I briefly saw the post today about wishing you had cancer, and have seen people here before talk about how unfair it is that those who want to die are perfectly healthy while people who have it all do die.
That’s sort of what a friend of mine has been going through for a long time lately. This friend doesn’t want to die and isn’t suicidal. He’s the 13 yr old gay kid I met when I was 18 and took on as my kid brother. Even though I haven’t seen him in about 18 years, he is and always will be my brother, blood or not, that’s my baby brother. But anyway, he’s been going through hell the last couple of years. He had married a man way older than himself, several years ago. Only in the last couple of years have I seen him talk about his husband being psychologically abusive, blaming and guilting him for things far out of his control. Those things he gets blamed and guilted for are for this old man’s bad health. Both of them are skinny. The old man’s latest guilt trip on my little brother is to be mad at him for his good health. My brother always takes these guilt trips deeply to heart. The last few posts from him, he was agreeing with his husband’s harsh words, and asking why does he have to be the healthy one when the old man was a health nut his whole life, and has been sick and terminal with a thousand things wrong over the last couple of years, while my brother lived a very dangerous lifestyle for over a decade of drugs and unprotected sex, yet he’s the one who walks away clean and healthy. He feels guilty for being ok. But again, he’s not suicidal, not in the least. Just down on himself due to the horrible things the old man says.
But anyway, I’ve felt like that too. Like why can’t I just keel over and die? Why the hell am I still going when I’m fat as all holy hell and still have blood tests come back perfect and my blood pressure be ok? How come I can take crazy doses of meds and it does nothing? Why am I immortal? Now – for that last one – believe me, for the longest time, I’ve truly believed that I’m near impossible to kill. I’m afraid I’d survive unimaginable torture or hellish accident or any other freak thing that might 1 in a million chance happen to someone. I’ve been afraid of what physical pain, suffering and torture I might be put through someday. I fear somebody will do something like that to me, like you see in the movies. I’m afraid I could try 1000 ways to kill myself and survive every one. I’ve heard of a fat guy surviving jumping in front of a train with a broken arm and a few broken ribs. That guy was just a little overweight. I’m a hell of a lot fatter so sure as hell nothing short of a gun to the head would kill me. And a poor person without a penny to their name can’t get a gun. I’ve always been afraid I’d live to be over 100 and then I’d 99.99999% most likely be homeless and suffer unimaginably having to roll around in my own filth because no shelter will take me, or ending up in prison from time to time for being unable to walk/stand, and it would just be pure hell for all those 60+ years I’m doomed to live.
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I’ve heard quite a lot of people say they wish they could choose to die peacefully and donate their organs when they do so. I like the idea of being able to give someone life in some way before dying.
It’s unfortunate that death and physical illness happen in the most tragic circumstances, but often pass by those in psychological pain.
I wish I hadn’t agreed to be an organ donor. I thought they just used your lungs, kidneys, heart and such. But now they use your eyes and whole limbs. Oh hell no I don’t want butchered for one and secondly I don’t want to take any chance that my spirit will be earthbound because some asshole has my eyes or my whole arm!
Can’t you get off the list if you want to? I live in the UK and from what I remember they said you can take yourself off the register if you want.
Funny, the idea of someone having my arm or eyes doesn’t bother me at all. And eventually your body will rot anyway.
There’s a form online, but I think they would respond to what your ID says first, and not know about the online registry. I’d have to get on a lease, which means having good credit which will never happen, to update my ID.
2 times I overdosed on pills, I took enough to end a normal persons life and waited, just waited. Nothing happened. I didn’t get sick, feel sick, or anything. I was so mad. I was supposed to die. Every day I pray that those pills will kick in late and I wont have to be here anymore. I can’t be immortal, no one is, So why wont I die?