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Don’t know what to do

by Namjoon64

Recently I’ve been thinking about taking my own life. I just feel that I have no place in it and that doesn’t upset me at all, I’ve actually fully accepted this fate because I believe not everyone is cut out for living till the adult years. I’ve thought about suicide a few times in the past but now they’re so strong I don’t really have much control. I always had a feeling something was wrong with me since I was younger.
When I was a toddler my father was in and out of jail, he was alcoholic and was very violent. He would abuse me and my sisters from time to time. Since he was always running from the police we had to move around alot. When I was around 6 I moved from Georgia (birthplace) to Tennessee, after a while of living there my father was back to doing bad again and got locked up in jail. There was only my mother to take care of us for a while till my father got out and decided we should move again. At 7 I ended up in Florida where we were supposed to become better as a family but it seemed to only get worse. My father got violent again and got into a serious fight with his brother who was moving around with us. We were jumping from hotels to homeless shelters at the time because we were poor which resulted in us getting kicked out of the hotel due to my fathers fight. Me, my two older sisters and my mother had to live in the woods without food for about 3 days because we had no money. Till one day the police saw me and my sister playing by ourselves which brought them to call an ambulance and other services to get us. My mother was taken to the hospital, she had been bitten by a poisonous spider, and me and my siblings were sent to foster care.
The first house we were put in didn’t last long due to racism against us in the house. The next house I had to be split from my siblings because their foster home didn’t want someone as young as I was since I would be useless to them. So I stayed in the new home by myself till I caught the flu and got kicked out. The next house I was in had quite a few children, the older teen I roomed with would bully me quite alot but luckily I got to start seeing my mother who surprisingly survived. Although it was great to finally see her and my siblings again I guess I felt kinda abandoned, my sisters didn’t even remember who I was. After a few more visits I was able to move into the house that my sisters were living in. I was happy at first but then I began to regret my decision of changing homes. Me and my sisters were the only light skinned people in the house and since I was only about 8 or 9 I couldn’t defend myself so it led to more abuse from the other teens there, a few times it had even been sexual. No one stuck up for me so one day I gave up and ran away from home which resulted in returning right away, getting me absolutely no where. I began to hate life then, I felt trapped and lonely. Soon I was able to live with my mom and sisters officially, all together. My mom didn’t have such a nice paying job but it was enough to get by. Not long after I moved with my mom we got visiting rights for my dad and began seeing him also. When I first saw him I wasn’t really sure what to expect, I was terribly scared but after I had seen that he genuinely changed I got more comfortable. After another year my dad was aloud to move in with us, which was great because my parents were happy together again, but right when he moved back in is when my sister began hurting me and my other sister physically. She was the middle sister, I’m the youngest sibling and my other sister was the oldest but she has a mental disability that gave her a mind of a 3rd grader, so we couldn’t defend ourselves. She tried telling our parents what was going on but they didn’t believe us and called us liars, she was the “angel” child with good grades, there was no way she could do something like that. After the continuous abuse I gave up on trying to tell. Once I got in middle school and my abusive sister began high school is when she stopped harming us. But that’s when I began harming myself. I had trouble dealing with my emotions, I never really knew how to deal with them correctly and became very closed in. I rarely talked to anyone, my parents only really wanted to talk to my other sister anyways so I kept myself in my room. In 7th grade I began getting thoughts of suicide, I attempted 3 times yet failed each time. My parents always asked why I never talked to them and I never answered them, not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t know either, so they would ground me a few times for punishment but after awhile they got used to it. 7th grade was also the year I came out as transgender, not to my parents but to my friends at school. They were all supportive of me and my changes which I was grateful for. In 8th grade my parents got a divorce, my two sisters went with my mom and I stayed with my dad so I could go to a art school.
Once they left I came out to my dad about being transgender which he didn’t have a issue with. During this time is also when I became very socially anxious with everything, just by passing a bus I felt everyone starring at me. And once I got in high school nothing really got better, I still continued to self harm and I got anxiety episodes a lot more often.
My emotions got alot harder to control and since I was always taught to just sit, stay, and be obedient I never felt comfortable enough with anyone to talk about my problems. I always felt as if someone was out to get me or that if I were to talk about a problem I’m having that no one will actually care. They most likely fake the concern and only care for themselves. I didn’t stop self harming till a teacher had seen the scars on my arms and sent me to the school guidance counselor. I was so upset and I felt betrayed by my teacher because she should’ve came to me first to talk not the school. The counselor called my father, which is the only thing I asked her not to do, and just sent me back to class. I stopped harming after that because my father was very skeptical about me being alone.
After I stopped Is when my relationships with other people began getting alittle messy. One day I’d be happy and close with someone and the next I’d ignore them. So most days I’d just not talk with anyone. When alone I’d ask myself as to why I’m like this and then I realized that its only when people get too close and start knowing more of my past is when I push them away. Although I had an idea of why I was acting like this it didn’t stop, only got stronger as the days went by. Sometimes my friends would be upset since I refused to make skin contact most of the time, like if someone were to go hug me I’d stop them immediately or move away. I just became this socially awkward human being that couldn’t seem to enjoy anyone but myself. At the end of the year in 9th grade the urges to self harm returned to me but I didn’t give in until September this year (I’m currently a 10th grader). I began researching my symptoms on the internet and tried figuring out how to control this. I have an idea of what is happening (I think it could possibly be borderline personality disorder) but I can’t be sure unless I see someone. Lately though my self harming is as frequent as every other day. In class I even daydream about shooting myself or cutting myself which doesn’t even make me feel bad, it actually makes me feel kinda excited. My mood continues to fluctuate throughout the week but usually its been more negative. I only eat once a day and my sleeping schedule will go from 2 hours a night for about 1 month or 2 to me sleeping right when I get home from school till I wake up in the morning. It seems that no matter how much sleep I get I’m always exhausted and tired out very easily. My suicide thoughts are so strong I have actually began making a plan and date for it, I’ve even began thinking about writing letters to the ones I’m leaving behind. I’m just not sure what to do anymore..

