I can’t take it anymore. I’m all alone all the time. I have no friends. Even my parents are against me. I can’t talk to anyone, but I yearn so much for a bit of understanding. My parents have abused me since I was little. They made fun of my looks, my behaviour, my friends (I had few when I was younger) and the things I liked even though I tried to be the perfect daughter. I stopped liking the things they didn’t like, I kept my room clean most of the time, I learned to get only A’s in school, I was polite to them, I tried to change for their goddamn sake. But no matter how hard I tried I was always “annoying” and “a burden” to them. They were beating me for trival things like spilling a juice, laughing at a cartoon, crying when I was sad or because I didn’t want to eat something I didn’t like. I could never count on them, I could only depend on myself. When I had any kind of a problem and I needed help, they were calling me “a baby” and laughing at “their unbelievable stupid child”. They didn’t care about my feelings, I remember when I cried they’d laugh or beat me for it, when I was happy they “coudn’t look at my awfull snout”. Because of this I have a social phobia. I can’t stand going to school, I’m scared to even utter a word. I’m lonely and I don’t remember when I smiled lately. I just wanted to have a loving family, but it seems like I don’t deserve it. It’s always that I love but I’m not loved back. It really hurts me how they treat me. I wonder what did I do to deserve this. And just now I had a fight with my mother. I’m so depressed right now. My grandma came by and my mother lied that I beat my cat and that I called her a *****. I tried to explain it’s not true, but they both started calling me “a demon” and “a psycho” and my mother even said “I’m not worth anything”. When she saw I was sad and mad she started sneering at me and she was laughing at my face. I don’t understand why she’s doing this. Does she enjoy abusing me or maybe she hates me this much? They once said to me “they regret having a baby”. I don’t have any reason to live for, no one cares for me and I feel like everything would be better if I didn’t exist. I want to kill myself but I’m too big of a coward to do this. I hate them for how they treat me and I don’t want to have nothing to do with them in my entire life!
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I feel so sorry for you. I was not physically beaten or hit and I oby had my biological mom. There are many of the same things I went through. I was expected to like what she likes, and dislike what she dislikes. I was different and wanted to dress like a boy. I tried to be polite and obedient but I was still seen as a bad child and told I was stupid and a burden and oh how hard it was on her to have me. I grew up feeling so unloved and worthless. And woah, decades and decades and decades later I’m still completely unloved and worthless, too fat and ugly to ever have a man in my life. The world is just as bad as our parents. Sadly the only hope you have out there is to be thin and beautiful as an adult. Become the perfect 10 trophy wife men want. Emulate the looks of the “real housewives” on TV and go for the poor scrub who is a total hunk that the other girls aren’t yet fighting over. Take the chances I never had. Things can get better for those young enough to still change their fate. Sigh….
They suck as people.
You don’t, there’s nothing wrong with you as a person. It’s not treatment that you deserve at all. They are doing it because they can, sadly simple but that’s all the reason they need.
They are failing you miserably in their functions as parents, for which I am very sorry. And your grandmother is being awful as well. They are toxic.
Get as far away from them as soon as you possibly can and don’t look back.
I lived with a person who constantly belittled me and degraded my worth for much longer than I should have. I didn’t conform to his viewpoint and fought back, which made things worse for me in some respects but long term I’m finding to be more beneficial.
I miraculously am able to have an objective view of my self worth outside of his ignorance. I was lucky enough to have found a couple of friends and a respite in school. One of those friends helped me move out.
I really wish I could give you advice to help lessen the social anxiety. It is going to be a barrier to you in a few things.
But not everyone will treat you like they do, promise. There are many people who would willingly and kindly listen to what you have to say.
Right now, you have to be the one to give yourself support. The thing you have to live for would be the hopes of a better future, if you wanted it. A place where you by your very existence prove everything they’ve done to you to be false. A difficult future to gain, of course. And not guaranteed, because nothing is.
Despite what Disguise above says, You don’t need to be thin to be successful. And physical appearance is the most important thing to an unfortunately shallow group of people, but many people don’t and won’t value looks above all else. Please disregard his advice about the ‘trophy wife’. For the sake of your sanity.
Far better would be for you to gain an acceptance of yourself.
Hey I’m just speaking from experience. I lived 36, almost 37 of my years as a female and a legal name change has not let me escape what females have to live by or through in this sick world. My only hope was to help the young not make the same mistakes I have.
There is an idiotic standard at play here for women, I agree. And the world can be a tough place. She already knows this from experience. But it’s not completely full of bad people.
Your situation is, although it shouldn’t but that’s where we are, complicated by being trans.
But you aren’t worthless, despite the thought that’s been nailed into your head. You also aren’t ugly. And you’re overweight, so what? You also have physical limitations. You are stuck on that weight because of your ‘dream guy’.
Your love life is sadly complicated by the fact of your orientation and your ideal p@rtner’s, and yours for that matter, preference in body type.
Telling the OP to reach for a certain physique as the only way one can be accepted isn’t helpful or true. That become what men want to get a man concept… I disagree with it. Becoming what you want, what satisfies you as a person, is more important than trying to fit some silly and often impossible idea for the sake of what won’t and can’t be a fulfilling relationship, because it’s essentially based on a lie. And more importantly, fixating on a next to impossible ideal will lead to more hardship. Equally important is finding a p@rtner who will give acceptance and love regardless of physical appearance. While the physical may be important, it’s not going to sustain a relationship for long without a good emotional foundation.
I know for you transitioning is difficult, and you can’t have the same amount of totality a MTF would have, which sucks. And you have had difficulties in your life, in part because of your physical appearance, which isn’t right at all. I will say your mother did a disservice to you as well. But you approach your jobs with a logical thought process, even if your bosses aren’t appreciative of it. You should be successful with that approach, honestly.
You aren’t some ancient dinosaur. You haven’t reached forty yet. Yes, you’ve had a lot of years under your belt, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be stuck for the rest of your life. “Older” people can ‘change their fate’ too.
Don’t hate yourself but them. There is nothing wrong with hating people who are evil. Evil exists and sometimes you get a bad hand and have to deal with it for a while but you need to be a better person than they are. And I believe you can. You need to put bad people out of your life. If you are too young and still at home tough it out and then separate yourself from them.
but be careful with that hate.
I still hang on to so much of mine.
It helped me get through some of the worse, but now I am out it has so little use..
It does consume.
Hey The Living Dead, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are suffering from depression which I had in the past and is easily curable with therapy and medication. Regarding your circumstances and your family, first thing is, although I do not know you personally, I am pretty sure you are a nice and friendly person and I am sure people would love to spend time with you. Secondly, your parents might be kind of mean and not helpful but I am sure they must care about you at some level. Do your best to be happy and keep a positive outlook on life. Your life is not at all as meaningless as you think. I for one think you are a great person and that you deserve to be here and live a happy and healthy life. I am sure you’ll make it out of this situation as a better human being and will have plenty of close friends and loved ones. Stay positive. You are worth it!