It’s still there..

whether I want it or not. I don’t want to cut myself nor do I want to die anymore the mere thought seems absurd to me. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I used to want to not only that but I attempted suicide countless times. Yay such a huge step but the truth is I’m still sad inside the only difference is I’d rather live with the sadness than die and feel nothing. I have so many issues that plague me for one I have become emotionally numb that or maybe I haven’t found anyone worth having feelings for. I use sex as some coping mechanism and I know it’s wrong but I still choose to do so. I have sex when I feel really sad or stressed because those moments are fill me with oxytocin. When I have sex I feel wanted and desired almost like I matter or have some type of value. I’ve only ever had sex with two people and I am 25 years old and I’ve only kissed 4 people. But I guess for a female who has been sexually molested twice and has dealt with bi-polar disorder and depression sex was an escape from all the pain, it still is. I thought I was a great person and always questioned why no one else could see that. Now I think of how fucked up I am and how everyone can see that. I am so afraid of falling in love that I’ve shut it out without really trying, I’m afraid of commitment that I decided the second guy I was with has really only been my Friend with benefits. And even then I’m afraid of friendships that I didn’t even try to be his friend so we just had sex. I’ve known him and been with him for 2 years I broke it off for about 3 months I didn’t speak to him. I didn’t have sex with him for about 8 months. We started talking again after 3 months and we started having sex again. Fucked up life cycle and I choose to stay in it… lets not even mention the family drama.