I know what you feel about your mother… It’s the worst, however, it’s good in a sense… I’m 26, and I’ve thought about killing myself since 2005ish… Haha, I wonder If I’ll write any sentence with a real full stop 😛 NVM…

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All the time until the point when I left overseas to study abroad, I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I lived until very recently on a tall building, on the 12th floor, so death has always been really easy to grab. I’ve thought for many years, day after day on jumping from the window, just like that, and I know that I could die whenever I wanted. That said, before graduating from high school, I was doubtful about killing myself because I was thinking it would be ungrateful of me and being cruel with my whole family for all that they had given me up until that point.

I’ve always been loved by everyone that’s important, and nowadays, most people find me a nice person. It’s been like that my whole life, and we’ve been really lucky to have the life we have in my family. As I was a minor, I thought to myself that I shouldn’t suicide because I would make everyone sad… That’s stupid, because I won’t be here to care about others if I’m dead, however, that’s what I thought. I graduated from school, and went overseas to study for a year.

As I was in London, I started really happy, and had my 18th birthday there. I even traveled around Europe around this season, and had Christmas in Prague and New Year in Rome. However, before leaving for that trip, I think I had some depression spells already. When I came back to England, I remember that I wouldn’t move from my bed except to eat and poop. I had like a month or two off from school, and I got a job while in holidays, and I decided to work, eat, and sleep… Everyone around me would party, play, drink, travel, and stuff, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything besides sleeping 🙁

When I came back to London to study, I was really depressed again. I never went to school, and even like that I managed to get the diploma I was looking for, haha. I remember that before graduating from this diploma, I would not go anywhere, not even to toilet, when there were people in the house. They would knock the door to know if I was inside, and I would say, yes, I’m here, and would simply pay for the rent week after week, without socialising… I never thought back from suiciding. Up until that point, I always kept that as a possibility, because I’ve always seen death as the end, more than the beginning of the unknown. I simply liked living my experiences, and at that point, I thought that if I suicided, I would simply end everything, and that’d be it. The thought about caring about what my parents thought, and what they would go through, and thinking that they’d have to travel, and everyone would be traumatised was something that I no longer cared about… Another excuse had came out at that point: I can do a lot. I am very important. I would be such a waste to kill myself.

I swear to you, I’ve never in my life felt like the unlucky one. I’ve always been fortunate, and I’m really aware of that. I know I’m surrounded by magnificent people, and that I’m in a very privileged place. So are you, believe me, you are! That doesn’t mean you’re less for wanting to kill yourself. I doesn’t mean that you can not have that privilege of feeling miserable about the life you have. It does not mean you have an easy life. It means, the vast majority of the world is worst than you. Human beings are animals that only a small portion of our specie is privileged enough to have the minimum to live. Life is really hard, and if you have a roof and food, you’re lucky. If you don’t have food, but can complain about it, then you’re still lucky enough to be alive… If you’re dying from an incurable disease, and you’re always in bed, yes, you are still lucky to have a bed to lie in, and life to complain, haha. Back to me… I have a house, I have Internet, I have free time, I have friends, family, people I care about, and money, and even if I lost it all, I knew I’d be really fortunate, and yet, I’ve felt suicidal… In the UK, I didn’t suicide myself because I thought to myself that I would be an incredibly powerful person, and that I would be able to do anything I wanted, and that even if I wanted to kill myself, the world would lose a lot if I suicided, so I thought that it’d be better to endure, and keep living…

When I came back to Colombia, I tried University once, then twice. Both times I was kicked out of the college for bad results, meaning not going to class, not presenting works, and not presenting exams… Even after all that, I tried a third time. The same happened, and I tried a fourth time. After failing four times, I simply took a job. I worked, and was happy, then I was too happy, and I was a nuisance. I started going to the psychiatrist, and he gave me medication. I started finally being a normal person. Then, I was again a normal person with a healthy lifestyle, eating well, and moving around. Yet, I still felt suicidal… I had always wished there were something wrong with me, something that would explain why I didn’t want to live. I know there is something, however, medicine isn’t advanced enough for that 🙁

