Sorry I haven’t posted here in awhile. It’s October and the autumn leaves are falling and it’s getting cold again. I think seasonal change is bringing back a lot of the trauma from last year due to the environment being similar. I been in West Virginia for 13 months now. I’m alone, empty, and dead inside just like I was this time last year, just like I was this time 10 years ago. No one to hold, no one to share my life with, no hope for the future really.
While I’m still not suicidal, I often wonder if that post psychiatric ward hope was just all an illusion. The world is cold. The psyche ward was filled with warm and understanding people. I felt apart of something for the first time in years.
Besides working on my book, I achieved none of my goals I set out too. No learners permit, no looking for a house. Everything pretty much just ended up being the same. Makes me wonder the limits of true free will and if it exists at all.
I still wish there was a law that would allow us all to get the N just in case. I may never use it but I’d be comforted by its presence knowing that if things get to rough, I can just be finished with it.
A lot of people love life, at least most seem to be content. I never was that way except for a few “moments” or when I was drinking. i still wonder why there is such a cultural gravitational pull in this society to keep everyone alive against there will no matter what. We are all terminal right? We are all gonna die….someday. In 100 years would it really matter if a depressed person took the N to end there life peacefully or decided to live another 30 years until they died of a massive heart attack?
If something is going to end, then why should there even be a beginning?
3 comments
I know. *sigh* The colder weather makes me want to be with someone too, always has. I kind of don’t feel that as much with seeing the guy I like about every weekend, but what kills me is having him sleep next to me and I don’t get to hold him or put my hand on his arm or anything. I’d give everything to hold him. He is my everything. This is so hard. He’ll NEVER be mine. I know that. He kind of ignores that I love him the way he wants to be loved, I’m just not an anorexic 80 lb tiny person that could get him. But I still love him, more than anything in the universe, and would die for him. :'(
Working on your book is a massive achievement. Most people never get started on their book.
Somebody else wrote a post about it being suicide season where they live. I suppose this time of the year is naturally depressing. Maybe we will feel a bit better when spring begins. Maybe you will find something new that you feel a part of. Maybe in the future your country will allow assisted suicide. Maybe you will have moments of happiness again some day. I wish it for you. I wish it for all of us.
Good to hear from you wndozh8er. Writing a book is great start and I hope it gives you a jolt of happiness and hope. I think it’s always better to settle for achieving smaller goals after traumatic experiences. I hope things start to look up. I do have those moments.