I’ve lived on the edge my whole life. Never had any stability, never had any sense of security, never felt like there was a tomorrow. I’ll be 38 next month and I’m just so, so tired.
I barely survive week to week. I’ve barely had money to eat when both my jobs won’t/can’t give me the hours I need. I work 12 hour days that add up to only 4-6 hours of pay in total. But that’s not my point. It’s just never getting ahead, never being able to save anything, never moving forward.
My biggest fear is that the man I love really wants to move out of state because the laws here are beyond restrictive on him. I understand, because it’s a full time job keeping up with the laws for him to stay free and not get locked back up on some stupid bullshit they passed overnight while we slept last night. The laws also keep him from practicing his religion (pagan). But I don’t want to be without him, and he thinks it’s a little weird if I moved with him but he didn’t exactly say no. I’d be scared to move because I wouldn’t have the right to work in that state (being trans) and wouldn’t have any help. I’m more afraid though that he could forget all about me.
It hurts when he says to not be attached to him. That’s like asking me to not breathe or eat again. I’m very attached to having him around. I couldn’t stand to never see him again. And even worse, to be forgotten. It also hurts when he was right next to me last night and says he wishes he could have a girl love him for all his craziness, when I DO love him for everything he is!!! He’s everything I could ever want, he’s what I always wanted. And I’ve told him this.
But then, I had a beautiful time again giving him a back massage. Maybe because we were both tired. Somehow my pressure and technique was the best it’s been and he said so. I love to get to touch him, I love his body, he’s perfect to me. I was drifting off throughout it too, and it’d have been sooooo easy to sleep with my arm around him. That was basically it, getting to be right next to him with my arm around him. It’s all I can do to hold back from kissing him. Words just can’t ever express how much I feel for him. I wish that were enough to give it a shred of a chance. I miss him every second we’re not together. Sigh.
Anyway I got to run. You can catch a glimpse of some stuff if you check my instagram. Ask and I’ll put the e handle in comments.
4 comments
What stuff?
It’s been years since I felt in love with someone close to me in that way, but I know I get more attached to people and develop feelings for people more easily while I’m depressed/lonely. It’s worth considering that that might be part of it with this guy, though it doesn’t change the way you feel. But being with him long-term probably wouldn’t be what you might imagine. He definitely doesn’t sound like someone who would bring more security to your life. I know being close to him is everything you want, but at the same time it’s probably holding you back from moving on. You’ve told him how you feel and he isn’t willing to give you a chance. More fool him. But eventually I think moving on will be necessarily.
Maybe this guy just really isn’t the one, like not your soul mate. The right one should be the one that can give you all the security and stability you are missing in life. You are so tired living day to day, working two jobs. The perfect guy should be giving YOU a back massage! The perfect guy would see that you are the one that loves him with his craziness. I don’t want to be harsh or bring you down but maybe he just isn’t the one. It just sounds like you could do better. I know you love him but you have to put yourself first and realize that you deserve somebody that loves you 100% and won’t leave you. Your feelings are important. You matter. You deserve to be loved.
I accept it because it’s not possible for anyone to love me. I’ve always been too ugly for every man on earth, and there’s just no way I’ll ever have anyone. I don’t have the body frame to ever be small enough for men to like, and all guys want them tiny. If I were taller, I’d be a linebacker. That’s how I’m built. So, no one will ever love me.
“all guys want them tiny” – that isn’t true. I know guys who much prefer bigger wo/men. And that young guy likes you – and has for a long time. There’s proof that you’re not too ugly.