I need to tell my story.
I am in my 25th year. I have been a great performer all my life. I was always in the top 5 throughout my school. Topper of my college for three straight years during graduation. I stood at third place in the university during the final year of my graduation. I thought of being a person who would bring a change in this world. I thought of being someone of importance. And then I went for my post graduation. And then everything changed.
I could not understand programming. I was good in arts though. I would write poems, was an amateur photographer and was looked upon as the person who was referred as the ‘Wikipedia’ amongst my friends. But all of this wasn’t required for a person who was supposed to make his life in programming. I told my parents, teachers and friends about it. That I cannot do it, no matter how much I studied I just couldn’t understand it. Nobody listened. My friends were supportive always but they couldn’t guide me. I couldn’t switch my stream as my parents had invested heavily on me. I was the bright one in the family after all. But they didn’t knew that with each passing day the person in me died.
I have been an introvert all my life. I would always listen to others, would always guide them to a right path but when it came to sharing my problems I always resorted to myself. With each passing day, the stress increased. I was more of a failure than what I was before. I started flunking my classes. My teachers hated me. I started smoking, drinking and found a safe place in my hostel room with my mates. But as they say everything has to end some day. So did mine. When the college finished, I found myself a job. But I couldn’t do it. The development work took the toll on me. I had to meet deadlines but due to lack of knowledge I couldn’t. I did what I always did best, started flunking work as well.
I would take leaves, would look for an excuse so that I could work from home and being at home I just smoked weed all day long. Each and everyday I smoked weed. It started in the morning, went on till the night and then the same thing again. I was losing the track of my work. I was scared to go to work, to sit there and listen to all the bullshit people would say. At times I would even skip my meal during the entire day just to finish my work. When I came to office ,it would be around 9 in the morning and would leave at around 9 in the night. Still I couldn’t complete my work on time. That’s when I decided to leave the job.
It has been two months since then. I haven’t found a new job. I smoked weed for an entire month and then came back to my parents. I’ve been staying here for over a month but still haven’t figured out anything. That’s when I came to know that I’m bipolar. I have had a complex love life which I will share in my next post. But all of these things have taken their toll on me. Each day I think of dying. Even today before writing this I tried to hang myself but I’ve been a coward apparently. I pulled off the knot when my body started to tremble. Every day I search the internet for painless ways to die. I have been a failure and when I look at the mirror I cannot find the old me again. I’m sad and terribly depressed. I do not know how long I can continue.
I think the train would be a better choice, it would be scary as hell. But it would end the pain in a moment. I’ll try in 2 days from now.
6 comments
I used to be a true introvert until I realized that I am the only person who has ever been there for me so I decided to put myself first. I dropped classes I didn’t want to take and chose ones I found interesting.I’m so glad I did that because I fell in love with those classes and I’m going to pursue a career in it. You may have finished school but you can always go back or start at a small job that is involved with what you actually want to do. I promise you it’s the best decision you will make. Try that before you try to end your life.
Brilliamt
I’m 33, and i experienced most of the things you mention (minus the weed, but i did got into drinking). IT/programmer guy that learned by effort, not by true calling, just because everyone around him thought “was the best for him”. Always was better at arts/writing stuff, even if i was an introvert too (still am, but i can fake being an extrovert pretty convincingly). Had a couple of jobs i hated until i had a pretty big falling down in my life that lead me to where i am now (studying again). Not that my life is flowers and sunshine (bad love life, bad health, and a few other things), but at least now the burden i carry is actually a little lighter.
Out of those experiences all i can say is that i know that it might not seem like it to you right now (i might be wrong too), but quitting that job might have been your best choice so far, because there’s nothing worse than slaving to something you don’t even like (and struggle to do). In the end you end up sort of “killing your spirit” so to speak, and end up resorting to copying mechanisms (like weed).
The thing is, what do YOU want to do with your life? (other than smoking weed… i’d drop that honestly). Like usedcanvas says, you can still look up for ways to do what you want to do, and it’s worth giving it a shot before ending your life, i mean… what do you have to lose?
I just now noticed your try was going to be by train… gosh, please don’t. If needed take the time to think of something better, but don’t try the train thing. A relative of mine got both his lower limbs cut off by a train (supposedly) when trying to off himself. He was in pain for a couple of years, lost his remaining family, became more of an alcoholic than he was, and then just went to finish the job… which left him in a even worse state. After weeks of life support he finally passed away, but i’m guessing it was pure hell.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to your pain. When you have a whole life ahead of you, and you are 25 and you believe you don’t have the skills/job/career opportunity to be anything in life or even barely get along. I’ve been at this exact same place in 2009 when I was 25, and didn’t have anything in life other than a crappy university diploma in an area which I had no interest in. Not only that, in the country that I live there is a mandatory army service which people usually complete at 22 and I didn’t complete that either, so no one would consider me for a job because they would want it completed. I have a similar story of a friend who went through the same thing at age 31.
Long story short, after that point I was able to first work for someone at age 26, then from there got an idea for a business which I then got investment for from investors and built into a thriving business.
So from a pretty low point, where I was praying every night that I can take the pain and not have to kill myself, to a pretty nice point. The rest of my story I can share some other time, but the thing is that things can change.
Don’t forget one thing. You are a smart and disciplined young person . My sister is also pretty successful at college, and I know it takes both of those things to succeed. The clouds might have obscured it for now, but it doesn’t change the fact that the sun shine.
It might be that you can not see a way out for now, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one out. You can use your ingenuity to find a solution. And it might be a good thing to get an outside perspective on things from someone as well.
What I can see are 2 things;
1-Since you are staying at your parents now, you probably aren’t using weed for the last month or so. It would be a good idea to keep that up, and not use it. Just to get your mind back to wherever it is without it. It’s your call though, if you see that it helps getting through a tough time and saves your life then it might be ok for a while. Over the long term though it is a good idea to not use it as an escape which can sabotage your life.
2-Try to come up with a plan of attack. What is it you think you can do to get out of this situation? Or better yet, where do you want to be ? and What is the first step you can take that would get you started on getting there? If you need help with this, I would be willing to chat and be of help as much as I can.
So I hope you reconsider your situation and choose to give go at living again, and succeed at it and that these days become a distant past for you.
I just want to say maybe the train might not be a good idea. It might be painful because suppose you do it and life is not over in an instant. Over the summer when I was thinking while i was hurting. i thought maybe a train. But then I thought what if i get crushed and im still alive.. I think that would be so painful.