I don’t know what to think. I’ve been drinking to dull the pain. Now, I can’t drink much because it hurts my stomach, so I just sip it, little by little. I’ve had this four loko for 3-4 days now.
I’ve been in and out of chanting since I began because I’m so tired all the time and find it hard to commit to any religious practice. I’ve come to believe it’s real, though. It numbs me ever so slightly too.
None of this has been his doing. I’m sad, lonely, hurting, and numb on my own this time. I borrowed the iPad from work to get more familiar with using it to run my work’s social media, and I took some pictures of myself just to see what the camera quality was. For the first time I saw a man’s face and thought that this was really the end of the line, I am a man now, so I will never be loved or have sex ever again. And I remember what that leader guy my roommate had over said about coming into Buddhism, he said we hang on for so long to our old identities but we have to let go to live this life. And I do hang on and cling to things for dear life, because I’ve lost st so much, I’ve lost everything, and I continue to keep suffering so much loss. I don’t believe I’ll ever be ok or have a normal life. A permanent place to live or a husband are things just not meant for me, but whatever.
Then I felt sad, confused and even ashamed when I realized the problem is that the outside world doesn’t see a man. Everyone sees a hideously ugly obese female, someone to reject and keep far away from. I’m not seen as human. I could never be someone to get close to.
Then, some words said to me at work have been haunting me. It was said, something along the lines of that I/or it has to be justified for me to have this job because I come in as a white male and I’m not supposed to have that position. But it’s only ok because I have worked long enough to be there. But the gravity behind that has hurt me and again made me feel inferior and less deserving than everyone else on the planet, as I’ve been made to feel my whole life. My mind races – for one, I’m trans too, two, I’m non passng, obese and disabled, so I don’t deserve an income and the chance to live indoors?? I’ll never have the white male privilege – and besides this is ME you’re talking about! My place on earth since I was born has been to be LESS THAN everyone else! If the entire planet’s population were ranked from best to least, I am dead last underneath ever one alive on Earth! There’s not a god damn thing that will make anyone see any value in me at all! I’ll never know what it’s like to even be average! Yes I am offended. I know I’ll never be seen as a human being so I can’t stand to have the label of privileged put on my head when I know I’m the lowest of the low piece of shit for the entire world to look down on. OK I may never be killed for being hideously ugly and obese like you can get killed for being black, but still, I’m still the lowliest not-even-a-person person on earth. The universe probably keeps me around just because of how easy it is for the world to shit on me.
And finally, my other job. Christ. Something was said to me today that got to me too. They said, about an assignment I had to create a newsletter, which I’ve done before, that they weren’t going to give it to me at first because it’s a little more complex than usual and they weren’t sure if I could do it. Ok, so they seem to find fault with everything I do lately. I try to chalk it up to my creative vision is too much for them. Of course they don’t consider their business to be creative, but anyway… Yeah its like saying I’m stupid. Sure, it was a pain in the ass to create a graphic like that, and no I couldn’t find one on the web if that’s where last year’s came from. Sorry no one has anything like it and I had to create one. I’m sure it won’t be at all acceptable. The photographer vs the data analyst. See the disconnect here? But of course they’re great at making me feel incompetent and worthless.
And I’m hungry. Always too broke for food. And the distance between me and the guy I love. I was about to confess in this one, but maybe save that for yet anothere time.. But anyway.. yeah, the emotional distance.. that he can “love” every last thin stick girl he sees, but someone who gave everything of themselves, doesn’t count.
SIGH
14 comments
So heartfelt. I’m so sorry you feel and are being treated this way. Very nice pics btw.
Oh, thanks. I feel like, people only see a hideous woman, and stay away from me.
You say your transgender right? Please don’t be offended, but I have been reading your posts and you identify as a woman right?
No I’m a Transgender man, born female but never liked the girly crap. I was the t he girl who looked like a boy growing up and was hated for that, then hated for being a fat girl, now hated for being a fat and ugly girl. The only people that consider me a man are other lgbtq people. But no, I’m on testosterone, my name was legally changed in 2012 and in 2014 my legal status with social security was changed to male. But I haven’t had any surgeries.
From your photos (these and recent) you do pass as a man. I can understand why HDS thought that you identify as female. I first thought (before photos) that you were mtf tg because you compare yourself to women (skinny, pretty women) and seem to be in love with a heterosexual man. It kind of sounds like you regret transitioning to male? Anyway, from the photos I have seen you do pass as male but you’re gay, right? I know it’s problematic for many gay (and lesbian) people to have a relationship with a tg person but it isn’t inconceivable that you will meet someone. Falling for straight guys isn’t going to get you anywhere though? (Ok, we can’t help who we fall in love with but there’s not exactly a shortage of big, tall, heavy gay men to fall for).
