and how I can get there but hell I dunno I just have to fight that and try and do things that might be enjoyable for the people that can’t. I agree that the fight is exhausting. Be good to yourself even if it is just for this evening. Don’t be your own torturer.
“just get the f*ck on and at least try and get some enjoyment out of simple things like getting in to bed, cycling, being outside, eating ice cream, lifting weights, watching a series I like, drinking a very decent beer…”
Wow those are exactly the kind of things I’ve been trying to do. I admit, It does help. But once in a while there come these days when the darkness descends and you forget about all the things you promised yourself you’d try.
I hope you finding this site because of my post was a good thing and that it helped you in some way. Keep fighting, fellow soldier! All the best to you!
Speakin for me. Its not getting better
“…rest in peace; now get up and go to war”.
Ever since I heard Rick say that I’ve told myself that each and every morning I get out of bed. It helps me accept the fact I’m an empty husk just waiting to exhale.
We do what we need to do, and then we get to live…
Best not to forget that part
…this gal gets it.
Didn’t forget it; just “omitted” it for the sake of keeping my reply dark.
Hey LOST, just remember one thing “It just has to help this one moment” then you do it again the next moment….this is how I have been getting along my whole life….so far so good….lol