It’s gone wrong

I don’t know what I’m looking for from this, a place to get everything off my chest to hopefully clear my mind. This is going to be a long post.

I’m 17, male, currently attending a school that specialises in Mathematics, I’m studying Mathematics, Further Mathematics, Physics and Computer Science for my A levels. I have links to a cyber security firm who will give me a scholarship and put me through a computer science degree should I choose to go to university. I also have a huge interest in nuclear energy and want to see if I can get a job in that field. My family, which consists of my dad, my mum and my younger brother, are quite well off. Decent house, holiday home in France, and we go skiing twice a year. I want to take at least a gap year to attempt to become semi-professional at downhill skiing. Sounds good right?

Quite recently I’ve been feeling very low and depressed. In October my girlfriend left me, I believe this has been the trigger to everything that I’ve been feeling recently. We started talking in August and instantly hit it off. By September we were together as a couple.

When I first met her, we spent most of the day together, she lives an hour and a half away from me so I took the train to meet her on a Thursday after college. After the slightly awkward meeting involving me catching her dog and stopping him from running down the road, we got talking straight away. It was easy as if I’d known her all my life even though we’d only met that day. I was excited, happy but also scared. I had never felt this way about someone before. I’d had girlfriends in the past, I’ve had a couple since. However the way she made me feel was like nothing I have felt before, or since. I refused to accept my feeling for her and sexted a girl from college just for a bit of fun. Stupid mistake. A mistake I’m regretting, one I think I’m never going to forgive myself for. What makes this worse is that this was after our second meeting, during which we slept together. She came to stay the night at my house on the Saturday following because we wanted to spend as much time together as possible. That was the most passionate and loving sex I’ve ever had and ever will have. I betrayed her by sexting this other girl out of my own amusement. Of course she found out, she never trusted me again. We stayed together though. I did everything I could to try and redeem myself. It was still early days for us and she decided she was willing to continue our relationship. I believe she felt the same way as I did. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. We got closer as the weeks went on. We had a lot of laughs, I conquered my fear of heights because she forced me to go tomb stoning. She made me a better person and I completely fell in love with her.

Then in early October, she told me about her dad. He died when she was 12. Shortly after her uncle also died in a car accident. Her dad’s mum blamed her mother for his death. She couldn’t tell me how her dad died however there were strong suggestions he committed suicide. Her dad’s mum, her nan, treated her and her mother like shit but loved her brother like a son. Her nan told her she was worthless, that she was the reason her son wasn’t alive any more.

All the while this was going on, her friends at school were becoming isolated. She was with this guy when she was 14. He treated her like a toy. Locking her in his room. Shouting at her when she did his homework wrong. He would hit and smash things up when he got angry. Apparently never hitting her, I believe he did, but he sexually abused her. Raping her when he wanted sex inconsiderate about whether she wanted to or not. She got engaged to him. At 15. She was engaged. To a piece of shit that I have to call a human being.

It wasn’t until she went on a school trip to South Africa that she realised that her friends were worried about her. Up to this point he had isolated her from friends and family, taking her phone and iPad. She realised there was a way out. Just saying no and standing up for herself. She got out of it. I’m the only one who knows what he did. She refuses to speak about it.

Her mum met a guy, her now stepdad. He is really nice and quite joking, I got along with him really well. However prior to this she was moving homes a lot. Her mum didn’t have a stable job and she struggled to provide food for her and her brother. They were then traumatised by a break in and she didn’t feel safe any more. She stayed with her mum’s mum, her grandma, for a long time because she was scared that any new house she would live in would get broken into.

That’s my, now ex, girlfriend. The most beautiful, strongest, perfect person I know. I love her.

We continued our relationship, I was extremely happy. The happiest I’d ever been. She was happy too. Smiling and laughing with me. The time I spent with her was amazing and I would give anything to have it again. We were so happy in fact that we started to have sex without protection. Looking back at it now it was a bit stupid to do as we are still young. However it happened. She was a month and a half late. She didn’t do any tests until after we broke up. Even then I had to force her hand a bit to make her do it for my benefit. I believe strongly that she had an abortion without anyone’s knowledge. I’m okay with it because we are too young for a child. I just wished she told me. Sadly it all continued to go downhill, especially after Halloween.

