Over the last few years,I am becoming more and more bored and selective with people.I feel that the majority is of them is bunch of shallow,hollow and uninteresting individuals,most of the times corrupt and totally naive,not caring about anything else than money,possessions etc.My standards regarding the ”quality” of someone are extremely strict,and regarding relations,it’s even worse.All I wanted was to find a person that will be truly unique and twisted.A person that would make up for the emptiness of the world.A person,that I would love with all my might and sacrifice everything for.I wish I had never met her,for the person I described I actually found.I fell in love with every single aspect of her,and when I finally told her that,she accepted me,even if we both you from the beginning that she wasn’t actually in love with me.She really wanted to try to love me,and I wished for that even more.
But after nearly three months,everything collapsed.She tried her best,but in the end could not see me as a mate,but only as a really good friend that she loves.Shortly after,I realised how selfish I am,for now I want her to die more than anything.I don’t want her to continue her life happily (though she has already been through much emotional pain since her childhood) and more importantly,I just lose my mind in the idea of her finding someone that she will truly love.Apart from hating this world,I’d really like to end my life just to burden her with grief.Yes I am selfish,yes I am irrational,but you know what?.My entire life from then and on was meant to be her,the one who could understand my troubles and relieve me of them.Now I am left all alone,with no one to talk to (And I don’t mean friends,I sure have good ones but they are not ”my kind” and all that their company can company can offer me is just some fun times and carefree times).I need people who are similar to me,who want to discuss about life,death,philosophy,justice..people who are strange,dark,twisted,hurt,uncommon..but they are nowhere to be found,and she who is the epitome of perfection in my eyes,won’t ever be along my side..I know all this might sound like a silly complaint in comparison to stories of other hurt people who have gone through much worse,but for me this is the ultimate torment.I constantly keep thinking about what I lost,and the fact that the chances of finding again someone like that are if not zero,extremely close to it.I find no joy in anything else anymore,not that I previously did much.I just can’t take it anymore,I want it to end..But deep in my heart,the thing that I crave for is vengeance,even if it comes through my death.I want her to suffer,for unwillingly she made me suffer and keep doing so as well..
P.S.It would be extremely helpful if someone could tell me any kind of medicine or substance that can make you go numb.I’d rather live a fake,chemical-controlled life than this current abomination.I am not talking about overdosing or anything fatal,I just want to know if anyone that suffers from a mental disorder or just happens to know/has used substances that turned him either numb or hypomaniac/maniac.I crave for a loss of contact with reality..