You will have *some* white male privilege but never as much as a white, hetero, cis man. There is so much discrimination against transgender people. In face the word transgender doesn’t even exist according to the spell checker I am using to type this. That is a massive discrimination right there, grr. Also as an obese person you face discrimination. Also as a gay man you face discrimination. Maybe you are more gender fluid than you thought. It really sounds in your posts about The Guy that you want him to see you as a woman but… you are a gay man. None of this is advice obviously. I am just talking and trying to understand your situation.
All I can say is that I see how it’s confusing to the outside. Maybe I am a tiny bit gender fluid. I think the confusion for myself is that yes I want to be seen as a guy but I have always only liked men. Being a transguy though, it’s all over, because gay men want a dick and straight men want tiny anorexic slurry girls. I don’t regret transitioning. The guy I met has thrown things way off because he’s the only man that can do it for me. I’ve never been what society wants and yes it hurts to have spent my entire life being too ugly for anyone. I’ve never had a real relationship. No one wants to be close to me. I’m too ugly and it hurts. That goes outside of and beyond gender.
I can see your problem. If you liked women you would have no problem, I bet butch and not so butch dykes think you’re hot. So you’re not too ugly to everyone. But you like men so that is a curse. I think our generation missed out a bit on the gender fluid thing and were too binary in our thinking about both gender and orientation. Grrrr, I just dunno I can really see your predicament and I want to say something useful but it really is a tricky one. There must be other ftm homosexual or bisexual transgender people though? Is it problematic to you if your partner doesn’t have entirely male body parts but does identify as male?
I tried to reply but my comment is in moderation. I am not sure why. I suppose some words I used. Sigh. Maybe this also ends in moderation, it is a test.
Yeah unfortunately I just can’t go for women, that’s gross to me, not saying they are gross, just, I don’t want to get into it right now but I grew up with that being forced on me and I want nothing to do with it. I like MEN and that’s just how I am going to be. And while I do see transmen as men, yes I like dick and I like a guy to be a lot taller than me and be big and most transguys are short because women don’t normally get to be over 6ft, so most of us are 5’5″ or under. And in the trans world, trans people tend to all date women. Just, not me, I can’t go for that, no. Flashbacks of it being forced on me. Gross. Sorry.
Based on these photos I would say you are a man. I wouldn’t even guess a trans and I have friends that are. Nor would I say you are ugly. You always say you are so ugly but I truly don’t see it. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. You don’t deserve it. hugs.
Very few people who aren’t lgbtq themselves think that I’m a guy. And even then, I usually get told that I look too feminine and that gave it away. But everywhere I buy anything, I always get called ma’am. Always.
Nope I initially thought you were a guy but you kept comparing yourself to women so I got really confused. But you keep your hair short and oh fuck sakes I don’t know
You definately pass as a guy. The wiskers are a dead give away which is why i just needed clarity. I was going to suggest shaving if you identified as a girl. Lol. I totally get the gender fluid though. You can not help who you love.
Gosh I hope I’m not being insensitive.
FTR you are NOT ugly.
No, you’re not. It’s ok when people don’t know, because it’s ok to not know when you haven’t encountered many trans people. And hah! about the whiskers… I’ve had a pretty full goatee going on and been called ma’am by everyone! This is only after 3 weeks of not shaving. I let it go for 4-5 months before so you can imagine how much more facial hair I had then and no one thought I was a man at all. I’ve only been shaving it recently so that it’s not too weird for the guy I like. And I feel bad today because I was too tired and didn’t bother to shave last night, and wonder if he’ll be like super repulsed when he sees me with facial hair. I had less than what I have now the day we met, so he’s never really seen me with as much facial hair as I can grow. I can’t grow like a -full- goatee or beard like a man but I have had a good bit more hair on my face and still got called ma’am by everyone. I passed more for a boy when I didn’t know that there was any such thing as being transgender and I only knew myself to be a girl because I didn’t think that was optional. But yes, it gets confusing because I’m only attracted to men, and sharing common interests is important to me too but as much as we get called gay, there are no gay juggalos.
p.s. I still feel like society and peers compare me to women, and I’ll never live up to what a woman’s supposed to be, so I don’t count in the grand scheme of things and I’m certainly NOT someone who anyone would want to get close to. And it’s because the standards for women will always apply to me, since I’m seen as a woman first, if even people who know me personally see me as a woman who’s trying to be a guy. It still stands that I don’t make the grade, not by far, and am far less than everyone else and am not someone that is worthy of a relationship.