Sorry I ended up writing so much..

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6 comments

SeeSmith 11/21/2015 - 5:00 pm

It’s OK to write about these things, especially here. Length doesn’t matter. You did a good job of telling a horrible story.

Your life so far has been going from crisis to crisis and most of the skills you have learned are only good for those situations; how to protect yourself, how to prevent unstable situations from destabilizing, how to be emotionally distant, how to internalize your fear and anger.

Now you are in a part of life where the shocks don’t come so frequently, where sticking to one course of action for months is required, where your interactions with your peers need to be more subtle and longer lasting. I’m sure you feel overwhelmed by it all. Friends that have lived in the same house for 10 years must seem pretty alien to you, for example.

You should be in counseling at least five days a week. Not because you are wrong or weird or defective, but because this is one of the ways teenagers can learn good coping skills and have a safe place they can ask questions, receive enlightenment, and not be judged. The fact that you are not in such a program makes me despair. All I have to offer is my ear and a genuine apology because the society I helped build has failed you.

I’m sorry.

I know you are in a place where you look at your teachers and guidance counselors as enemies. Right now they are your best hope. You need to start a dialog with them. Allow them to get to know you. Start opening up to them, bit by bit.

Your going to have to let your guard down around your friends, too. This is hard! Remember, your friends are absolutely filled with fear and confusion, too. So there will be times you expect them to support you and they will be absolute bastards. Try not to take it personally, they are human. All humans fail.

Somehow I doubt that what I’ve said here is any real help. Thankfully there are many others here that have positive and practical things to say. Keep coming back. Post to describe the trials you face. It IS possible to muddle through and arrive at adulthood *mostly* sane.

Or so I’ve been told.

Namjoon64 11/21/2015 - 10:37 pm

Thanks for the comment and I don’t think you need to apologize, it wasn’t your fault life has turned out this way. Also the suggestions you’ve made could help so I’ll think about giving them a try.

Trix 11/22/2015 - 1:06 am

Hi Namjoon64. 🙂

Life has been really cruel to you so far. I’m very sorry you’ve had to suffer so much.

You said you believe not everyone is cut out for living to be an adult. I just want to offer an alternative perspective: a lot of the hell you’ve been going through will be based on your past. As adulthood comes, you get further away from your past and you learn to cope more easily. Like SeeSmith said, the skills you’ve learned are only good for crisis situations. It sounds like your life is more stable now, and one thing you can do is give yourself time to build strong relationships and look for help. I know it can be hard not to shut down and keep people at a distance, but no one will hurt you. People won’t always respond as you’d want them to, but that doesn’t mean they’ll hurt you in the way you’ve been hurt in the past. I realise you have painful experiences with counsellors, but if you could see one regularly it could be helpful. It sounds like your father cares for you and when you talked about your friends getting upset when you couldn’t get close to them, it seemed that they cared too. There are people you can reach out to and ask for help. I’m angry that your counsellor just sent you back to class – that’s incredibly dismissive and your mental health should be taken much more seriously than that, with more caution and attention. But it sounds like it could be really helpful to talk to someone and learn some skills to feel better, so I hope you can try that route. I think it’s great that you came here too. Anywhere where you can talk about it is a good place to be.

Another thing about adulthood: your brain calms down a bit and you learn coping skills yourself over time. You start to take things more slowly, usually including emotions. I’m more ill and have more problems now than when I was your age, but it’s a lot easier to cope with. There’s more to adulthood than just getting older. So I hope you can give it some time. 🙂 Those thoughts of suicide, where it seems seductive or exciting, are a way to escape the pain, but you deserve a chance to escape and enjoy life too.

Namjoon64 11/22/2015 - 10:48 am

I’m sorry to hear that you’re ill and I hope you get better. I’m really thankful for that comment cause I guess it made me see things from a different perspective. I’ll try my hardest not to give in and will continue into adulthood. Thank you again, I’m really thankful for the eye opener.

Whateverbell 11/22/2015 - 10:19 am

I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through in your life. And I just wanted to say I am proud of where you are today. And I only hope things get better for you because you deserve it. I just hope you find your happiness somehow.

Namjoon64 11/22/2015 - 2:46 pm

Thank you for the support

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