Hey guys, sorry, this is kind of my first post. Just I felt I needed to share some things that were on my mind. Don’t really feel comfortable talking about these things but it’s been weighing on me pretty heavily.
I’ve… well I mean there’s no easy way to say it… But I’ve contemplated suicide before. Never was able to do anything about it, but the thought goes through my head a lot more than I care to admit. I’ve just been having so much stress compiled on me, and so many things going through my head it’s just killing me.
The thing is I’m the last person people would expect this kind of thing from. So I guess to give you perspective of me, I’m a college student at Y tech school. I’m going for a very technical degree with notoriously known difficulty. Other than that, Most would think I would have everything going for me. People have always kind of seen me as that strong, intelligent, abnormally “handsome” guy. I’m not saying I think this of myself, I’m just spitting what others say of me. The main thing though is people see me as unbreakable. Tough-as-nails kind of guy that never gives in. And that is the only thing I do believe of myself. I’ll never be “the” fastest or “the” strongest or the most intelligent, but I’m absolutely hell-bent and never quite. The problem is it’s also my weakness.. I beat myself so hard and never give myself a break because I see it as weak on my behalf. I love others and use it as motivation but I guess I also do it because I hate myself as well. I absolutely despise my life, but for some reason I keep carrying on.
I was an army cadet my freshman year in college, and that was the most miserable year of my life to date. Partly because I realized I just couldn’t keep up with everything. I always dreamed of being an officer, always wanted to serve and still do. The other part was because how much I had the shit pounded out of me and just how much I hated that year. It sent a precedent that’s followed the rest of my college career thus far. I had always dreamed of the very worst case freshman year/college experience, and the actual freshman year made my nightmare seem as a fantasy. I couldn’t keep up with the work, couldn’t find trustworthy friends, was exhausted physical and mentally, and couldn’t find any places to go or to go out with. So I spent all my time cooped up in my room studying for classes I would damn near fail or the rest of the time having the shit pounded out of me from waking up at 4 am every day. Fort Drum damn near broke me, made me miss a vital lab and homework, gave me the worst damn frostbite I ever had. Gave the worst damn flu I ever had, kept me awake for damn near 3 days, gave me tinnitus in my left fucking ear for several months because of the guys shooting that damn m240B’s right next to my fucking head, ripped the cartilage in my ribs. and because of the sleep deprivation. Made me mess up an important test.
But I never gave in once. And that’s my freshman year in a nutshell. It was absolute hell, and I paid the worst toll mentally and physically because of it.
I’m not a cadet anymore because of my back and ribs at the moment. They’re healing up, but I feel like an absolute failure. I’m trying my hardest in my courses but it’s not enough. I realized my job prospects are with companies I don’t agree fundamentally with. I’m in constant pain. And I realized my dream of being something more is fading right in front of me. I just feel such a failure to my friends and my family. I want to join the service in a reserve/ guard component when I graduate and after I find a stable job. But I look back at my freshman year, and all that hell I went through. Was it worth it? absolutely fucking not. It damn near destroyed me mentally and physically and put me in shit so deep that I forgot what the sun looked like. I just look forward to death so much, and am wondering, what the fuck is the point of life if I only see gray? What is this point if I have only ever felt pain? I want to be there for others and love other people, but how can I expect to be there when I can’t even be there for myself? However, the calmest I have ever been has been in the most dangerous and stressful situations where I could make a difference for other people. I’ve seen mangled limbs, ripped off arms, even a woman try to kill herself in front of her kids and just… things a some should never see. They give me nightmares still. It’s not the gore that bothers me but the psychological aspect of it. But in those moments, I was actually at peace for once. At peace with myself, because I realized I could make a difference. But I feel so lost personally. I feel so hopeless, and I feel as if I’m trapped in an endless, Depressing cycle.
I’m so sorry for the length. Just everything and anything to help me out at all means more than you can imagine. Outside I may be a mean looking sob, but inside I care.