I’m thinking about going back to therapy/counselling, as a way of trying to resolve my suicidal thoughts.
It’s not so much that I want to change, more that I want to clarify what I’m living for, and if that’s really a good choice.
I keep telling myself that suicide would be a terrible thing to do to my parents, and that my life’s not really that bad, but all it takes is a few days at work to make me miserable, and I start feeling like I can’t go on anymore. It’s become a weekly cycle.
I guess I’m looking to resolve those conflicting feelings – either to determine that ending my life really is a sensible response to my situation, or to strengthen the conviction that I should endure – maybe by having someone to remind me of my reasons to continue on. I don’t think I could really get into why I feel so despairing with anyone – I’ve tried that in the past and it hasn’t really helped – I don’t think anyone could make me feel that it was ok. So I’d need someone to accept that I couldn’t really talk about my reasons – maybe that means they wouldn’t be able to understand or really help. I also have a problem being real with therapists – I’m really not a very nice person, and it’s hard to admit that to people, instead of putting on a front. It’s not that I’d be verbally insulting or anything, but I’m stubborn, arrogant, narcissistic, cowardly, immature, and pretty deluded in a lot of ways, and I tend to hide that behind the pretense that I’m really well meaning, which doesn’t help.
Obviously if I did decide that the best thing would be to end my life I wouldn’t discuss plans with a therapist, but I don’t know if even questioning whether I should commit suicide is a no go in therapy? Maybe it wouldn’t be helpful at all – or maybe it’s just another way of avoiding real change. I just keep finding myself questioning why I’m still here, despite deciding that I need to be. It’s like my rational mind isn’t strong enough to hold a thought for more than a few days. I just get overwhelmed by the sheer awfulness of it all.
Anyway, thoughts? Anyone have experience of talking about suicide with a therapist?
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It sounds like a good Idea to go talk things out. It might just make you feel better to touch base every week. The therapist is good at getting me to see things a different way and showing me the things I should be proud of. It makes me feel better in that moment, but when I leave the office, it’s like all the negativity comes right back.
I have openly discussed how I have no purpose and how I wish I had died when I OD’d years ago. Honestly, he doesn’t say much about that part. He’s seen me on this rollercoastsr over and over. He’s seen me at my absolute best and at my all-time low. Over and over. It’s not like a therapist is going to tell you “Yeah, go ahead and kill yourself.” All they can do is lend an ear and try to make you see the bigger picture.
I’ve been in therapy for years, even group therapy and I keep going back to my old ways, but that’s just me. I think talking can help, but ultimately it’s always going to be up to you to decide if your life is worth fighting for. Good luck.
Just want to add that it’s best if you’re open and honest about everything. It helps to take a burden off, even if only for that moment. Also, I have admitted I read this site so that I feel less alone. I would never tell him I have a plan to commit suicide, that’s a no-no. My point is he knows I don’t want to be here any longer. So… Now what? I have to keep trying for myself even though I really don’t want to anymore.
Thanks for the input. I don’t think I could really be open and honest about everything – I think if I did that the shame would just be overwhelming and I wouldn’t be able to go back – that’s kind of what’s happened in the past.
I thought maybe I’d start out by letting them know that I’m a really crappy person, that I’ve made a complete mess of my life etc, that there are specifics that I don’t think I could ever tell them, but just to assume that there’s more going on than I let on. That way maybe I wouldn’t get sucked into the habit of putting on a front and pretending I’m better than I really am.
Do you think you’d feel comfortable exploring the reasons part of you might feel suicide was the right choice with your therapist, or do you think that side of your thinking would just be dismissed out of hand? I guess I’d like to talk to someone at least willing to consider the possibility that suicide might be the right choice in certain circumstances – who would take my thoughts seriously.
Sure, I understand not exactly laying all your cards out on the table at first. I just mean basically be as open as you can. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for years now so I’ve built trust. There are certain things even I hesitated to tell him because I thought he would look down on me. Right now I feel like I have nothing to lose so he pretty much knows everything. You have to feel comfortable with who you’re talking to so do it at your own pace.
