I am really nervous about sharing my story as I dont want to say anything that will bother or upset anyone 🙁 but i will try my best to express myself in a way in which no one will be upset by.
I was born in Venezuela and i moved to the united states when i was 3, iam 17 and almost 18 now. (forgive me for not mentioning where in the USA i live)
I am really grateful to this country because it has given me great opportunity where as in Venezuela I would most likely not amount to much (not that i will ever amount to anything either way).
I’ve been depressed for as long as i can remember, i have felt happy at times but my depression has always been there, when i first moved to this country i was 3 years old, my mother tells me that when we moved here i became very depressed, But she didnt think much of it, that i would just grow out of it. eventually i did grow out of that depression and i was happy again.
Elementary school was very hard for me, i would stay up till 11 at night trying to do homework but i could not concentrate at all due to my ADD which i was diagnosed with in the 5th grade. I remember my first suicidal thought and action. I was nine years old and in the third grade. I had some missing homework and i just did not want to cope with the consequences. So, my solution was to kill myself. I held my breath for as long as i could so like that i would die. Little did i know that it is impossible to die from holding your breath.
In the 5th grade there was a group of girls that i wanted to be friends with. they where called the monkey girls, because they had key chains with monkeys on them, i thought they where so cool, so i bought a key-chain with a monkey on it and they where so mad at me. i felt humiliated, i dont know why, but as stupid as it sounds that even in my life really left a mark on me for some reason.
Everything went downhill in the 6th grade. I met my former best friend, (lets call her Bambi, even though thats not her real name). I used to think that girl was the love of my life in every way, she was my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime…….. but….. she was toxic. I began to feel so depressed in the sixth grade. i didnt think much of it so i brushed it off cause it honestly wasnt that bad, i thought i was morbidly obese even tho i was pretty under weight and i thought i was the ugliest human being ever to grace they eyes of the world. i would cry very often because i thought i was so obese even though i wasnt. i would also cry because of my facial appearance because i thought i was so ugly.
During the 6th grade to the 8th grade i had feelings of hopelessness and i didnt know why. i wished i hadnt ever been born and i used to wish i could just disappear. i thought no one would ever love me, i thought that i would never amount to anything. i dont remember much anymore but i think it was one of the lowest times of my life. My parents didnt notice how sad i was because i could hide my feelings of depression from them. My first suicide attempt was mediocre, but i still wish i had succeeded.
I was in my house and i had been crying for a few hours and my chest felt like my heart was being ripped out. So I went ahead and tried to kill myself.
(im not describing how i tried to kill myself cause i dont think that is allowed on this website)
It didnt work, the way i tried to kill myself, so i went a head and wrote an official suicide note, it is by far then best suicide note ive ever written. I am honestly am still very proud at how it turned out. it sounds like a horrible thing to say, but it was honestly very well written.
after i wrote my suicide note i was walking to class with Bambi and she pulled it out of my hands and took it to the school officials and they called my parents and i got hospitalized in the psych unit for a few days.
The doctors on the psych unit where shocked at how depressed i was. they said that it is rare to find someone that depressed still alive without treatment. ( they said something along those lines). they finally sent me home and my relationship with my parents at the time was horrible ( have wonderful parents.). Somewhere along the line, i started to self harm, i have self harm scars on my skin that are never going away.
I am going to cut this short, but since the 8th grade, ive been sexually assaulted, ive tried to commit suicide and i have been hospitalized to many times that ive lost count, But, ive also found the love of my life, my only reason to live, My future husband. Since the 8th grade ive gone from 7 anti depressants to 4 antidepressants to just 2 antidepressants. I cant believe im almost 18, i never thought id make it to 17 years old, much less 18 years old.
I apologize sincerely to those of you who read this and did not understand it due to my poor self expression.