Can You Say Relapse?

So, today I’ve relapsed into depression. I was doing really well, I really was…but now I am just failing at life. Or at least, that’s how I feel. School’s got me feeling like that and it seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m just a failure. I mean, I can’t really excel at anything but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Whenever I try to look up, the world slaps my face downward. It gives me subtle reminders that I’ll never get what I want, or I’ll never be happy, or that I don’t even matter. There’s always something. Maybe I’m still stuck in the habit of looking at the negatives but they seem to be screaming at me in a way that I can’t possibly ignore.

I discovered something terrible today. Seems like my feelings are going to get me into trouble again. I guess that’s one thing about me that never fails. I wish I didn’t feel anything or have any emotions. Especially toward others. It would just be so much easier. My feelings overwhelm me until I’ll just do anything to make it stop. All of it. Hopefully my heart won’t be so fragile this time around but no matter how many times I tell myself that I can’t have feelings for people, my heart just does it anyway. It’s killing me. Love kills me. I’m crazy. The thought of what could be destroys my mind until I’m living in the illusions that I’ve set up for myself. And who can I blame? I want to blame everyone but I know it’s my fault. I’ve never been incredibly good at lying to myself. Everything is my fault. I guess that just points back to me being a failure. I’m crazy, did I say that already? It’s true, there’s no other explanation. But my feelings can get so strong for someone I’ve barely talked to. Maybe I’m secretly desperate but that doesn’t seem right. I wouldn’t say I’m desperate. But I don’t know what I would call it.

It’s just amazing that I could hate the things that make me….well……me. Being me just causes so many problems but I thought that I stopped hating myself a long time ago. Maybe I subconsciously hate myself at this point. It’s just annoying. I don’t want other people to judge me for what I can’t control but in a way, I judge myself. I’m pathetic. Is life over yet? I think I’m done.