I’ve told him my thoughts on suicide and that it is not cowardly at all. Actually, it takes a lot of courage. I’ll dance around the topic and let it go. He is basically empathetic and quiet when I go there because he knows how much I’m hurting. You can find someone who will take you seriously, but you cannot expect a therapist to agree and say “Yes, this is why you should kill yourself.” You know what I mean? Know your limits. That’s why it may help to talk, but you’re not going to get a clear-cut answer on whether or not you should continue living.
Hell, I was in a toxic relationship for years and he pointed certain things out, but even with that he told me “Now I can’t tell you whether you should break up with him or not.” Therapists can only go so far. That’s why everything is basically in your hands and up to you. Maybe you can learn coping skills or even try group therapy if that’s available to you so you won’t feel so alone. You’ll actually be in person with others who share your feelings. I didn’t really practice and hold on to the coping skills like I should have. I’d probably be doing better if I did.
I think it’s a start though with trying therapy again
What have you got to lose? Be good to yourself. 🙂
I think that it is most definitely is worth a go. And exactly, what have you got to lose?
Don’t be afraid to be yourself if you do find a therapist you enjoy- and the fact that you admitted to being all those things you think you are means that you actually are a much better person than you think.
You dont have to open up and convey your entire life’s story to your therapist in the beginning. Starting with your name and an inkling of why you are there is a good place to start. 🙂
Hope you find what you’re looking for love 🙂
Thanks! Now I just have to overcome my crippling fear of being judged and actually make contact with one of the few therapists who lives near me.
A therapist is going to steer you away from anything that they consider to be negative thinking. I went to my Psych asking for help to give up my constant false hope. My problems are physical things that can never change and I find it difficult to stop wishing and holding onto a dream that can never happen. It causes much more depression having constant false hope but my Psych says it would be negligent of her to work with me to simply give up hope and accept that my life will never be any different than it is now.
She agrees with me that my physical problems can never change and it will always be a problem to me but she refuses to help me accept that I just have to live a pathetic crap life and accept my circumstances. She just tries to make me believe my depression is separate to my physical problems and thinks she can help me get over my depression so I can live some sort of life without depression.
I know my depression is caused by my physical problem and I know that is why I have been depressed for 40 years and why no medication has ever helped but I have realized that no therapist or Psych is ever going to help me to just accept that I have to live a depressed, intolerable life. They will always want you to try and find positive things to focus on whilst trying to minimize your real problems.
I do hope you can find someone who is objective and can accept what you want to achieve but I really doubt you will find any therapist like that.
Yeah, that’s kind of what I was afraid of. I’m not really interested in positive thinking anymore. I’ve spent too long trying to re-frame my perceptions of reality, and it’s never seemed to help – I end up just going along with things I don’t believe in, then crashing when it’s revealed how empty they are. I’m done with false hope – I need something that makes sense.
I think I’d need someone who could accept that my suicidal feelings arise because of a past that I cannot change, which I don’t feel like I can talk about, and that they make a kind of emotional sense, even if I wouldn’t want to rationally follow them through.
I suppose maybe by definition an intolerable life is impossible to accept. But I I hope that in my case, if I’m able to fully and consistently accept that I should go on living, it will become more tolerable – not happy, necessarily, but not unbearable.
Maybe it’s still worth me trying to convey that to a few therapists/counselors from the start, and seeing how they react. Thank you for your reply – I hope you find peace.
I discuss suicide with mine quite a bit. As long as I don’t say I’m going to go do it for sure, he let’s it slide so we can at least address my feelings. I would get a therapist who is a PsyD if you plan to do this. It’s the clinical equivalent of PhD. My experience is they are better trained to deal with severe depression and are less likely to freak out on you. I have had several therapists at several different levels. I now will only see ones with a doctorate. It just works out better for me in general. I have had too many bad experiences with ones with less training. Though I got pretty lucky with one. He understood me, most don’t.