Leading up to the holidays, she had been asking me a lot of questions about how I felt about her. Did I really love her? Why do I do all these things for her? Why do I bother visiting? Every time my answer was the same. “Because I love you”. I think it scared her, that someone could truly love her. There is still not a day that goes by when I don’t think about her. Even now after two months. She got invited to a Halloween party with her friends. Really nice, really funny, a bunch of brilliant, awesome people. She of course wanted to go and I was fine with it. Why wouldn’t I be? I trusted her. She wanted to go party, who am I to stop her? So she went. We were snap chatting most of the night just seeing her happy and simile get that night meant the world to me. Then around 23:30 she got sick, too much alcohol. Her best friend told me she was in a bad state and that she would need to go to the hospital. Turns out she was in the toilet for only an hour being sick. I felt so helpless and useless and stupid. I could’ve gone with her but she wanted to go on her own. I supported her choice. Turns out that during the four hours I was panicking if she was alright and which hospital I needed to go to find her and make sure she was alright, she was talking to some random guy. He was making sure she was okay and that she wouldn’t be sick again. He was doing what I should’ve been there doing. She kissed him.

She came to stay over at mine a few days later. It was our two month anniversary and I had worked a couple extra weekends to pay for a new pair of shoes and to be able to afford a three course dinner for us both, we only had a main course in the end. It was good up until she came back to my house. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know at this point what had happened at the party. She was very distance from me, like she wanted to just be alone. I felt so worthless and helpless. Here I was lay next to the most amazing person in the world and she was shitting me out. That hurt enough. Like sticking a finger in that wound she woke up earlier than me the next morning, had got dressed and then opened the curtains in my room letting sunlight flood in a me wake me up. This is my recurring dream, a moment of reality stuck in my head forever, every night I see this happen again and again and again. She turns to me and smiles. When I saw her smile it made me feel like it was all going to be okay. We got breakfast and proceeded to talk and laugh and dance the rest of the morning. I went upstairs for a shower and that’s when she told me. “I’m leaving you” she said. Just that no explanation. Nothing. She left me in my room and went downstairs to do her make up. I was speechless. I still don’t understand how someone who can mean so much to you can turn around and say “I’m leaving you”. It’s broken me.

I broke down into tears. I couldn’t stop crying for a solid hour, I whimpering and sobbing and begging her not to do it. I convinced myself it was a nightmare that this is all a dream that I would wake up and she’d be asleep laying next to me.

It’s not a dream though.
It’s a harsh reality.
Of karma.

I was everything I promised not to be, I cheated on her first week of the relationship. What kind of message that gave her was so clear but so wrong. I blame myself for her actions thereafter. I blame myself for her leaving.

I shut myself away in my room.
I talked to nobody.
I didn’t want to.

I hosted a Halloween party on the last Saturday of the holidays. I hoped it would make me happier being surrounded by friends…

I broke down in tears.
I was a mess.

A few days went by, I couldn’t stop texting her. I couldn’t believe she left me. I don’t understand. I wasn’t myself. I began to realise she was gone. I couldn’t take it and I started to self harm. Scratching my wrist to cause a friction burn. It was bad. I still have scars from the first time that haven’t faded in the slightest.

It became too much for me to handle.

I don’t recall what happened exactly in November this year. Just that I turned 17 and tried to take my own life.

She called me up a couple weeks after she broke up with me. She was self harming. She was ready to kill herself. It was the worst phone call I could’ve imagined. My love, cutting herself, ready to take her life when she still has me. Always and forever. That is was pushed me over the edge.

The grief of losing her, the feeling of being so helpless as she cut her wrists on the phone to me. I couldn’t take it.

I went to the cliffs ready to jump.

The most depressing feeling I have ever experienced is when I was on the edge of that cliff.

I couldn’t bring my self to jump. To fall to my death and have all my pain disappear.

A small part of me clung on to my memories of her. I called her and collapsed on the floor.

A trembling, nervous wreck on the floor, struggling to talk, wanting to die.

How attractive.

My family are devastated.

My mum is becoming suicidal, she misses her dad who we lost 12 years ago.

My dad is really helpful and supportive.

My brother seems okay.

I love them dearly.

It’s not enough though and it is still going on now, the thoughts. Just walking home from school I can see the path way to the cliffs and everyone I think about it. Everyday I have to force myself out of bed knowing today I’m not going to kill myself. I won’t get up until I am sure it’s true. I think about it all during the day. Sometimes she even take the form of hallucinations so I can see her and talk to her in private. Although I know it just my head tricking me into believing it’s her. Just like when I fall asleep and see her open the curtains. It’s not real but it feels it. When I’m in reality, with school and friends and family. I wonder why I’m here not in my dream world. Or worse yet. Dead.

I’m a dead man walking.

I need to stay alive.

There’s the small glimmer of hope she may take me back and I can be happy again because I love her.

I’ve gotten “help” for all this. Been to the doctors, CAHMS, counsellor etc. It does help and I recommend it. Even though sometimes you wonder why you are doing it. You have to find you’re own reason. Mine is that I will go and find her when I have a decent job and have achieved my goals. That’s enough to keep me going for a couple days then I have to change to stay alive.

Thank you for reading this, it’s taken a load off.