It’s so hard for me to stay strong. I’ve been struggling with my depression for 5 years now. But last week, my friend killed herself, and now I feel like it’s okay for me to do it as well. It really triggered me. I go onto her facebook page multiple times a day and read all of the messages people have sent her. It’s like once you’re dead, people start caring about you. Right now I’m torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. For the past few days I’ve been doing some research about train suicides and suicide by hanging. I found out that it’ll only take 8-13 seconds to lose consciousness by hanging yourself (if you do it correctly). And all you need is just a belt, so it’s really tempting. 
But then the other part of me wants to keep fighting ’cause I still have my whole life in front of me. I have a few things planned for if I can manage to stay strong like:
- I’ll get my drivers license next month
- I’ll be seeing my favourite band bring me the horizon for the third time on November 22
- I’ll get my high school diploma in June (if I pass my exams of course),
- I’ll be going to Australia for an English course in July
- And then next year I can finally go to uni.
There’s also a part of me which is scared that if I do something stupid and end up surviving it. I’ll ruin it all. Then I might end up disabled, they will probably lock me up in a mental ward, my permit will expire, I’ll have to repeat my year and my parents would never let me go to the other side of the world by myself for the English course. So it’s a constant battle and I don’t know what to do?? Because if I was absolutely sure that my suicide attempt would work, then I’d do it right away. But people have survived the craziest accidents and injuries, and that’s making me having second thoughts about it all.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bad before, It’s getting harder and harder every day to pretend that I’m doing “fine”. But I’m far from fine. And the worst part of it all is that I have to go through this all by myself. I literally have no one, and this loneliness is killing me.
4 comments
You are not alone here. <3
I am so sorry your friend killed herself 🙁
I like that you have made a list of positive things to do with your life, please keep hold of this at all times, if possible write it out and keep a copy on you, so that you can remind yourself of the hopes you have had, even if you feel in the darkest pit of despair.
Just keep going, don't put pressure on yourself to make it to next year, take it a day or an hour at a time if that's what it takes you keep you here.
Much Love xo
I am sorry to hear about your friend, I’m sure this hasn’t made your journey any easier.
The good news is you came to this webpage, so even though you feel alone …. You aren’t. You have plenty of people you can talk to and its always easier to tell strangers your problems.
I am sorry about your friend.
Since you are listing reasons to live, I would recommend hanging on. You can always catch the bus later, but once you are gone you cannot change your mind and come back. You mention several changes in your future which means several opportunities to make new friends and alleviate the lonliness. As for people showing they care after you are gone – if you are dead you won’t know what they are saying, so it won’t matter to you. This life can only matter if you are still living it.
I know the pain can be really intense – believe me, I know – but it sounds like you have a real opportunity for things to improve.
Just like anyone else I’m sorry about what you’re going through but if I may speak as a person who already attempted and is planning to do it again. Do all the things you really want to do and then if you still thinks that’s the only way to go then find your own happiness … I had a list too or we’ll have before I attempt again and I’m planning on sticking to that list before I try to do it again. I really hope you’re able to find that rock to keep you going though .