I just don’t know anymore

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. Almost feels like I am just wasting life away. I have no idea what I want to do in life. I thought I had it figured out in high school, but when I realized I wasn’t able to afford university, I felt depressed. The reason I got good grades in school was to get into university; now I had to settle with community college. And if I was going to community college, what was the point of getting good grades? What’s the point of straight A’s if you go to community college? They don’t care. When you transfer from community college to university, they look at college grades; they don’t give two shits about high school grades.(sorry for language if it’s too much) I was actually supposed to fail my AP Spanish class because I didn’t do any work in there. I don’t know why the teacher didn’t fail me; I already had enough units for foreign language. Hell, almost all my other classes I got real lazy in because I saw no point as long as I passed. Then when I went to community college, it seemed alright…for a while. Then I had to the general ed classes. I see no point to those classes whatsoever. They are only there for the college to get more money; they say it’s “to have well-rounded knowledge,” but I know better. I know damn well that’s what they want you to believe. What damn purpose does philosophy serve a Bio major? Or any other major that’s not philosophy? They want every penny they suck out of everyone. Realizing this, I had lost hope for anything that needs a college degree; I’m not wasting my time with that crap. Since I’m not doing college anymore, I am trying to find a job, and that is proving to be a pain in the ass. The only job I got was temporary, so I got laid off after season. I keep looking for jobs, but the most I get are a few interviews. No one hires me, so I’m just a home losing my mind, doing nothing, except wasting life. Sad thing is, I actually did well in schoolwork. I can get straight A’s when I’m not depressed. But now that I don’t want to go to college, or have anything to with college, I have no clue what I am doing. Feels like wasted talent, which really sucks, and depresses me every time I think about it. I really don’t want to go back to school and deal with all that bullcrap, and I don’t get hired by anyone. What the hell am I supposed to do? I just don’t know anymore. I still can’t get a job. I thought I would be able to get the seasonal job I had last year, but even they won’t call. I’d figure they’d love to have me back with experience and good rehire status, but no, it seems even they tell me to fuck off. I really don’t know what I am doing around the house anymore. I just sit there doing nothing at all. Sometimes I’ll watch the tv shows I normally watch, but after, it won’t take long before I feel like shit again. I normally feel that playing video games helps me forget whatever troubles I am having, but now, even I have trouble getting myself to do that. I literally feel like I’m just a waste, a waste of a person, a waste of air, waste of space, fuck it, a COMPLETE WASTE. I feel like I’ll never find my purpose, I’ll never get my life together, never figure it out. Almost feels like I’m just waiting to die. I do NOT have plans or thoughts of taking my own life, but like I’m just waiting for something to happen and waiting to die. Sometimes feel like I’ll be better off that way. I’m not always in this bad mood. I go through portions of the day feeling ok, and then it all goes downhill and I feel hopeless again. Normally, I like to hang out with my friends, but since high school, they have all been busy with life and whatnot. I see them and sometimes hangout with them, but after that, I feel very lonely. No girlfriend either, I have had terrible luck with women. Out of all the women I have been drawn to, almost all of them didn’t have interest in me. There was 1 that saw me the way I saw her. When it was going well, I felt like for once, everything was falling together, that everything was finally going my way. But no too long after telling me how she felt about me, she ran off with someone else, probably her ex. Hell, for all I know, they could still be together right now. How’s that for luck. I try finding another woman, but no success, I just feel that much more lonely and hopeless every time I fail. I don’t want to feel this way anymore