I’m no longer suicidal, and that’s something I’ve simply forsaken… Around 2012, I was working, and having a nice life. Yet, I would always look at the cars, specifically to the big buses, and trucks, when I was crossing the streets, and would think about jumping in front of them, and finishing life. I was once crossing the street with a coworker, and he would tell me to be careful about the eraser. I asked him what he meant about that, and he told me that those big vehicles would erase you from existence if you ever cross in their path, and I giggled inside… Little did he know that I would love to be erased myself, lol. It might’ve been in 2012, or 2013 when I last seriously considered killing myself. I remember counting days. I would say, I won’t kill myself today, because it’s too harsh to take a decision only because you’re sad, let’s do it tomorrow instead. Then, I would be depressed for several days, and I would get a countdown, in which I would suicide if I had 10 straight days saying that I wanted to suicide. I would count several days, and if any day I forgot, then, I would start all over. I might’ve got to 10 a couple of times or never, however, I always looked at the window in my room, because, I do live in a 12th floor. I know that if someone jumps from there that person will die. Most of my adult life, I’ve thought about jumping off that window.

One day in 2012, or 2013, I decided I would jump.

I wasn’t able to do it. I swear to you. I really wanted to kill myself, and if I didn’t do it, it wasn’t because I wanted to live, or because I cared about my parents, or because of reasons. The only reason I didn’t jump of my window is because I couldn’t do it. I wanted to jump, and I wanted to die, and I’m still alive.

My parents were in the house. I locked myself in the room, and I tried to killed myself but I wasn’t even able to climb the window, or get even close to jumping, or anything. I wanted to throw myself over there, and I was unable to do it. I was feeling dizzy, and I didn’t even look down, because I was too scared. From a moment to another, my parents started knocking the door. I wouldn’t open it, and told them that I didn’t want to get out. They kept knocking over and over. I wanted to kill myself, and jump and end it. I didn’t want to open the door, and they wouldn’t leave. They kept knocking aggressively, and I finally opened the door. I remember they entered and I screamed to them as loud as I could “I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!!” I don’t know what else I did. I do remember I described that I was trying to jump off the window, and that I couldn’t do it. I remember telling them that I didn’t want to live, that I simply wanted to be dead.

That’s the last time I’ve pondered about killing myself. I have thought about it, however, I can not do it… At least that’s something that has stopped me several times from doing it. Simply thinking that I can’t suicide myself… Simply knowing that I can not suicide myself is something that made me think that it’s futile to do it.

TO WRAP UP, I FIRST THOUGHT I WOULDN’T SUICIDE BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS, THEN I THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN’T SUICIDE BECAUSE I WAS TO IMPORTANT, AND THE LAST THING THAT STOPPED ME WAS THINKING THAT I WAS NOT CAPABLE OF KILLING MYSELF.

The important thing is that as long as you’re alive, that’s something very valuable. If you’re finding a reason to not suicide, then, try to cling to that thought, whatever it is. You might hate you’re life, however, you’re alive, you’re reading this, you’re crying, you’re doing whatever you are doing, and also, others are feeling you, and they want you alive as well. Human life is the most precious treasure in my eyes, and I bet millions would agree with me. I don’t think you’ll read this, but I wrote this, and I did this because of me, haha. If you do read this tteia, I want to tell you a secret…

After wanting to suicide for the last time, I tried University for a 5th time (I think it’s 5th…) That was in 2013, and my parents went to Bogota for me, and I didn’t finish university. I’ve worked for AT&T since the beginning of this year, and it’s been a really difficult period… I’ve loved my job, though. It’s just that it’s too hard, haha. I finished my contract with them last Saturday because I’m once again starting university in January 2016. This will be my 6th time, and I’m ready for it. It’s a different situation from all 5 past times, however, I need to wait first for 6 months to pass to know what will happen, and then, I need to carry on for several years. I want this to be last time I ever start university as a freshman, and I’m not scared at all… I’m not scared that much… Haha, I was thinking about writing something stronger, but the truth is that I actually am very enthusiastic about starting university!

Why am I here then? I wonder that myself… Am I forbidden from visiting this site if I don’t want to end my life? I can answer the first of these two questions: I had one mental breakdown at work when the iPhone 6s came out, as I overworked. I finished work on Saturday, and I didn’t rest on Sunday, but took another job as I was waiting for Christmas. I worked with my parents on Sunday and Monday… One of our recently hired employees told us she wanted to quit, and it was all because of me, so I felt too bad yesterday, and didn’t want to go to work. I knew I was having another depression spell, so I decided to chill and do nothing for the rest of the year. I was feeling very chirpy this morning, and went to work, and wanted to work, but after an hour, my mother asked me to go back to my house and forget about work all together. I was close to a mental breakdown, and today I was crying as much as I needed. I came here and logged in, and I feel really well… Except that I might be doing something bad. Is it forbidden to genuinely feel well?