Hi.
Like many others here I have suicidal thoughts but I am not depressed. I don’t think they have to go hand in hand. Even though, I have experienced depression about 5 years ago severly and on -off 3 years at least after that. But now it is as if I don’t remember it anymore.
I feel numb. This spring 2015 I experienced psychosis during which I burned my life to the ground. (Figuratively). I quit university, threw away everything I had, lost friends and over all sense of direction. I did some more crazy stuff and ended up in a mental hospital. I haven’t been able to come back from it all. I was in hospital twice, the second time I actually didnt have psychosis…. Anyway.
I have a plan to go to the train tracks and put my head on the track and let the train drive over my neck. But I have to wait at least a week cause I have to watch mother’s cat while she is travelling and there is no one else to do it.
I feel scared, but life as a cashier and being half alive all the time is worse to me. I have days with nothing to do, I can’t find it in myself to have a hobby or sth like that. I just feel dead even if I am not depressed.
I don’t know everything seems so complicated to me that I just want to end it.
13 comments
Probably around 30 seconds before you die you’ll see that the numbness was a wall you put around the sadness so you could function. Disassociation, derealisation, desomethingtion, and depression go hand in hand. Some people experience more of one than the others. Some people curl up in a ball and cry. It really doesn’t matter.
One would think that coming out of psychosis somebody would keep up with you, make sure you are doing OK, but that doesn’t seem to be the way the world works.
The information you have that tells you whether life is worth living or not us flawed. Your in a deep valley and it looks like it would be a horrible climb to get out. The fact is outside the valley is… nobody knows! It may be volcanoes. It may be green pastures with unicorns. It may be the worst sections of Mumbai. The only way to know for sure is to climb out and see.
This why so many people love religion. If the geography you are trapped in is absolute crap then at least things will be better in heaven. Sounds like a scam, right?
So, in summary, you probably think life is 100% crap. I’m telling you it’s more like 50% crap. The only people that don’t seem to be bothered by this are people who like climbing.
I don’t think I’ve been very helpful. Hopefully I wasn’t irritating too.
No you were not irritating. You have a point. I understand.
I have a psychologist who is supposed to keep up with me but it is not helping…
I don’t know what to do in this world anymore, I really don’t. Maybe I should climb, but how…
Anyway, thank you for the reply!
Dude (or girl?), I have the same thing. I guess it can happen after depression that it transforms into psychosis and numbness. Its quite logical. And I know its way harder to cope with it than its with depression even that its not that painful.
Don’t know any good therapy for this, so one can try to cope with it until something comes or try to end his alive. On the other hand, numbness can go away, like everything. Wish you good fortune, you are not alone.
Psychosis just destroys your life, it is really hard to cope with the aftermath indeed.
Thank you!
Psychosis is a *****. I’ve been there, in a paranoid dance of being psychotic and hiding my psychosis from people. It gets hard to conceal when you’re up all night pacing in the kitchen with a crowbar. I barely managed to pass my classes when I was like that; I know it’s rough. But hey, you made it through your ordeal. You just have to rebuild what you can. Is there any way you could join school again? Did you flunk out or just drop out?
You’re not half alive. You’re all alive.
I don’t know if I would pass the entrance examinations anymore to school. I dropped out, I just quitted while psychotic- so for all the wrong reasons.
You are a very strong person if you could still manage school with paranoia. Did you get help with your psychosis?
You can always try to pass the entrance exam. You can study for them, too. I can help you. Are we talking ACT/SAT/GRE? Maybe you won’t get back in this year, but you can plan for the next.
I didn’t get help with the psychosis. I can’t risk it. “Treatment” could severely disrupt my grad school. I’m sure I’d get committed as I’m not a great liar, and considering I’m depressed and have paranoia, they’d want to aggressively treat me.
We are talking about my countrie’s own academic test, I am not from US. Of course I could try …
I am wondering how on earth do you manage?
I really think there’s a difference between “the government hit men are after me, and “I’m painting pictures with blood and other body fluids.” I don’t know how bad your psychosis gets, but I am able to retain some amount of hold on the world. I can believe in both my crazier thoughts and my saner thoughts at the same time.
So when I think there is serial killer after me, I am still able to hide my weird behavior and “somewhat” get my schoolwork done. That serial killer episode was a bad one; my paranoia was partially caused by my lack of sleep, my lack of sleep made me worse. One night at four in the morning my husband found me sitting on the living room floor in the dark with a note pinned to my jacket. (I thought the serial killer was coming for me, and I wanted to leave a note on my body. I even described his car!) When my husband spotted me, I hastily stood up and hid the note. I knew that he didn’t believe in the guy, and I’d just look crazy.
