I don’t know how to resolve the conflict within myself. I’ve been trying for so long to figure out a compromise between the different elements of my mind. But there isn’t one. And I don’t think I can let go of either of them.
One is entirely superficial. All it wants is instant, unrestricted gratification. It doesn’t care about consequences, or the limitations of reality. It will accept no denial. Giving in to it brings temporary elation, but once satisfied it fades into the background, leaving only nagging discontent. Denying it removes any feelings of satisfaction in anything, leaving only despair.
The other is appalled by the limitless appetites of the first. By the coldness of it. At how it is prepared to use anyone without a second thought to get what it wants. It is all sentiment. It longs to be acceptable to others. To be loved for the thoughts and feelings within it, rather than those it projects. To be morally sound and beyond reproach. And not be alone with such secrets. It’s primary emotion is fear, aware that something is terribly wrong, cutting it off from others.
I cannot give in completely to the animalistic side of me. That would require total suspension of sentiment, and any hope for deeper meaning in life. I cannot be that cold, or turn off my self-awareness permanently. That part of me can never be satisfied.
And yet I cannot let it go, however often I resolve to. It is the only part of me that provides a sure sense of purpose, of positive feeling, when all other goals seem impossible and hollow. Without it, all that is left is sadness, regret, and emptiness.
I am dependant on it.
10 comments
A first thought is the statement; There are two sides to me. What is this ‘me’? There are maybe two sides to your personality, two sides to your mind, two sides to your psyche, but is that you? Is there even a ‘you’? I’m not so sure anymore…not so sure there’s this thing called ‘me’.
Anyway
I think it’s great that you can see your mind at work. It’s great that you can watch your mind operating this way, then that way. That’s an ability most don’t have. Keep watching. Keep inquiring about what’s going on. You’re on to something!!!
Hmmm…I suppose the ‘me’, to the extent that it exists, is the awareness of those thoughts and feelings. Some kind of mental echo that summarizes all the differing impulses present in the brain and tries to project a sense of unity and identity onto them. A sort of narrator for the mind.
I’m stuck only satisfying the instant gratification side of myself. It’s the only thing that brings me happiness : When I go out on dates and have a buzz. That’s when I feel really good. Other than that, I am miserable and neglect myself.
As long as it doesn’t cause issues for other parts of you, I guess it’s not a problem? Temporarily satisfying that side of me is extremely troubling for other parts of my mind.
If it brings you happiness without being the cause of misery the rest of the time, then it’s a good thing right?
The problem is it’s the only thing that makes me happy and I’m not taking care of the rest of my life. I guess I’m trying to say you can’t just rely on instant gratification. It fades away and then you’re stuck in a pit when you don’t give a crap about the rest of your life.
Sure, balance is good. But if nothing else is making you happy even if you put the time and effort in, then that’s the real problem – not what you’re doing to fill the void.
For me the instant gratification side isn’t just filling in the gaps – it’s actually holding me back from developing other areas of my life. But I still can’t let it go. Because those other areas of my life seem beyond repair. And without that instant gratification everything seems pointless – it’s all I have.
You’re right to point out balance. There has to be a balance. I can’t just get high and go out on dates forever without getting my life together. I need to focus on what I’m going to do with my life. Everything else does seem pointless without instant gratification so it seems we feel the same. Wish I had some advice.
Little bit of instant gratification. Followed by a little bit of getting your life together. If you can summon the motivation to make the effort. Use the former as a reward for the latter maybe?
But for me, the instant gratification I seek actually damages any chance of getting my life together – it makes it seem even more impossible.
I really enjoyed reading this conversations. I don’t have anything else to add. Just liked the back and forth and logic.
Hey Hazy. Been seeing some of your other posts and just wanted to say I’m sorry what you’re going through – sounds like it’s reaching a culmination? Hope you can find the strength to hold on, and forge a new story.Your words are valued here.