it’s never ending .
I feel my self getting worse and worse every day.
I woke up sort of feeling good today . I wanted to kill my self this weekend but I didn’t. I feel selfish for wanting to give up my life , but I don’t know how to turn the pain off.
I went to my dental a class today and I feel like I’ve lost interest . I loose interest in everything. I’m not good at anything and I don’t really mean much to anyone . I haven’t made a impact . Everyone eventually fades out of my life .
Everyday I wake up with hope and fall asleep with sadness .
I’m dessicating.
I want to help people some day . I’ve always wanted to do that. I want to travel and have fun and love life , but I can’t figure out how to do it .
I always think of my past and childhood and how my mom passed away . I was alone as a child , and my dad never talked to me about it . This defiantly has a impact on how I feel on a daily basis .
I don’t think I will last much longer in this life .
Everything seems so pointless if we are just all going to die in the end right ?
3 comments
There is freedom in pointlessness. There is selfishness and then there is selfishness. Other random word salad goes here…
I only wanted to have a good time in my 20s. I wanted to make an impact in my 30s and didn’t much. I ended up making a real impact in my 40s cause I adopted my son who didn’t have a dad. I want back to only having fun in my 50s, but my dad got sick so I’m back to having an impact…
So you live long enough you are going to have plenty of opportunities to do good (and bad). Mostly it’s going to be goals you set for yourself. Just give yourself time.
With your mom passing there are probably two terrible things that happened to you. First, you lost a parent and that’s just awful awful. There will always be pain from that! Second, you lost a role model. You have missed out on years and years of little life lessons mothers teach their daughters. Some of those life lessons center around dealing with pain and loneliness. How to deal with the opposite sex. Maybe how to tell if an egg is hard boiled.
So there is always going to be a part of your life where you are playing catch-up. Learning how to deal with things. That is sucky but it isn’t impossible to overcome. Therapy is one place where you can learn these lessons. Also strong and diverse friendships with other women are helpful, too.
Lastly, I have to mention that you living your life and grappling with your problems is what your mom would have wanted. I’m not trying to lay guilt on you. This is your life for you to do with what you want or think you need to do. But remember that your mom wanted you to grow up – not only physically, but intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. You can pay homage to her memory by struggling along the best you can with the rest of us. Every day that I stay alive is another small chance that I make someone else’s existence bearable because of the good hearted nature my mom passed on to me.
So lots o pretty words here but mostly no answers. Please consider opening up to those around you. Find a therapist and tell them everything.
There are all sorts of crazy, wonderful, sweet things waiting for you. The love of an equal. Soul transforming travel. Maybe children. Musical teeth. Exotic restaurants. The joy of independence. Centeredness. Peace.
You’re the one whose mother committed suicide, right? Are you letting that define you and are you blaming yourself for it?
Know that it was your mother’s choice to commit suicide and I don’t believe it was your fault. Why she chose to leave, we may never know. I don’t think there was anything you could do to stop it either.
What is at the root amd heart of your sadness? You say that everything is meaningless. How about flipping that and seeing that every moment is significant amd forever?
What do you feel/believe is ypur purpose in life?
Keep talking, I’ll be here. Gotta go.
I am so sorry your mother left you like that. I doubt there is anything that causes the emptiness that loosing a parent does.
I’d like to say she is looking down at you, that she still loves you. Truthfully that won’t do much good, because right now, today, you hurt and are having a hard time moving forward.
Sometimes parent leave this world physically, or mentally. Some of us have to remove ourselves from them for the sake of our own sanity. Any way that it happens the result is we are essentially orphan until we learn to parent ourselves.
It is so very hard to parent my own self. Sometimes I don’t follow my own rules, I can be really abusive to myself. There are days that I am not proud enough of my accomplishments. Frankly I can be a really shitty parent.
But then there are days, like yesterday, where I sit and think to myself, I can do this. I can love myself, parent myself well, help myself find help and friendship. Days like yesterday make me proud to be my own parent.
All I can say is learn to be your own parent, be gentle on yourself and love yourself. And keep talking, it really does help.