I *am* on a suicide site, so my life is not a basket of roses. When I’m really getting paranoid, I spend more time out in the open with people, even though my head is trying to get me to do the opposite. Weirdly, suicide is the last thing on my mind when I’m paranoid. That usually happens in the aftermath, because I feel guilty and have to “clean up” after my abnormal behavior.
I think you should attempt your tests again. Are they in English? If so, maybe I could look up some materials and go over them with you. If its another language, I don’t think I’ll be much help, but I don’t think you should give up on your previous goals.
It is interesting what you are saying that you can retain sane thoughts while paranoid. When I had psychotic episode I wasn’t much paranoid, only a little, but I didn’t think anyone would come to kill me. I thought there were devils and angels on the street and since my apartment building was under construction, I thought that it is a trap for me, that everyone actually have moved out of the house and they want to tear the house down with me.
I also had one night when I did “magic”. I was getting rid of bad spells in my room(in the form of hair strands and dust, but I didn’t vacuum), I saw a little bit of hallucinations, fucked up with my flat mate so badly that I had to move out after that. But I got into hospital because I went into someones apartment(though I asked at the door wether the door was open from the I guess owner lol) while I thought I live in some sort of Matrix where I can actually do anything and I “own the game” and should take my power. So while I was on my imaginary assignement in the apartment the police was called and I thought ambulance people were angels who were taking me to the other dimension. I thought I was in the office of God in the reception…. and then on the bed, restrained I thought it is a mind control project or sth… anyway… I couldn’t retain much sanity.
But I see your life isn’t easy indeed, but you make the best of it.
The test is in other language, not in English, thank you for your offering of help. I think about doing the test.. if I live that long.
I could see myself convinced of the situation you thought you were in, with angels and demons. I briefly thought a “demon” was after me.
l am fortunate that I never hallucinate. I did experience some weird physical sensations, a sort of vertigo, but I could have been actually ill that time (earlier than the mentioned incident). I had multiple weird theories during my very bad episode. I was so sure someone was out to kill me (someone *is* out to kill me, but it’s me lol), I didn’t feel safe drinking water even over at acquaintances’ houses (which would be hilarious if you knew how I’ve tried to kill myself before). I just wanted to hide. I’d never hurt anyone else; when I was up at night waiting for the serial killer, I was super concerned I might accidentally hurt a thief if they broke in instead.
I’m having a bad week because too much is going on at one time (sick family member, and I’m behind on stuff now). I have tons of work to do, and I’m mentally unraveling.
I know people think I’m lazy, that I don’t communicate well or I’m rude, but I don’t mean to be that way. I try my best, you know. I just shut down when I can’t handle it. The truth is I’d rather they think I’m an incompetent normal person than expect less from me.
The point is, I also don’t expect less from you, and I don’t think you should expect less from you. First of all, you’re bilingual. Do you know how hard I’ve tried to learn other languages? That is an accomplishment. You’re very smart. Study/prepare for the test and then take it. And even if you fail, you can still be something other than a cashier.
It is a burden. I know it. I’m always afraid of falling off the rails again, but we can both function right now, so hey, might as well make the most of it.
I hallucinated a little, but overall felt like I could do anything in this world, because I was the “owner” of it. Funny thing is my psychotic period was one of the most alive periods in my life, but everything died after that.
I hope your week is getting better at the end of it.I know the feeling when too much is going on and you just can’t handle it at once. I used to have problems like that and I also just shouted down and needed to draw back.
I am on the rails now, but I still want to die. I am bilingual, but that doesn’t make me that smart, though I am not stupid either. I just feel so empty and so is also my life ahead. Today was supposed to be the day I went for the train rails but it is a storm and I might wait for tomorrow, but I have a sure plan to do this. I don’t know, maybe I think something else in the last minute and don’t do it, but I really do hope I can do this.
Also you write super properly-not this lazy kind of Internet typing without commas etc. I am not sure I have my commas in place in English, but it is good to read your text.
Your English is really good. I’ve read plenty worse from native speakers, and let’s face it, everyone gets comma confusion once in a while.
Thank you for wishing me well. I had a pretty good week. It could have been better, but it could have been worse, too. I’ve been a bit stressed out.
I hope you are OK. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. If you’re still breathing, you can make some sort of plans for the future. How many times can you take the test?